Adventures of the Hardt

Happily Ever After... is just the begining.

2011-02-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

5 years ago I started blogging about my 27 years of life adventures and 12 years of my dating misadventures … I’ve had wild crazy passionate affairs, I’ve been skinny dipping in multiple countries, dated those professional extreme athletes, the bad guys, the firemen, actors, models, the stripper, the bartender… I’ve learned to surf, kick box, kayak, became a yoga master, gone vegetarian, vegan, ate for my blood type, drank champagne on the beach watching the sun rise, gone on road trips, traveled with my girls, hitch hiked, back backed, gone off roading, bailed a boyfriend out of jail, met more famous Actors/ Writers/ Directors/ Producers than most people can even name, worked on more than one top 10 TV show, and more than one canceled one, gotten reviewed in numerous papers. I’ve lived in New York, moved across the country to LA without knowing a soul, left a job without having another one lined up and learned how to live funemployment fabulously. I’ve died my hair platinum, brown, maroon, and finally back to its natural blond, I’ve broken someone’s heart and had my own broken (more than once!), broken my nose, sprained my knee and ankle, gotten multiple concussions, totaled a car (well had it totaled for me), been to multiple emergency rooms, gotten a tattoo, did a walking marathon, cheered my boyfriend on when he became an ironman, lost 5 dress sizes and 40 pounds (and gained and lost many more over the years) learned to mix the perfect drink (and began writing about it), hiked an active volcano, ran from a rattle snake, gotten stung by a jelly fish, sting ray, and had a man of war wrap itself around my body, gotten caught in a rip current, under a wave, knocked unconscious by my surfboard, and even learned to put on false eyelashes (hey that one was really hard!), Traveled Europe, Canada, Mexico, Jamaica and of course the US, I’ve seen a ghost (I swear!), built a bonfire from scratch, thrown a black tie party, learned how to build a snowman, finally sung karaoke (ALONE!), gotten the answer right in final Jeopardy, built a website from scratch, met my idols, lit fireworks on the beach… in short I thought I’d experienced everything there is to in life… and then I met him. And now at 31, 1 ½ years after Mr. Hermosa and I began dating, and 2 years after we first met I’m starting to see that happily ever after is just the beginning in life and not the end as every Hollywood movie and fairytale will have you believe. But the question is what happens AFTER that happily ever after… after the initial honeymoon phase. After you begin living together. After you melt your life, your laundry and you home… After you stuff 3 bikes, 2 surfboards and 2 peoples’ lifetime of junk into 1 very small 1-bedroom beach apartment…

I've decided to start the Second chapter in Harts’ crazy life fresh with a new blog site. And maybe this chapter doesn’t have scandal… and more often than not sand on the floor and frustrated tears after another dinner I’ve butchered comes up in smoke… But it does have something that’s more important than perfect dinners and scandals and drama… it has real happiness.

So pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy as I stumble my way through domesticity- smile on my face and of course sexy stilettos on my feet. You can check out the new digs at: http://www.beachshackdreams.blogspot.com

Smog Colored Hollywood Glasses...

2010-01-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

When looked at from a different perspective our lives are never quite what we imagine them to be… no matter how hard things are going for us there is always someone doing better, someone doing worse, someone who probably is looking at us with envy and at least one person who looks at us as a hero. Especially those of us that work in the entertainment industry. I take it for granted that I spend half of my life within spitting distance of many the top stars. That I’ve met people that most of the world would kill to just get a glimpse of. That I’ve been on sets that tabloids gossip about… yesterday I was reminded just how rare what I do really is, and that from the perspective of a 6 year old girl anything in this industry is awe inspiring… While spending another night working on a Disney show (luckily this time it was Wizards of Waverly Place and not my arch nemesis that is Sony with a Chance) I had a 6 year girl walk up to me with the largest smile on her face, she pointed to the TV’s above the audience and said: “That’s my dad up there, he’s the star talking right now”… which wouldn’t have seemed so out of place, lots of celebrities have their kids come see their shows. What was out of place was her dad is not a celebrity, instead he is affectionately known as “Elvis”, the main valet at Lot D of Hollywood Center Studios. The warm up guy had made another one of his year behind the scene videos and her father, the valet, was transformed in her eyes through the magic of camera’s and televisions into a star… now I know he’s not a star. In fact he’s one of the lowest on the totem pole that is a studio back lot, but it made me smile. To her he’s the biggest star out there… There are many days when we grumble about our jobs, the ego’s we come in contact with, the days of unemployment (in my case the MANY DAYS OF UNEMPLOYMENT), the in between jobs we have to take in order to try and get to our dreams (the clothes we’ve sold, uniforms we’ve had to endure, phones answered, drinks served, tables cleared, unemployment phone lines we’ve wait on and been hung up on many times)… so many days that they blend together and sometimes it’s easy to forget that we in fact inspire some people. That we in fact do work in a magic industry. That all the hardships are just temporary… because we see the world through our smog colored Hollywood eyes, sometimes we need to just step back and look at our lives with more rose colored glasses. Because in someone’s eyes we are their hero.

Sometimes you have to just stop and smell the roses, or in my case fantastic pink flowers!

2009-09-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

I’m 30 years old and until last night I had never been brought flowers by a boyfriend. Sure I got corsages when I was in high school before proms. And sure my father use to bring me home flowers when I was sick as a kid. And of course I’ve had friends bring me flowers on my birthdays…but from a boyfriend, never. It’s something that shocked Mr. Hermosa last night, his response- well I can see why you have so many ex boyfriends, I would have ended things with them too if I never got flowers… and it made me think, how have I settled for a flower-less romantic life? I’ve gotten cheese, bottles of champagne, alcohol, stuffed animals, cards…but never flowers. And never just because I was having a bad day. I don’t know how I’ve let myself settle for less in life. Partly because I have always secretly thought I couldn’t do better, but mainly because I just got so use to being treated like a convenience that I didn’t realize that there really was a guy who would treat me like a priority. At 30 my eyes are finally opening, though maybe because I’m finally ready for them to open. It’s disgusting I know, but I can’t stop smiling and every day I fall more and more for Mr. H… it’s weird because you would never be able to guess that we would work, or in his words we are “a perfect match”. In a way I would say he completes me, there is something about him that calms me down. As many of you know from following my blog these last couple of years I have a tendency to obsess and stress. I facebook stalk. I count condoms in drawers to see if they are cheating. I spend hours on the phone dissecting every little thing he says. I spend all the minutes in the day wondering if I was doing something wrong, if I said something wrong, how I was pushing them away… for the first time every I’m able to just sit back and really enjoy being in a relationship. We talk about how things are going, both just in utter shock at how amazing it is. Last night I had one of my first tiny moments of panic, I was lighting the candles around the room, setting the stage for a romantic dinner and thought- is this too much. And as soon as I thought it, he walked in. Flowers in hand and this huge smile on his face to see me and all my questions just floated away… because how can I doubt a guy who took off yesterday morning from work just to spend some time with me since he was away all weekend. Who spent his entire guys weekend in Vegas text messaging me, not drunk and horny but drunk and telling me how much he missed me and how amazing I was. Who has arranged double dates with his friends and their girlfriends so we can audition a few couple friends and because they are apparently dying to meet me. Who invited me to be a date at a wedding, not only the first date he’s ever brought to one of his college boys weddings but to a wedding in Pittsburg on New Year’s Eve. 3 months from now, and yet he’s sure that we will still be together. And the thing is it didn’t feel weird that he asked, it just felt normal. Just as it’s normal that I have just as many Dan events in my calendar as I do my own. I keep beer for him in my fridge. My bathroom cabinet is now stocked with his boy products as well as his toothbrush occupies the other space in my holder (I have a drawer at his place as well with all my goodies!). Our lives have just slowly melted into one. For this upcoming weekend there isn’t a do you want to do something kind of anxiety, it’s a so what are we doing this weekend. It’s just given that we will be spending it together. We still have managed to keep parts of our lives separate, which I think helps it work. He watches the Notre Dame football game every Saturday with his buddies, I came to the end of one of the games but I like knowing that every Saturday I have a few hours where I can go and hang out with my girls, this week I have a baby shower to go to during the game. We have 3 big weekends planned coming up- apple picking in Julian, Charger game in San Diego, and the big Thanksgiving weekend in Arizona. We also have small weekends planned coming up- his two big races (one which he is entering me into if we can heel this ankle), his birthday weekend (he’s planning his big drunken bday night and I’m planning a surprise romantic one for the night of his actual birthday) and one weekend where we are planning on spending an entire Sunday in bed watching football. We have excitement coming up and some time to just enjoy being a couple… and I have to say this time I’m happy I didn’t settle for less…because for once I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more!

Broken… luckily this time it’s just an ankle and not my heart.

2009-09-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have this little oddity when it comes to sex. I don’t orgasm. I know it sounds weird, especially since I really really love sex. Love the feel of it but oddly will never orgasm. I sometimes will before or after but never during. And only a handful of times have I actually been able to cum with someone else, usually it’s them finishing and then I bring out the vibrator…. Well after another great weekend of sex Mr. H had found the spot and we spent a very exciting and very satisfying morning in bed. The only problem is that when we finally got out of bed on Sunday I was very space cadetey and somehow lost my balance walking down the stairs on the way to the movies and managed to sprain my ankle and most likely rip a tendon (I even get to go see an Ortho Surgeon next week to see about how they can repair it!)… but the resulting injury has landed me in bed for the week. And sadly it’s on my right ankle so I can’t even drive!!! Luckily in the last month I’ve managed to find myself that most amazing boyfriend who has waited on me hand and foot the last week! He somehow anticipates everything that I need even before I need it. So the poor boy has been on ice pack duty, refilled glasses, went to the store for me, refilled my prescriptions (even my birth control- though really that was also in his best intrest), picked me up so I could go see the Charger Game, done dishes, had very careful sex and even managed to squeeze in dinner with my mom. In which my mom found him very charming and thoughtful. She said that he’s by far the best one I’ve dated but is trying to not get her hopes up too much since my relationships usually only have a 3 month window before they disintegrate, on hearing this he was like well tell her that since we’ve known each other a lot longer than 3 months it’s like we’ve already passed that window. And yes we’ve finally become official, facebook official that is. He asked the other morning why I haven’t requested him as my “in a relationship with”…and I have to admit I’ve gone to his page a lot in the last two days, not to stalk like I’ve had to do with other guys I’ve dated but because I just like seeing that it says he’s in a relationship with me. Yea I know I’m a super dork, but so is he so it works out great. I even got yet another mixed CD (he said he feels like he’s in high school making them for me, and I love that and them!). And when finding out that the highlight of my grandfathers youth was when my great-grandpa use to take him and all of his brothers to go see the Notre Dame football games Mr. H offered to take my grandparents to see one… his reasoning- that he’s not going to have too many opportunities to get to know my grandparents and to be able to take my grandpa to a game would be really amazing since it would mean so much to him. And I think when I look back on that moment years from now I have a feeling that is going to be the one when I say- and that is when I fell in love with him…

Happy Broken Records...

2009-09-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

Sadly I’ve become a broken record lately- seriously how many times can one person say they have never been this happy! And happily- IT’S TRUE. Things are just going amazingly with Mr. Hermosa right now. As Date Girl pointed out it really is just like a light bulb went off in my head and I’m realizing wow this is how you are supposed to be treated by a guy that you are dating! H and I have slowly just morphed into this great relationship. He even told me that his friends have all told him to make sure he doesn’t fuck up this relationship that I’m the keeper… which made me happy, because not only do they like me but we all know that once a guy is telling his boys that he’s in a relationship he’s serious! And last night while laying in bed he said not only how happy he is but that he prefers me to be with him in his bed than to be alone, even if he did have to get up at 4. And he wasn’t meaning because of sex, he had a triathlon this am so we didn’t even fool around last night. He was happy just to have ME be with him :)

This week kind of just flew by in a blur of evenings together… Wednesday night I cooked him dinner, ok more like cooked him a FEAST. The last couple of weeks he’s been wining and dining me so I thought it was only fair that I did a little bit for him. I cooked for hours, I prettied the apartment, I put on my best slutty desperate housewife outfit… the meal came out fantastic. He was beyond excited about it and loved all my cooking. And although I was supposed to be doing something for him, when he got over he told me he wanted to show me something on his phone it was a picture of my fixed bike breaks! A few weeks ago the breaks went out on my little beach cruiser, leaving me in Venice on the side of the road sobbing…. To say I had a little meltdown was putting it mildly! So I had taken my bike over to his place last weekend for him to look at it and after a temporary fix (that again left me without breaks going down a steep hill!) we realized it needed new parts. I had left it at his place and was planning on buying the parts this week so that maybe this weekend he could look at it. Well on Tuesday night, our only night apart this week, he picked up the parts and spent the evening fixing my bike as a surprise for me. Yea I know, he’s too damn PERFECT!

Thursday night was going to be our night apart. I had a girls night planned and he had track which usually leaves him exhausted. Of course my plans fell through so I ended up having a “family” dinner with friends at the beach instead…which is conveniently 2 blocks from his house so he thought it would be perfect for me to just stop by when I was done…and I did. With a plate of food for him. Now it’s a simple gesture on my part, and I’m use to those things going unnoticed. But instead he was so happy I brought him food. And we spent a fun evening hanging with his roommate watching football. A completely ordinary evening that was just felt normal and amazing at the same time!

As for last night, Friday night, since I had taken care of dinner the last two nights he cooked me dinner. Simple pasta and veggie meal (loads of carbs so he can load up for his Triathlon this morning)… and I have to say there is something incredibly sexy watching a hot man cook me dinner! After that we just watched TV (I convinced him to watch Melrose Place with me even) and he made me yet another gift. Totally cheesy but he made a mix CD, it’s the music we’ve been listening to while we’ve been having sex…. Too funny but LOVE it. And love a guy that tells me that now he will always think of me (and probably get hard) every time he hears Jack Johnson! He even titled it “Life Guard Towers”… Jack Johnson was playing when we had sex on the towers last weekend which got us on the Jack Jack kick! He really is just too cute, right?!

And today will be a busy and laid back day at the same time. I’m again spending the weekend down at his place… and at 4:30 this morning I wished him luck as he went off for his Tri. And when he’s done it’s to his favorite Notre Dame Bar with his buddies (North End) for the ND and Ohio State games and then on to the Oktoberfest with my friends and tomorrow will be Sunday Funday at the beach. And we will have spent another great weekend just relaxing, playing in the sun, drinking with a mix of our friends (which all just blend so well together!) and just getting to know each other. I’m shocked we still have things to talk about. We’ve had a ton of sex but mainly we’ve just been talking about anything and everything. I’ve never gotten to know someone so well… it helped that we’ve been friends for awhile so all the basic and introductory questions were already out of the way and we were able to just go straight to the real stuff. And I have to say it’s just been fantastic. I’m beyond happy. I’m completely de-stressed. He already brought up the Holidays as if it’s just a given we will still be together then! And I have to say I really don’t have much to write about except my broken record of- I’M HAPPY…

Once upon a time there was a little girl… who always cried love…

2009-09-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

It’s really hard to put the last week into words. The only word I can come up with is- DREAM. As we know I’ve dated a lot, I’ve fallen in love many times, I’ve even talked about how amazing these guys really are when I’ve taken them back. But in the long run we’ve all known that they basically treat me like the gum on their shoes. But through all the dates, the men, the break ups, the disasters and sex-capades I’ve never met the right guy… well turns out maybe I’ve known him for awhile and just was too chicken shit to do anything about it! Mr. Hermosa and I have been friends since the beginning of the year, and my crush on his has been since the beginning of the summer. Yet I didn’t do anything about it. Maybe because of Mr. Piranha and all these Mr. Wrong. Maybe because I didn’t want to really put myself out there… but man am I ever happy that he finally forced me to. It’s been an amazing 2 weeks now. It’s so weird to have things be so normal. So natural. So stress free… He still plans our next dates before I leave his house. He’s introduced me to his closest guy friends. I’ve introduced him to mine (and they all LOVE him… in fact their exact words were that they can’t believe how much he dotes on me and treats me amazingly). We’ve discussed the horrible word- relationship. He’s the first guy I’ve dated in years that said point blank that at this point in his life he is not only ready for a relationship but he’s ready to settle down. In fact when the conversation of our relationship came up he said the same thing that I’m feeling- that he’s happy riding this one out. That this is just too normal for him to think anything other than it being amazing and is unbelievable happy with how things are. And let me tell you it has been nice having sex with someone and knowing that I’m the only one that they are having sex with. And that they are happy about that! I’ve never been with someone that wants to spend all his time with me, and not just in the bedroom, but have someone that really wants to get to know everything about me. One that even the other morning told me that he just wants to make me happy… and for once he’s someone that wasn’t adding the “in bed” on the end of it!

I originally was supposed to spend all of last weekend at a friend’s house at the beach… and seeing as she lives 2 blocks over from him he figured it would be a waste for me to stay there so on his insistence I stayed with him. And I was nervous. We had been together only a week (yes he did take me out and we celebrated our one-week anniversary- who does that!). But I was nervous to spend an entire 3 day weekend with him. In the long run it was the best decision ever and it felt like we had always been together and it felt amazing. We spent Friday through Monday just bumming around on the beach, riding bikes, talking nice walks hand in hand, went to see my roommates band play, took many swims in the ocean, bar hopped with all of our friends and of course had lots of great sex… all in all it may have been the most perfect weekend of my life. And although I didn’t compare him to any other guys, this morning while talking to my mother I realized just how different he really is to everyone else I’ve dated. But it’s more than that, this is different. It just feels so right. And it’s funny because when I started to tell friends about him they thought out there she goes again… and just like the little girl who cried wolf they were just counting the days until the big blow up and it once again would be over…until they slowly have started to meet him. And as soon as they do one of the first things they say is- this is different isn’t it. And like I said, I can’t even put into words just how different this really is! And no I’m not in love with him, I’m not that crazy… but I can see this going somewhere… and luckily he feels the same. And if feels amazing. Just knowing that I don’t have to obsess, analyze, stress, worry, go crazy about and basically just do everything that my friends hate me for feels great. Maybe constantly living in the past really has prevented me from meeting Mr. Right… or maybe I just need time to be ready for him. But what I know for certain is that I’m very happy to not be living in the past anymore. I even did something that needed to be done over the weekend- I let Mr. Piranha go. I knew he deserved to know the truth, especially since he was started to freak out a bit that I was avoiding surfing with him all week. As much as I’d like to say he was happy for me that I found someone that makes me this happy (I can’t stop giggling and smiling lately!) he wasn’t… And that is enough to tell me that he didn’t really care about me. Instead all he’s done is care about himself… And as soon as I got off the phone with Mr. Piranha on Friday I noticed that I had received a text message from Mr. Hermosa letting me know he got off work early and to come over for a bike ride before dinner… And I had one thought- Could it be that I’ve finally found a guy that actually deserves my heart?! I mean any guy who brings me classic literature instead of flowers may just be different from the rest…in a very good way!

Mr. Hermosa

2009-08-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

While all this has been going on with Mr. P, over the last couple of months there has been another Mr. in the back of my mind. I haven’t mentioned him because there wasn’t been too much to tell. He started out as just the closest guy friend of two of my girl friends…but slowly over the summer we’ve become friends ourselves. There was a bit of a flirtation but nothing major. He came to my birthday to pub crawl with us (even though he had a race the next morning- he’s a serious triathlon competitor). I went and watched him compete in the 6-man volleyball tourney. And somehow we’ve ended up with this very random inside joke regarding “I’m on a boat” so over the last month a lot of text messages have been passed back and forth. Nothing overly flirty. Nowhere near dirty…but we’ve just continued to text, facebook message and see each other on a regular basis in our group of friends. Always just within the group and always with tons of alcohol. And slowly I’ve developed a bit of a crush on him, nothing major. But a little crush that I figured was just me and would never have acted on it… until Saturday night when I realized that I wasn’t the only one that was crushing! But let me take you back to Saturday…

It was the 1 year anniversary of friends of ours moving to Hermosa. Sarah and Kendal happen to live 2 houses in from the beach down there and happen to throw these huge beach parties…this one though was a more intimate party with only close friends. I was a bit excited, things had seemed to progress a bit and for some reason I was a bit nervous to see him. But after a few rounds of flip cup I was back to my normal self and enjoyed catching up with everyone and actually spending some one on one time with him. After hours of drinking on the beach everyone finally started to get ready to head to the bars, but him and I decided to head off a bit early just the two of us. As soon as we left the party I started to go back to being nervous, wondering if maybe I was imagining that he was interested in me… we got to the Poop Deck (yea I know HORRIBLE name for the bar) and after he bought us a pitcher of beer and found a corner for us to sit and chat I started to feel a bit better, still a bit nervous but this time because it was apparent that he was interested and I started to think wow this is going to happen… and after a few more pitchers, a few more bars, and everyone meeting up with us we decided to go get a late dinner, just the two of us. And so we went… down to our favorite pizza place and settled in for some pizza and some more time without the group… and I really enjoyed myself. We’ve never spent time alone, and never spent time when we were not passed out drunk. And in fact we both had sobered up quite a bit by the time we got food….and by the time we decided to take a midnight walk on the beach we both were really sober. But as soon as our feet hit the sand and his hand found his way into mine, all my nerves went away… it just felt kind of right. And sure I had a moment when he kissed me, when I thought I’m kissing one of my friends… We ended up spending close to 3 hours sitting up at the lifeguard station, not making out as you would expect but just cuddling up and talking. We talked about everything and I finally got a really good glimpse of him. And I have to say, I really liked what I saw! After the fog rolled in and the waves started to crash down we just sat there. Talked. Cuddled a bit. But spent a lot of time actually enjoying the silence.

After that we walked to his place (he has a house a couple blocks over from the beach) and we settled in for the night. Now I’m not going to say nothing happened, but I did stop us before we had sex… I kind of wanted to see where this is going. And I felt great about the fact that this wasn’t a drunken hook up. And I definitely don’t remember the last time that I hooked up with someone for the first time sober! It felt nice… and when woke up the next morning, he drove me back to my car and I left the beach with a smile…

I was originally worried, because as with Mr. Piranha, we know all the same people. But the main difference with Mr. H is that with him we really are good friends and we do hang out all the time in a very small group, a very small very gossipy close knit group. But whereas I tried to hide my relationship with Mr. P from our mutual friends, Mr. Hermosa totally succumbed after about 5 min of grilling and it’s out in the open now. But importantly everyone is very excited about it. They were pushing for it for awhile anyway. Plus two sets of them are already couples, and another set is very close t0 going that way. So really it wasn’t too abnormal for us to hook up. And in fact the group is hoping it’s more… They were really excited when they found out that Mr. H actually considered it a date! And it was pointed out to me that it’s nice because now I don’t have to stress about when I will hear from him or when I will see him again, because we all will be going out again tomorrow night! Though he didn’t give me any time to stress, about an hour after I left his place yesterday morning I got my first text message from him. And it felt normal to hear from him. And today I got more texts again… and it feels great. There really isn’t any stress this time. I’m gonna see him tomorrow. And we are already making plans to see each other without the group later this week! And for now I’m taking it pretty slow… especially since I know I still have feelings for Mr. Piranha. But after a weekend of being reminded that there really is someone who actually wants to be with me. Someone who wants to have sex with me. Someone who wants to tell all his friends about me. And someone who I want to tell all my friends about. It’s made me realize that maybe I don’t need to hang on to the past…

My Good Body!

2009-08-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

“When I was growing up in the 50’s, “good” was simply what girls were supposed to be. They had a blond Clairol wave in their hair. They wore girdles and waist cinchers and pumps. They got married. They looked married. They waited to be given permission. They kept their legs together, even during sex. In recent years, good girls join the army. They climb the corporate ladder. The go to the gym. They accessorize. They were pointy, painful shoes. They don’t eat too much. They don’t eat at all. They stay perfect. They stay thin.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Last night I decided to get all dolled up for a friend’s birthday. I donned a very sexy dress, playing off my newly tan and newly muscular legs (thank you unemployment and surfing). Complimented them all with a great pair of heels (Calvin Klein you really are good) and set out to have a fun evening of flirting… I spent the evening catching up with girlfriends I haven’t seen in awhile, meeting new people, having a few drinks bought for me buy guys, trying my hand at winning a 2 dollar lobster and all in all felt pretty good about myself. On my way out a guy started to basically cat call me. Now boys this is not a way to get a girls attention, and seeing as I was on my way out I ignored him… until I heard this: “Never mind, I wouldn’t want to sleep with you anyways. YOU’RE FAT.”. And at that point I just turned and stared.

Many of you have known me since I was in High School and College so most of you have seen my weight go up and down. Those that haven’t known me for that long usually are shocked when I tell them I use to be a size 16. When I left college I was a normal 14. I say normal because the bulk of the US is a size 14-16. Sure I had tried to lose weight in college but the allure of Salt Bagels from the corner deli, Grays Papaya’s 50 cent hot dogs and Cozy Soup and Burger Cheese Burgers were not a match for any diet… on my first film I ballooned to a 16 and then the inevitable happened, I moved to Los Angeles. Where I came across an entirely different species of women. To a world where you can never be too thin, too tan or to blonde. Over the past 9 years I have learned to love being outside (with killer tan to prove it). I surf every morning. I live for long yoga classes. I think a hike in the mountains is one of the most perfect things, especially at sunrise. And learned that kickboxing is the cure for all that ails. I’ve spent these years slowly losing all that weight I’ve accumulated. It’s been a struggle. I’ve tried every diet there is, I’ve gone vegan, vegetarian, all meat, no carb, no gluten, no sugar, no taste. I don’t even want to think about how many drugs I’ve tried to lose weight- Herbal, Over-the-counter, Prescribed, Legal, Illegal, and Mexican. I’ve spent way too many nights at the gym when I would have much preferred to be lying in front of my couch watching TV. Everything I’ve done over the years to turn myself into who I thought would be the “perfect” woman. And slowly I’ve gone down to an almost perfect (well perfect for me!) size 4. I wear an extra small now, where I use to have only extra larges. But no matter how much weight I’ve lost or gained, I’ve always thought if I were just thinner everything would be perfect. If I don’t get my Brazilian bikini wax every 2 ½ weeks I don’t feel sexy anymore. I’ve spent most of my paychecks on the most painful but absolutely gorgeous fuck-me heels. To think of all the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on expensive highlights (currently about to go Strawberry Blonde), and manicures, and thigh high fishnet stockings, and face cream to make me feel younger and make-up to hide all my imperfections. Sexy push up bras and g-strings that I wear most days (well at least the ones where I’m not in a bikini). It’s quite astonishing how much money, time and effort I have spent trying to look a certain way, a thinner way.

Recently I re-read Eve Ensler’s play “A Good Body”. It deals with her interviews with women all over the world. How every woman would like to change at least one thing about their body more than anything: “When a group of ethnically diverse, economically disadvantaged women in the United States was recently asked about the one thing they could change in their lives if they could, the majority of these women said they would lose weight. Maybe I identify with these women because I have bought into the idea that if my stomach were flat, then I would be good, I would be sage. I would be accepted, admired, important, loved. Maybe because most of my life I have felt wrong, dirty, guilty, and bad, and my stomach is the carrier, the pouch for all that self-hatred…”

Now this isn’t a rant on men or even society, ok maybe a little on the pot-bellied guy from last night but the truth of the matter is I buy into this as much (if not more) than the next person. I judged my old boss just because she is overweight. I love the body type that is straight and narrow. We all know I rarely date a guy with any body fat on him… I think Barbie is more of role model than the anti-Christ- come on guys she’s been a president, an astronaut, a business tycoon, a doctor. I see Scarlet O’Hara as the ultimate feminist- She ran her own business after the civil war!!! My minor in Woman studies never turned me into the radical femi-nazi… I love men- as you all know I love them all a little too much. I don’t think they are to blame for anything in my life. I also don’t blame my mother (too much) or the media or society. I blame myself. We need to learn to just accept and enjoy who we are. To stop trying to change into who we think we should be but to love who we have become. At 30 I still diet every day. But I’ve finally realized maybe a pair of flip flops is better than a pair of heels. That bikini’s are better than g-strings and push up bras. That a tan is better when you get it from being outside versus in a tanning bed- even if I do have odd tan lines. That exercise should be fun not because you are training your body to look a certain way. And to the guy in the bar last night. The one who at 1:50 am was obviously not going home with someone, who needed a few hours in the sun and a few months on the treadmill, who thought that by insulting a girl he would maybe have a chance of feeling better about his defected self, to this guy I just say Pffft. Because this “fat” girl is off to enjoy a day of drinking on the beach, a day surfing in perfectly warm waters, a day with friends who maybe aren’t all “perfect” but who are absolutely perfect to me! Oh and I hope his hangover leaves him in bed sweating during this heat storm….because my imperfect self is off to the beach :)

“Tell the image makers and the magazine sellers and the plastic surgeons that you are not afraid. That what you fear the most is the death of imagination and originality and metaphor and passion. Then be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP FIXING IT. IT WAS NEVER BROKEN.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Itty Bitty Blue and White Bikini

2009-08-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment many times… have become friends with my neighbors and the fireman across the street, you may even remember a certain incident involving me and just a bikini. So it goes without saying I now have a spare key. I would say hidden, but everyone knows where it is. My friends often use it to get in when I’m not here, usually to drop things off or just to wait for my perpetually late self. I also have a trick way of getting into my place for those times when the key is not in its place (for example when Mr. P forgot to put it back after letting himself in last weekend). But I can without a doubt say I will never be locked out again… or so I thought!

After a great weekend with P I was torn about this week and his work schedule, he’s been working crazy hours and they’ve been filming up in Burbank so I prepared myself to go the week without seeing him. Really settled myself to not seeing him until late next week. Our weekend schedules never really mesh, I book myself like crazy on Saturdays and Sundays are his improve and writing day. So for the most part we just see each other during the week, and seeing as I’m most likely going to be in San Diego the first part of next week (going for Mr. Green’s roommates birthday- now that’s an entirely different blog!) I figured a week and a half without P will hopefully let me sort out what I’m feeling, and maybe make him miss me a little bit. And it’s sort of worked… I do get my nightly text from him usually telling me he can’t surf and how busy he is working, which although it’s not love letters it is SOMETHING. Though this morning he tried to make it down and way overslept his alarm until I woke him up, too late to surf…but at least he TRIES… right?

Anyways back to the real story. Since he’s been working I’ve been able to sleep in a few hours later in the mornings and have been going surfing at 10am instead of 7 or 8… and although I much prefer the early mornings because there are less surfers and we aren’t blackballed yet, it’s been nice to surf with one of my girlfriends again every day. Sure there isn’t the same giggling as with P and I, but I still have fun. And the waves have been a great size (4 foot and overhead). And yesterday walking back to her place from the beach (she lives 1 block over from where we surf) I was starting to feel all right with the world. Sure I’ve have some downs lately. And sure I’m not only nowhere near where I thought I’d be, I’m nowhere near where anyone my age SHOULD be… but I’ve been making the most of it. And there I stood, washing the sand off my legs and peeling myself out of my wetsuit (the water is still a bit chilly even in the late mornings) and thought ok I’m going to be all right… and then we realized the power was out in the neighborhood. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, except for one simple thing… we get in through her garage! And there I was, for the second time in my life locked out wearing only my bikini! Luckily her husband works only a few blocks away so we were able to go over and get a spare set of keys from him … and luckily this time I didn’t have to embarrass myself in front of my fireman (only the security guard for his office building).But seriously how does someone get locked out in only a bikini… TWICE!!!!

So maybe all is not well with the world after all… and someone somewhere is getting a big laugh out of watching me go through these random high and on fire hoops… but I keep doing them. Just hoping that the treat at the end of them is worth all these bruises and burns!

My first 30 days...

2009-08-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

So I’m just a couple days over my first 30 days into my 30’s… when I was little I thought the world would be my oyster at 30. I thought I would meet my husband at 28, be married at 29 and have my first kid (hoping for twins!) at 30 where I would have already made my first million. Instead 30 days into “My Decade” I found myself still unemployed, instead of having a million dollars I found myself in unemployment limbo watching my savings slowly deplete to where I am today- having a whopping 7 dollars to my name, no savings, no nest egg, no credit card limit left, just plain 7 dollars. Instead of those twins and loving husband I have found myself still in love with someone who only see’s me as a buddy, constantly having sex with the wrong men (though that may be the highlight of the month!), have a stable of ex’s who have surprised me this past month and although are not that Mr. Right , what they are are fiercely protective and loyal and have really rallied me these last few weeks. There has been so much yet nothing really new to write about so I haven’t… maybe because I don’t even want to admit to myself what my life really has lead to, but here goes. Here are the 30 high/low-lights of my first 30 days…

1) I finally got to check something else off my list- Sex on a jet ski with Mr. Ex. Have to say it was actually pretty thrilling! There’s a trick to it, so after a few “false starts” we finally figured it out and managed to have sex throughout the lake.

2) After sex on the Jet Ski I found out I was severely allergic to the moss inside Pyramid Lake…found myself stuck in bed for almost 2 days after sneezing every 5 minutes for over 24 hours!

3) Found my cell phone was turned off… after borrowing some from a few friends still found me 65 dollars short… and after a nice crying jab on Mr. FB’s shoulder- something I am doing way too often lately, he paid it off for me. Not something that I wanted, nor something that anyone really knows, but something he did because he too out of work understands the need for a phone. I also think he got annoyed with not being able to get a hold of me for two days.

4) Managed to actually become a real surfer. I’ve been surfing for 6 years now. And leading up to breaking my nose a couple years ago was really getting go at. But was something I’ve backed away from since. When left with not much to do this summer but surf I have tried to surf almost every day… and the result is something that I really am proud of. Finally able to really surf!

5) Really surfing has lead me to find my other talent in life- teaching others to surf. Turns out I have a knack for it. It’s really just from spending the last couple of years backing off the real waves and just watching the waves and the surfers. I’ve managed to learn the waves. Learn how to ride them. Lean the tides… so it’s really easy for me to tell someone what they are doing wrong in order to get them up on the waves… hopefully that talent will start to make money soon!

6) Was able to see my idol surf for the first time since I was little, and not only did I get to see Kelly Slater surf, I got to see him surf the most perfect waves ever- perfect 10 all around scores and during one of the biggest swells in decades.

7) Also got to surf the biggest swell in decades. Was shockingly afraid every moment out there… spent almost two hours with Mr. Piranha scaling those bad boys. In the end you have to just feel every part of the wave. One second of lost concentration and you are off the wave and in dangerous territory with the current and incoming waves. It was exhilarating, sexy, petrifying and amazing at the sometime. Both of us completely attuned to each other just surfed. Both fully aware of what the other was doing. Both always keeping one eye on the other. And both just surfing in sync for one afternoon.

8) Which leads to the update on Mr. Piranha- in the last couple of weeks we have managed to surf more mornings than not. Slowly he has moved everything back into my place that I made him take home. We have a pattern. He has a towel hanging in my bedroom. He’s turned into that amazing guy that I wake up in the morning looking forward to seeing. That I go to sleep at night a little happier when I get those text messages that say “Night Hardt”… And last week knowing the extent of my finances took me for coffee (sounds simply but after not having it for 2 weeks I was in heaven) and filled my gas tank up… slowly in the last couple of weeks I have let him back into my heart… sadly he’s let me into his, but as a friend. I see him more than most his friends or roommates do…yet I will always be seen as just be a buddy. Something that slowly I’m coming to find out is even harder than not seeing him at all.

9) In my attempt to prove to myself that I am over Mr. P I have spent lots of time with Mr. Wyoming… who slowly in the last year has become a different man. We have an amazing time together; he even has let me teach him how to surf. We’ve had some good sex, some good laughs… and at one point he pushed for something more. But that’s something I can’t give him right now. So I’ve backed off a bit. Until my heart is free I’m definitely not going to allow myself to get caught up in something that I know deep down I really don’t want, no matter how nice it would feel to do just give into it…

10) I’ve become analy clean! In fact was sad this weekend when I wanted to clean and everything is so spotless the only thing I could do was to make my bed…until I discovered the extent of my microwave filth!

11) But in making my place clean have also made my apartment finally my own. And I love it. I even fixed up my balcony and have been reading and writing on it every day. Along with a glass of wine of course!

12) I’ve discovered a new obsession- Zac Brown Band. Love them! Run out and buy their latest album on I-Tunes, I promise you it’s worth it! Think Jimmy Buffet meets Kenny Chesney with a bit of Jack Johnson thrown in. Toes is basically my life…and sadly Chicken Fried reminds me so much of Mr. P it almost hurts some days to listen to the song. One that now as soon as we get into my car to surf he searches my cd’s until he finds it-knowing that it’s always somewhere in my car…

13) I went surfing up by Santa Barbara. It was great to try out some new waves- but at the same time it was so freaking cold! And I thought I needed a full wetsuit here lately!

14) While there I was camping with good friends. Had a blast! Just what I needed… a few days out of the city and out of my head. Plus smores! Has me pumped up for another camping trip in a month!

15) Swam with dolphins! I kid you not, I have been swimming or surfing with dolphins most days this month. So much that during shark week I felt something tugging at my leash while out surfing, I leaned over to take it off, thinking it was seaweed and found that there was a little fin attached to the marine creature that was playing with it! Panicked thinking it was a shark! As soon as my heart went back to a normal beat I realized it was a dolphin. It played with my leash and board for a bit before it swam off to surf the waves.

16) Also managed to kayak with seals…

17) Find a live sand dollar…

18) Had a sting ray slide over my foot, rest for a bit and then swim off…

19) Caught a fish with my bare hands at the lake and then released it…

20) Had a school of baby jellyfish swim right thru me…

21) And caught a sand crab!

22) Taught the cutest little 2 year old to ride a boogie board (Pheobe’s first surf lesson!)

23) Went Skinny Dipping with Mr. Ex… and forgot how much I loved it!

24) As for the Mr. Ex’s updates… I know a good chunk of my friends are still convinced that we are going to get married. I’ve been having an amazing time with him these last couple of weeks. But that’s because we both want the same things. Just a nice simply, NSA affair. We jet ski, hang at the lake, drink together, send really filthy texts, have fun sex, good laughs and enjoy each other’s company. We’ve been on and off for 7 years and he’s really one of my closest friends. Someone who I really do tell everything to and who is always there for me no questions asked. Our relationship works perfectly the way it is… and I have no interest in ever changing that.

25) Once again managed to screw my knew up…

26) Cut the back of my heels to bloody stumps by surfing and hiking…

27) Bruised most of my body with my board…

28) And killed yet another ankle.

29) Spent a lot of time crying… tried to think of it as cathartic- not depressing. But in reality had some days where I seriously just couldn’t get out of bed… and more often than not I have managed to drag myself out of bed for an early surf only to crawl back into bed when I get done and nap and sleep off and on for the rest of the day…would think I had mono if I didn’t have it in college. Just some days can’t manage to do anything…

30) But basically just spent the last month trying to find myself, trying to figure out what I want, tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life, tried to find a career, a man (even tried speed dating), had a lot of sex, had a lot of laughs, spent way too many nights up with friends, too many evenings out, way too much time on the beach, tanned myself way too much, took naps in the day (every day!), broke the motor on my vibrator, went through an entire box of condoms, learned to creatively cook using only what’s in my cabinets and just spent the last 30 days trying to get by as best as I could. It hasn’t all been good. In fact it’s been more bad than good. But in the end you have to try and make the most of it. I haven’t spent too much time at home feeling sorry for myself. In the end I’ve gone out and tried to make my place in the world. Just haven’t been a success at it so far…

Girl on the curl...

2009-07-27T16:25:00.001-07:00

As most of you know I had a pretty serious surf accident almost two years ago. Now the accident itself wasn’t too bad, while out surfing I broke my nose resulting in me having to have it re-broken in two places and physically moved over. The serious part of the accident happened when I was knocked unconscious. Luckily I came to less than a minute later but was underwater and covered in blood. Turns out I had a pretty serious concussion, after spending the afternoon in the hospital I was released to only come home and go in and out of consciousness the next couple of days, including throwing up anything that was put into my system even water. Since then I have had a fear of my drop down. For those of you that don’t surf, a drop is what happens after a wave breaks, you have a moment where you literally ride down the wave. It happens right at the beginning… kind of hard to surf when I’m literally petrified of the first part of the wave. Sure I’ve been out there. I’ve ridden every small wave that’s come into Southern California in the last year and a half. I’ve ridden the larger waves, just after they break so that I don’t have to face my fear… and until recently I didn’t even remember the accident at all. Which I think helped, and then a couple of weeks ago it all came back to me while out surfing, making me relive the accident and relive that fear… now this past weekend a great swell came in. And I thought it have been about time for me to conquer my fears.

Now fears are a funny thing. We all have them. Some are small, personally I’m afraid of airplane bathrooms and actually have to close the lid before I flush the toilet in them (even at 30!)… some are a little bit bigger, I’m deathly afraid of falling in love again. Afraid of being hurt. And then some are deep seeded, like the fear of the wave that measures over 3 feet (meaning that at 3-4 feet it often is more like 6-7 feet as it starts to break!).. but lately I’ve decided to face all of my fears head on. I’m not the person to sit at home and wallow. I’m someone who runs headfirst into the water and deals with the consequences later. Bones heal, bruises slowly fade (wither they be of the body or the heart) and the awesome feeling you get after a perfect ride more than conquers that fear. I have friends that are afraid of getting out there, both in the waves and in love. Afraid that meeting that person will lead to them getting hurt. Afraid having to go through that heartbreak again. Afraid of being left alone yet again. Of hearing “I’ve met someone” of finding out that they never were in love with you…But here’s the thing, the fear doesn’t go away. Just because you try and close yourself off and won’t allow yourself to fall in love again doesn’t mean that everything is going to be all right. The fear is always there. And with every person you meet, you will just feel more and more afraid. And personal who wants to live their life afraid?! So this week I faced some of my fears. And I paddled out with the boys, and I got my perfect wave… and after dropping down for what felt like forever I soon realized I was still on my board and my smile just got bigger and bigger. I did it. And boy did it ever feel amazing. And after that I paddled right back out there and got slaughter on my next wave. The leash wrapped itself around my ankle as I fell, and while I tumbled the board just kept going with the insane power of the wave and that swell. Now in one day I caught a great wave and I also caught one that stopped my heart for a second as I was caught under the water and couldn’t get up. But the thing was I just tumbled with it. I knew fighting that wave would have led to a panic... so instead I just tumbled and knew I would be ok, and I was. When I popped my head up I took a couple of huge breaths and then got right back on that board and paddled back out. Because here’s the thing about your fears, you never truly conquer them. I’m always going to see those waves as potential nose breakers. I’m always going to get knocked off and knocked around. I’m always going to end up with bruises (again on my body and my heart)… And I’m always going to see that next guy as potential to completely rip my heart to shreds… but you know what, that next ride I got was even better than the first. Sure it may not have been Kelly Slater’s perfect double over head barrel of this past weekend, but it was pretty damn perfect for me. And that’s why I keep doing what I do. For that one perfect 10 wave… because like they say, there’s always a perfect wave in ever heat. And it looks like I’m just about to start catching mine again…

"YOU BROKE MY HEART!"

2009-07-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

So at the end of the day I was left with one thought- Does swiping someone with my surfboard, make us even for him breaking my heart? In the long run maybe if I had actually knocked him out, then yes… but maybe I should back up before I look like a deranged bunny boiler going after Mr. Piranha… After last weeks emotional exhaustion that was giving back all of his stuff, I was hoping my heart would have awhile to heal before I would see him again. We both have too many mutual friends and mutual activities to not run into each other. And I’m sure we will be running into each others romantic interest too before the year is out, but was hoping for some time before any of that. Well things don’t always go according to plan, do they? Instead only a week after seeing him last, and saying my final goodbye, I was not prepared to see him today. Friday is our usual surf day… and I assumed that after all that has happened he would opt out of it. And I knew it was going to be hard going without him but it was something that I’m trying to get use to in general so I knew I would get through it just fine. But what I didn’t expect was to spend the morning surfing with him, trying to pretend like everything was fine… when all I wanted to do was scream. Because the truth of the matter is I’m really angry. Angrier than I’ve been in a really long time. I spent a lot of time being hurt. A lot of time crying. A lot of time being confused…and have just been left with this rage. I’m angry for all the lies he told me. I’m angry about all the times he told me that I was amazing when he doesn’t really believe that. I’m angry about every time he looked at me in those puppy dog eyes with a twinkle in them, and every time he would give me this grin that seemed like it was meant just for me… I’m angry that I left him get under my skin and showed him just how much. Angry every time he calls me by a nickname that he knows only a select few call me, and one that just reminds me of every time he use to say it… and how much it use to mean to hear him say it…But most of all I’m angry for falling in love with someone once again who just doesn’t love me… And I’m so angry that I can’t be around him. He tried to talk to me most the morning, I couldn’t even look at him, could talk, couldn’t even say hi. I tried to avoid him, though it’s hard to do on an ordinary day of surfing but near impossible on a day when the waves were 8 - 10 feet, when one missed step and you could be drug under a very large very powerful wave. And we slowly got into a pattern, after everyone had to bail after about 15 minutes in the waves, it was just us. Both keeping an eye out for the other, both making sure that the other was ok. And so we surfed. Not really saying anything except checking in every once in awhile. And roughly 2 hours later, after we were worked from the waves we called it a day. And slowly made it back to the shore… he tried a few comments to get me to come out of my shell, and I just couldn’t bite. He once again made a sexual comment when I got out of my wetsuit, and for a moment I saw that sparkle back in his eye and saw how much he does appreciate what I look like wearing very little. And I just had to turn away. Because at the end of the day all I felt was nothing. I looked at him and I knew it was over. No longer were we lovers. No longer were we friends. No longer were we even acquaintances…instead we were stranger. Two strangers that just happen to spend a couple of hours every week in the water together. But who when back on land have nothing left… and that makes me very sad. That someone who I once was so close with I can’t even bare to be in the same room as. I don’t know if I have ever shut down like I have now with him… as we know I’m always the one who smoothes things over. Always the one who tries to be friends. And I have since things went south, but when it came down to it today I just couldn’t do it anymore… and maybe this anger will leave me. But from where I sit tonight that’s not going to happen for awhile…and maybe it’s healthy to finally be mad. To finally not be able to see him. To finally maybe be able to stop remembering all the great times we had. Because what I need to remember is exactly how I feel now. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. And furious… because this is what he has done to me… and really why would I ever want to go back and be friends with someone who makes me feel like this? So for now I will opt out of Friday morning surf sessions. Carefully crafted answers and a trip to San Onofre will replace my 7am paddle out with friends. And it sucks that it’s come to this. But once I’m going to opt out of seeing the one who has broken my heart. Will stop trying to be friends. And will just move on. After all, hasn’t he?!

Comfort in the arms of an old friend

2009-07-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have an often confusing and complicated relationship with most of my ex’s. Most of it stems from my inability to not remain friends with them. Something that often has resulted in more problems than they were worth, and more often than not with an even bigger hole in my heart. Some such as Mr. FB and Mr. Ex have turned out to be amazing friends and always there for me. Some such as Mr. Arizona and Mr. Green have just continually broken my heart until I finally reached my boiling point and kicked them both out of my heart and my life. But then there is one that is often more confusing and complicated than either of us know what to do with, Mr. Wyoming. We often can bring out the best in each other, but just as many times bring out the worst. Over the years we have continually walked this very fine line that eventually one of us crosses and some dramatic moment will ensure. Usually with one of us telling the other to lose our number and then without fail a couple months later he will usually call, I will resist, he will keep calling and then we start the trouble over again. To this day neither of us can really remember why we broke up the first time. I remember his father flying out and putting an end to it, he just remembers us falling apart… who knows what the real reason was, if there really even was one. But somewhere along the line we became connected in a way that’s hard to pin point. No longer in love with him, I will always care for him. When he showed up on my doorstep just before I left for Havasu I was shocked. In December after yet another odd freak out by him we both decided that this was not worth it. So when he showed up to apologize for everything over the years and to tell me that of all the people in his life that I was the only one who has every truly been there for him, to say that I was speechless was an understatement. And since I’ve left for Havasu we’ve stayed in touch with emails frequently, a few text messages and a few facebook comments. Since returning from Havasu I’ve hung out with him, but none of the old feelings came back. Just two old friends hanging out… but there’s something different that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to. I don’t want to know the difference; I don’t want to know where that difference can lead. Last night we once again hung out, had drinks in my apartment, went over some new changes I want to make (he’s going to help on Thursday Paint my bedroom and kitchen.)… And for the first time in a long time we ended up back in my bed. Now he and I never really got out sex life together, it became a big joke that we really were just not sexually compatible. And for a good part of last night it was the same as always. We ended up stopping and just laid in bed laughing about it. But the changing moment was when he looked at me and asked why after all these years we just couldn’t get it together. And I knew he meant more than just the sex. And I kind of shrugged and laughed, a sign that we aren’t meant for each other I said… and yet after that the sex was kind of fantastic. And we fell asleep in each other’s arms to only wake up in the middle of the night and once again try a little fantastic out… and in the end I was left with a smile. Finally figured it out… just too late to figure us out. Maybe it finally worked because we were more honest with each other last night than we ever have been. We laughed, and talked and reminisced… and I was surprised that after all these years we are still so familiar to each other. In a way it’s like coming back to my past...

Sometimes a Sand Dollar is just a Sand Dollar...

2009-07-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent the last week trying to find meaning in Sand Dollars. Mr. Piranha came and picked up all his stuff that he’s left at my house, including his surfboard. It’s funny, returning his wetsuit and misc other items he’s left in my apartment and car wasn’t hard. I just washed what was here and put them all in a bag, including a CD that I had burned for him awhile back. But seeing him come for the board really made my heart drop. In my naïve state I saw that board as a symbol of hope. On my birthday he even joked that he was slowly moving into my apartment. That board meant we would continue to surf all the time, that he actually did want to be with me, that he would be able to get over his issues and things would work themselves out. What I didn’t realize was that he was working out these issues on someone else and that I was just becoming his storage bin. At first he was hesitant about getting his board, but I think that was just a cover, him trying to still be the nice guy because as soon as I mentioned him coming to pick it up he jumped at the chance… and since then I’ve been a jumble of emotions. Mad that I actually let him think I forgave him (though who am I kidding, of course I forgave him for many of the things). Mad at myself that I let him come surf. Something that he annoyingly continued to thank me for the rest of the day. Mad at myself that I let him off the hook so easily. A half ass apology once again telling me how amazing I am, shouldn’t have cut it. And in fact there was a moment when I completely let him off the hook, and oddly it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with a little pet sand dollar… When he came down I kept him at arms length. It was awkward and I am not ashamed to say I wasn’t that nice. We surfed and I continued to keep him at arms length until I noticed that right at the edge of the water were thousands of live sand dollars. Something so amazing that I can’t even describe them. And I played with them and searched the beach… the irony of them is that for as many live ones there were just as many dead ones, washed ashore and broken. Growing up I always believed that each sand dollar represented a broken heart. And there I was, with mine breaking more and more every minute finding tons of broken hearts washed up on the beach, and a few whole ones (which if you have ever searched for sand dollars know that those are really rare. )And I took it as a sign…

Since then I have researched Sand Dollars. I found out that they have a huge meaning in Catholicism and actually are the symbol for love, hope, and rebirth. And I thought that someone was trying to tell me something… in the end I’ve realized that they really are just sand dollars. Just live animals that got washed up due to an incoming storm off Mexico. They aren’t any higher being trying to tell me something. Because as much as I believe in signs, what would the universe be telling me. To not give up hope? That’s what my girls had been telling me this past month. That my broken heart will heal, even in my most dramatic state I know that it will. That something better will come? Doesn’t it always… That this is a chance to once again start over… sure that sounds nice. But for once I’d like to not be starting over. I’ve like to not end up in tears. I’d like to not be left alone on my Saturday nights while the one that I really want to be with is out with who he actually wants to be with. I don’t know when that’s going to happen… if it ever will. I’ve always thought I’d be married and with kids at this point in my life. And I’ve finally come to realize that I’m actually really happy that I’m not. That my life is just starting and I have so many adventures out there to live… it’s just that I’d like someone to share them with. And despite all the differences that we had, despite that even some of our closest friends had a hard time seeing us together, I know deep down that he was someone that I could share my adventures with… and that is worth a lot more than a handful of sand dollars ever will.

And part three... the final part.

2009-07-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the last week and I’ve had a hard time writing about it. Over the years you have watched as I fall in and out of love. Watched me get hurt. Watched me pick myself up all the while saying this time I’m really broken…in fact I’ve begun to feel like the little girl who cried pain… and maybe it’s because when you fall you forget all the spills you’ve had in the past. You just look on with hope and forget all the hurt. But once again I lay broken… and I know that just like all the rest, I will get over him. I will move on with someone else… but this one is going to be really hard to get over. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere between Havasu and Los Angeles I fell in love. But a completely different love. For once I wasn’t oblivious to his faults. Instead I fell in love with him… and over the last month he has told me many things, given me many promises, and weaved a web of lies. I’ve spent many nights playing with his kittens. I’ve had him cook me dinner. We’ve spent many morning surfing. Looking for the best taco places in Los Angeles. I’ve met his friends. He’s hung out with mine… and I believed everything that he told me. When he said he’s still in pain from his last relationship and needed time, I believed that. When he said he needs to take a break from dating, I believed that. We he sent me email after email telling me just how awesome and amazing I am, I believed that too. And I know now I should have walked away in Havasu. I have very few regrets in my life, in fact I can count them on one finger, and the fact of the matter is that if I could have skipped a party back in December and never met him I would without hesitation. Because after each break up I have been left with a different set of hurts, but never have I felt completely raw with humiliation as I do right now. Not even being posted naked on the internet has left me feeling like this… On Saturday he finally told me the truth. In one short conversation I found out all those “issues” he had with himself and how he couldn’t date were really just issues with me. He told me point blank that yes he was seeing someone else, but that it wasn’t exclusive because “I just need to be single for awhile because I’m enjoying fucking a lot of girls”… and it was in the moment that I actually couldn’t catch my breath. Because I looked at him with all the love in my eyes and staring back at me were the eyes of someone I don’t know. I was also informed of my sexual issues- apparently I don’t give enough blow jobs… it wasn’t just him being honest, it was him being down right cruel. I tried to get him to leave, but in fact was told he still had a beer to drink, so I Ieft to shower and get ready for the night. When I got out he was still there… and in that moment I hated him. More than I can remember feeling in a really long time. Because I will say it, I hate him right now.

Since Saturday I’ve received emails and texts from him, apologizing. Saying he didn’t mean anything that he said on Saturday. Telling me once again how amazing I am, trying to take back his blow job comment and in fact told me: “The sex was really fun, you look great naked and you do some really cool stuff with your vagina”, romantic, right?! That I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, that he didn’t mean it, that he’s scared of a relationship and that he just felt panicked at the thought of getting into one again. That I’m a really “cool chick”… and every day goes on and I don’t feel any better. I feel a hole where one of my close friends use to be… I miss him even more than I hate him. And yet I know that this time I cannot be friends with him. I’ve tried to return his surfboard… and even now as I sit here crying I just received another text from him. I told him that I cannot be friends, but the truth of the matter is that we have too many mutual friends for us to not run into each other. When he asked about surfing this week I told him that we will have to eventually so might as well get this over with. But at the same time I told him that that will be the only time he will see me. And even now I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face him…

The Holiday weekend and my Piranha Bite…part 2 of 3

2009-07-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

Friday I was very hopeful, things with Mr. P seemed to be back to normal. We were having a blast hanging out, he was finally back to his old flirtatious self, we had spent an amazing day before and I was excited to meet his guy friends. It was the birthday of one of his oldest and dearest, one of his Fraternity Brothers from back east and I was going to get to meet all his close guys. And call me crazy, but I always take it as a good sign when the guy wants me to meet his boys. Now I’ve meet his roommates and we get along great. I’ve met a bunch of his girl friends, because they are how I met him originally. But the boys, now those I haven’t met. I of course brought along some back up of my own, two of my girl friends who although don’t know these guys just happen to be just as close, if not closer with Mr. P than I am. And the evening started off promising. Flirty text messages going back and forth had me ready for a fun night… and by fun I mean I was thinking that maybe I should have shaved my legs after all. And things seemed to be going great, he was very touchy feely, kept telling me just how amazing I looked and in fact started hinting about maybe he would like a little company in his bed that night. I hit it off with the rest of his friends, and even had a giggle when one of the girls came up to me and was like oh you’re Hardt, we’ve been teasing him about you and waiting to meet you. I thought damn I’m in… and when I went to say goodnight he leaned in and gave me just exactly what I’ve been waiting for since I came back from Havasu- that amazing goodnight kiss. But then of course when I should have gone home with him, I went home alone. He once again freaked out and told me that he couldn’t do this and when I went to the car I received the message that really just killed me: “I’m so sorry for the mind fuck. You are gorgeous. And amazing. And sexy. And I want to be with you so bad. But I can’t. I just need time or something. There’s a lot going on right now and I just need some time. I’m sorry”

And once again I was bitten. I couldn’t believe it. And for hours the text messages flew, with confessions and truths that I actually can’t share. I said I wouldn’t tell a soul, and for once I am keeping my promise. And yes there are many reasons why he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, but he seems to be forgetting the main reason why he should- the fact that no matter what happens, no matter how many times he says he doesn’t want to be with me and can’t be with me, no matter what he tries to do, at the end of the day does think about me. He still is drawn to me, to us to what we were. And that’s the hardest. If he just didn’t want to be with me, it would be so easy to walk away. If he could look me in the eye and say I just don’t want you, I would be gone…but he can’t. Even when I asked him to say that to me on Friday night, he couldn’t. All he could say is that he needs time…

And yet again he woke up Saturday morning claiming he doesn’t remember much of what he said the night before. And yet again he sent texts all day seeing how my 4th was going… and yet again we spent a Sunday night cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First to the intermission of the 4th…

The Holiday Weekend and my Piranha Bite. Part 1 of 3- with a brief intermission for the 4th

2009-07-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

In relationships it’s not abnormal for me to be jealous, but it’s an odd jealousy. When I’m out with the guys and they are talking to other girls, I never get jealous. I always know that they are going home with me so I am usually very secure on that. But what I do get jealous about are these friends of theirs that I don’t know. These girls that pop up on their caller id, or their facebook pages or just in random conversation. And add to that this very weird sense of things, I sometimes go a little over the edge with that jealousy. I always know the one. The girl they end up cheating on me with. The girl they break up with me for. The girl they are dating at the same time. It’s weird how I can sense it. It’s never the girl that leaves millions of messages. It’s never the girl that we hang out with on a Saturday night. It’s never the overly flirty girl. So I don’t know how I know.. .but I do.

Now this week I had a different kind of jealousy. Resigned to the fact that Mr. Piranha and I are only going to be friends I’ve been hanging out with him a bit more. And when he called to invite me to go surfing Thursday I was excited. Mostly we’ve been hanging out with people, and even when I was over as his place the other night watching movies we watched it with his two roommates and his very attentive cat, Tink. So the idea of being out in the water with him basically just chilling for an hour or two was very appealing…until he brought along the girl I can never be, Miss Friend. Now I’ve known Miss Friend for years and have even become hiking buddies with her recently. We’ve always gotten along and it is in fact through her that I met Mr. Piranha. Now she has always intimidated me. It’s hard to explain why, but she reminds me of that girl in high school, the one who never cared much what people thought about her, who smoked behind the bleachers and was always one step cooler than you were though you could never pin point why. Through the years I’ve always been a little shy around Miss Friend, never felt quite cool enough. Which is odd because I never have that feeling, I can walk up to almost anyone and strike up a conversation. Yet with her I’m a bit more subdued. Now add on top of that that she is without a doubt the closest friend that Mr. Piranha has and they are so close at times I feel they are the same person, and are inseparable so it’s only normal that now I am even more intimidated by her. And seeing how close they are it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me when I got a text message last night saying she was coming surfing too… But it’s an understatement to say I wasn’t a little disappointed. And it wasn’t because I was hanging out with her, and it wasn’t because I was hanging out with the two of them because oddly enough when I’m actually with the two of them I somehow feel less out of place. A friend of mine reminded me this weekend that no matter what I do he will never look at me the way he does her, and that they will always have these inside jokes and I will always feel out of their circle. But in fact I feel the exact opposite. When I am with them they both go a bit out of the way to make sure I feel included. And in fact the three of us had a blast surfing and we have plans to go again this week. The only reason I was disappointed was due to the fact that I was hoping to spend some time with him alone so that I can get use to the whole we are just friend’s thing and really try and move past this. Instead we had an amazing time the three of us which just let me with this feeling of why can’t this work out!

After the day spent surfing Miss Friend headed home and Mr. P and I got Tacos and beers and just chilled at my place for the afternoon… and I would like to say there wasn’t any tension between us that we were just two friends hanging out, but we all know that wasn’t the case. In fact when he mentioned how it was such a great idea for us to hang out and surf I agreed and told him that it was all part of my master plan. That the more we hang out, the more I will want to be with him. And his exact response was: “Well that didn’t work out too well now did it?” After I got a little defensive, I mean I at least thought I was putting on a good front, he replied- “No I was talking about me. Hanging out with you has not made me want you less, in fact it’s only made me want you more”… so the plan has back fired. And that night he not only invited me to BBQ at his house the next day but sent me a message that night letting me know that not only did he have an amazing time with me but just how much of an amazing girl I was… hopeful, yes. Ready for the boat to get rocked, most definitely. About to be disappointed yet again, read on…

I'm 30!

2009-07-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

I’m 30. I don’t have the perfect life. I haven’t met the allusive “Mr. Right”. I don’t have 2.5 kids. I don’t live in that house with the white picket fence. I don’t have that perfect job. I may not have had the “perfect” life but I have had an amazing one.

In the past 30 years I’ve had wild crazy passionate affairs and even got caught having sex in a national park (as well as given a blow job driving down the sunset strip in Vegas). I learned to surf, kick box, kayak, became a yoga master, hitch hiked through Hawaii, gone off roading through mountains and deserts, white water rafted, zip lined through rainforests, cliff dived in Jamaica, gone bungee jumping, learned to ride a stand up jet ski, hiked an active volcano, ran from a rattle snake, gotten stung by a jelly fish, a sting ray, and had a man of war wrap itself around my body. I’ve gotten caught in a rip current, held under a wave, knocked unconscious by my surfboard, broken my nose, sprained my knee, been to multiple emergency rooms and gotten multiple concussions.

I’ve been in 5 major relationships and more minor ones than I care to remember! I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights but I’ve woken up with a smile on my face so many more.

I love taking a nap with someone on Sunday afternoons especially after a day at the beach! And will marry in an instant the guy who loves sand in the bed as much as I do.

I’ve work on top rated Sitcoms, huge budget romantic comedy films, disaster movies with famous directors but can’t wait to move into Environmental Documentaries.
I’ve been vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, carb-free, carb-addict, you name it and I’ve tried it. Right now I just am me. And although I’ve never received flowers from a boyfriend at one point I thought I would marry the man who brought me cheese instead…until I found that man. And until recently I’d never had a boy cook me dinner (still dreaming about those damn Brussel Sprouts too!)

I think walks in the moonlight are the best, especially in the sand. And the best place for a date is the Santa Monica Pier complete with ice cream and a ride on the Farris Wheel.

Even though I know that he’s just not that into you if he isn’t calling I still will call him (and text, and facebook, and BBM…) I hate anyone being mad at me so I will always call and apologize even if they were in the wrong. I will forgive someone for anything, which most people will say is my biggest fault. I think it’s one of my biggest strengths, though it literally kills me a little bit inside every time I do.
Some of my ex’s are my best friends and I’m even still friends with the first guy I ever slept with and who, like everyone has always predicted, will be at my wedding. He will just not be the one waiting at the end of the aisle for me.

I’ve been set up on blind dates by all my friends and except for one they have all been disasters. I’ve tried online dating, dated friends brothers, friend’s cousins, friends of friends, ex’s of friends and even spent a memorable evening speed dating. But all those dating disasters have lead to funny stories, a blog and hopefully before long a book!

I don’t adhere to the 3 day before calling or the 3 dates before sleeping with them rules! I don’t believe “It’s not you it’s me”, obviously it is me or we’d be together. I’ve finally learned that “I just can’t date anyone right now really means I just don’t want to date YOU! I don’t play games which is one of the reasons why I can’t keep a relationship for more than a couple of months and I’m too honest for my own good. I don’t believe in Nice Guys, but still hope they are out there. And despite it all- all the bad dates, the broken hearts, the unanswered calls, the times I’ve been cheated, all the men that have left and all those failed romances, despite everything I still believe in Soul Mates.

Many people yell at me for living in what they coin a fantasy land but I will always believe in the best of people. I also believe in second chances (and third and fourth and fifth)… And when I get an idea in my head, I start to make plans. I can’t help myself. I just get caught up in the moment, in life, in the possibilities that could be and fall head first into everything (including men). I wish on a star almost every night. I throw pennies into every fountain I pass. I try and wish on 11:11… And at 30 I still believe in fairytale endings, in pots of gold at the end of rainbows and that there really is a silver lining on every dark cloud. But although I still believe in Happily Ever After, I’ve finally learned that life isn’t a romantic comedy. Sometimes it isn’t about happy endings, at least not the kind I dreamt of as a little girl. Because sometimes in life the princess doesn’t get to keep her prince. And more often than not he just turns out to be a frog. But I’ve learned that it’s not about the destination in life, it’s about the journey. And boy have I had some journeys!

I cry at happy endings and love horror moves more than anything. The Shinning is my staple for Valentine’s Day and one of my favorite things to do in the summer is to see old horror movies at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

I’ve traveled around the world every way possibly including by ferry, hydro-plane, mule, helicopter, horse, car, truck, bike, kayak, shuttle… and yet to this day I’m still afraid of airplane bathrooms and have to put the lid down before I flush them.
I moved to Los Angeles 8 years ago not knowing a soul. And in the last 8 years, this once strange and scary city has become the home that I never imagined. I have met amazing people, the people that everyone else in the world only dream about. And at the same time I have met friends that I can now only call family. I’ve surround myself with a group of people that have literally brought me back to the living more times that they will ever know. They are a hodgepodge of people that I’ve met over the years. Some are from Elementary School, some College, some from Universal, Warner Brothers, New Line and various Films and TV shows. Somehow through dinners and drinks, nights spent crying and laughing, days spent on the beach surfing and biking, through births and deaths, through break ups and wedding, and through 8 years of life they have become my family.

I love thunderstorms, the louder the better. And if I get to have sex during one then I truly am in heaven!

I hate people not returning phone calls so no matter how mad I am with someone I will always call them back. And yes I will get mad at you when you don’t respond to my text messages!

I’ve goggled everyone I’ve ever dated (and possibly facebook stalked as well). And if you date me you will end up in one of my blogs.

My mom is my best friend and my father is the first person I call if something good or bad happens.

At 30 I’ve finally stopped trying to be who people want me to be. I’m far from perfect. I often go at least an extra day without shaving my legs. I’ve started to except that I will always have a belly is sticks out more than it should. My face still breaks out from stress. More often than not my hair is just in an unbrushed pony. I prefer my glass to my contacts. I often go days without wearing a bra. I’m grumpy, demanding, whiny, solitary, spastic, loud, overbearing, crazy, obsessive, and dorky me. I spend way too much time on my computer. Too many hours dissecting my belly. Gets depressed when the scale goes up… and giddy when it goes down.

I’ve had a tumultuous couple of years and have learnt that it’s ok to be 30 and not married, to not have my 2.5 kids yet, to not own my own house, to not have a job that I totally love or get paid enough for. It’s ok to not wear SPF 40 (and not to feel guilty about it). Ok to skip dinner to have that chocolate cake. Ok to not have that diamond ring from Tiffany’s. It’s OK to not look like Barbie, to not agree with my parents view on my life, to enjoy sex (even if it sometimes is with the wrong guy). And most importantly it’s Ok to just be ME!

In the past 30 years I’ve died my hair platinum, brown, maroon, and finally back to its natural blond, I’ve broken someone’s heart and had my own broken (more than once!), bailed a boyfriend out of jail, gotten reviewed in numerous papers, had a naked super bowl party (for only two of course!), totaled a car (well had it totaled for me), gotten a tattoo, did a walking marathon, lost 5 dress sizes and 40 pounds, been posted naked on craigslist, learned to mix the perfect drink (and began writing about it), learned to put on false eyelashes (hey that one was really hard!), spent an entire day naked in bed with someone, built a bonfire from scratch, built a perfect sandcastle, thrown a black tie party, gotten the answer right in final Jeopardy, built a website from scratch, killed every plant I’ve ever owned, met my idols, lit fireworks on the beach…And just lived my life. Maybe not the way I’m supposed to, maybe it’s not “perfect”, maybe it’s not how you’d live your life… When I think back to what I thought my life would be like at 30 and all the things that I thought I should have or should have done I can see that for everything that is still missing there are at least 3 amazing things that are in its place, things that I never thought possible, that I never even dreamed of. Life is a funny thing, you go through it with this plan, this idea of what your life should be like. And then one day you realize that your life might just be everything you’ve ever wanted. Sure it may not be wrapped up in a happy little bow yet, but really who wants their Happy Ever After at 30? For me I can’t wait to see how this story plays out… right now I’m just at the 3rd Act twist. In fact this is just The Beginning…

From my mother on her 60th brithday...

2009-06-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am not an old woman....by CME

I am 60, I have lived a Lavish life, from Lorain to London. I have traveled in all four hemispheres; From south of the equator to dive on the Great Barrier reef, To North Pole Alaska to see Santa Clause. I have visited my family’s origins in the Czech Republic, Attended Mass at the Vatican in Rome, And prayed to Buddha in China. In 60 years; I have crawled, run, hiked, biked and walked the Boston Marathon. I have witnessed someone take their first breath, and another’s last. I have experienced ups and downs, But always saw my glass half full instead of half empty. It is so hard to believe that I am finally as old as my mother. I now walk in comfortable shoes, Buy a bathing suit without trying it on and eat desserts. I hate turning 60, but I love what has gotten me here . . . I love being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend And a cancer survivor who celebrates life every day… Including another birthday.

When hope doesn't float up

2009-06-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

Sometimes my hopeful optimism breaks me down. And today I really feel it. When you are on the outside you can see that something isn’t working, that something will never work. You can look at a friend’s relationship and know that she’s just about to get her heart broken. And you can advise her. And you can try and be there. But no matter what you do or don’t do she’s still going to get hurt… and once again I’m just left hurt. But this time it’s more than just being hurt by a boy. It’s hurt by the same situation over and over again. Because at some point we realize that it’s not these boys but it’s us. It’s something that I am doing that seems to have them run to the hills… And for once I just have to say I give up. This has actually broken me. I’m sick of always having blind hope. Always “knowing” that it’s just going to work out… because what if it’s just not? Every guy I’ve dated in the last couple of years is right now currently in a great relationship. All these guys that all my friends have put down told me aren’t good enough, that they are the ones with the problems, with the commitment issues, that it’s not ME. The fact of the matter is it is, it’s me. It’s me that they didn’t love enough, or at all in some of these cases. They were perfectly able to move on with the next girl and give her everything that I never got. And yet I’m still here racking up one unsuccessful relationship after the next… Always the girl that stays friends with them. Always the girl who is just there. The one who calls. The one who is the push over. The one who always forgives. The one who makes sure they are ok. The one who in the end just doesn’t move on. Well I’m done being that girl. The girl that at the end of the day just ends up with her heart broken in her hands… and I’m sure I will piece it back together like I usually do. But what do I do know that I finally realize that it may be pieced back together, but it’s just never going to be the same. What do I do when I start to realize that maybe that happy ending isn’t mine. That maybe at the end of the road there is just me. And there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Dating 5, Friends 4!

2009-06-13T12:05:00.001-07:00

After Mr. Piranha left for a buddies wedding in New York this weekend I prepared for 5 days with no communication… instead I have had constant text messages from him including a picture of my favorite hot dog place in New York. Which just left me with a constant grin on my face all day, even while at work- which was insanely grueling… I feel we may be inching out of the friends zone. More to come, but am exhausted!

Dead tie- Friends 4, Dating 4?!

2009-06-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday night I had a first date… well at least that’s what it felt like. But in fact I still don’t know exactly what it was or what it meant. Does he want to just be friends? Does he want to go back to dating? So I will let you decide what the final tally was…

After spending the afternoon yelling at the Lakers Game with my boys down at Big Wangs I went over to Mr. Piranha’s place for a movie night with his roommates (Dating 1, Friends 0- wanted me to meet the friends)… and it felt…awkward (Dating 2, Friends 0, felt like first date). We both didn’t know what to do with each other. I was nervous going over because I haven’t seen him since we got back from Havasu a week and a half ago and didn’t know what to expect. And instead of a night with just the two of us feeling things out, we spent them in the constant company of his 2 roommates (Friends 1, Dating 2- he didn’t seem to want to be alone with me!). Mind you I didn’t mind hanging out with his roommates, but on the other hand neither of us knew how to act and they didn’t seem to help things. And seeing as he was impossible to read I just kind of sat there taking it all in. The movie sucked so luckily we all talked through most of it, and watched their new kitten play with everything that she could find. And maybe it would have been just as awkward without the roommates there, but who knows. In the end we ended up sitting next to each other on the couch, not really cuddling but still up against one another. (Friends 2, Dating 2) I wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move, so I just sat there. And it felt really odd to sit next to him without touching him. Usually we would be all cuddled up with our legs intertwined and him holding my hand in his… not next to each other touching just barely. We both moved slowly closer toward each other as the night went on (Dating 3, Friends 2), and by the end my legs we sort of over his, but just barely (Friends 3, Dating 3). Still afraid to make a move. I could see him turning to look at me though out the movie (Dating 4, Friends 3), and every once in a while I’d look back at him… but was afraid to rock the boat. Didn’t want to come off to sexual in case he really does want to be friends, but on the other hand I think I may have given him the wrong vibe of me just wanting to be friendly. After the movie I was hoping we would go back to his room to just be us… nothing was going to happen sexually because among all our other problems I’m very allergic to cats and with a runny nose and sneezing I wasn’t putting off the please jump my bones vibe… so all through the evening we felt like strangers on a first date. Trying to feel each other out, double guessing what the other was thinking and all around not acting like “us” at all. Which is weird, because despite all the weirdness, despite his freak out, and pressures that I put on him we were always really good with the us part. We kind of just fit… and sitting there on the couch I couldn’t really put a finger on it, but it felt like we all of a sudden just didn’t. And so I sat there…

After the movie P ended up making a midnight snack (Chili Mac and Cheese Fries) and I sat on the kitchen counter and kept him company for the hour it took him to make it. When we finally were a bit away from his roommates we sort of went back to our normal selves… but the roommates were always right in the room with us, adding comments into our conversation. And although we were a bit back to normal it still felt off. It’s not that I’m not use to him put putting around in the kitchen. In fact it was always one of my favorite times with him. But this time instead of the touching and flirting we mostly stayed in our own corners… and as soon as he finished cooking I decided I need to end the awkwardness and head home (that and the allergy attack was getting worse)… as I made my goodbyes he leaned in and gave me a HUG (Friends 4, Dating 3)… it felt weird enough saying goodbye at the end of the evening instead of just crawling into bed with each other, but a HUG?! Though when I tried to end it he actually just held me tighter (Dating 4, Friends 4). And there we stood. With our arms around each other. My face buried in his neck for what felt like a lifetime. And then he let go and I was on my way… even more confused than ever. From where I’m sitting it’s a tie. Still no idea what’s going on…. But finally ok with just letting it ride. So maybe we will be friends. Maybe we will go back to dating… All that I do know is that it felt damn good to be back in his arms.

Mr. Piranha

2009-06-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Because I couldn't resist... while organizing photo's on my computer I came across one of the many pictures that I have of Mr. P from our time in Havasu. Let me introduce you to Mr. Pirannha!

Sometimes you can't love the one you're with...

2009-06-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

You know those days when you run into an ex and things are great, you laugh, and talk and reminiscence and when it’s all over you are left with a sense of nostalgia and you just can’t seem to remember why you broke up in the first place? Well yesterday I had the opposite happen. I spent another weekend down with Mr. FB. One that involved lots of drinking and an insane volleyball tournament. We went to one of his frat brothers Volleyball Tourney down at Dockweiler State Beach. It involved lots of insane costumes, loud music, crazy drunkenness and a whole lot of fun. The problem was we were seriously drinking for the better part of the day so by 3 everyone was trashed. And although I was very drunk myself, I had one moment of sobriety. I looked over at Mr. FB being his usual fun loving outgoing self and I had one thought- that for the life of me I couldn’t remember why we ever started dating in the first place. Now nothing happened to make me change my mind about him. He’s exactly who he has always been, I just can’t remember why I ever found that appealing. And in that moment I realized just how appealing Mr. Piranha really was… and did stupid thing number 1 for the day- I called him. Now the surprising thing was he was actually really happy to hear from me. I was surprised that he even answered the phone… and I tried to tempt him into taking a break from working on his online cartoon later in the day with me. And he began to think about it… now drunk and not wanting to push my luck I quickly got off the phone but not before he decided that yea maybe he could use a little break later… so I continued on my day, only this time sobering up. After the tourney we headed to Mr. FB’s favorite place- Big Mikes, for some much needed dinner and then it was time to head back to my place for a nap. Now MR. FB was a little confused by this because all along I was planning on just napping there and then heading out later with him to the tourney after party. But in that moment I just couldn’t get away quick enough… These last two weekends with Mr. FB have been great. Just what I needed. We had tons of fun, I got to hide out at his place down by the beach, and it was sort of like dating but without the actual intimacy and sex. It’s just been really easy. And it was something to really smooth me into being single again after spending the weeks prior being in constant intimacy (and sex) with Mr. Piranha. And for that I’m very grateful that Mr. FB was there…but the sad thing was that at the end of the day it was Mr. P whom I wanted to crawl into bed with. And he’s the one who I just can’t be with. In the end he wasn’t able to take a break from his work. And I would like to say it wasn’t able, versus just didn’t want to be bothered with me. And he really does have to work all weekend for his huge pitch that he has this week.. And in the end I need to not only give him space, but give my heart a little space from him. Because despite it all he still is the one who put the smile on my face yesterday. The one who reminded me of just how great things could have been. And still the one who left me wanting more… Because as much as I want it, this sadly little Hardt doesn’t get to just climb into bed with him and nap away his fears… instead I will just climb into my own bed and dream that things can end differently. Because just for once I’d like this story to end with a happily ever after. After all, isn’t it about time?

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the LA and FB Part of the story.

2009-06-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

And now the promised story on Mr. FB and how he fits into the saga with Mr. Piranha. Last I left it with Mr. FB he was dating someone else just as I started dating P… though turns out who he is dating is a former very famous child-star, former meth-addict, formerly married 2 times and currently going through a really nasty custody battle and living with her parents in order to stay sober. So needless to say instead of feeling hurt that he had moved on I kind of had a giggle about it. Yea I know that’s mean to say, but in the spirit of things I’m such a better catch. Though also in that same spirit P is so much better than MR. FB would ever be. So instead of us continuing the false friendship that we had, Mr. FB and I had a nice little break from each other and when hearing I was coming back to LA decided to take me out on my first night back and get me drunk to help forget all my problems. Turns out when I finally let go of any idea of us being together what we were left with was an actual friendship! And in fact it was him that really calmed me down about Mr. P… his advice to me was that nothing had actually changed in Mr. P’s feelings for me. All he was was a little scared and that if I give him time and show him that I’m really am not going to pressure him into anything than he will come around. In fact FB was betting that I would be in an actual relationship with P before the month was out. And it seemed like he might be right. Sunday afternoon I got a text from P asking how my day surfing went. And we sent back a few texts for a bit… mine a littler drunker than his. I was still with FB. In fact we ended up spending 26 hours together before I finally went home. He invited me to stay another night, and after a great day drinking champagne on the beach I was exhausted enough to pass out in his bed for a second day in a row but decided that I needed to get back to reality and headed back up to my own place...

And I woke up Monday morning feeling a bit more cheerful and sent a text wishing P good luck on his trip… a few hours later when he reached Mt. Whitney I got a bunch of flirty text messages from him and was really starting to feel good about things. When we last left it, he had changed his tune from his first goodbye which was well I’m sure we will see each other around sometime in LA (um seeing that we share a best friend I would say yes we will) to his new tune of ok I will talk to you later… and was feeling great until yesterday morning happened. I was feeling a little guilty by the fact that we had been hiding our relationship from most of our friends, especially from one of his closest friends- who we can call the girl I will never live up to. Now I don’t feel at all threatened by her because I know her feelings on him. But I just kind of wanted to feel out what he might have eventually confessed so I went to leave her a message and see if she wanted to go on a hike with me this week…to only find out she was already on one. UP MOUNT WHITNEY. On what was sold to me as a “Guy Trip” with a couple buddies from the Marines. Now I know I never asked, oh so no girls? But when you ask someone who they are going on a trip with and they only talk about the guys going, why would you assume otherwise. Now mind you I don’t care that she’s there. Besides knowing her feelings on him, I also know that they are hiking for a couple days, with no showers, no bathrooms, no running water. So even if he was hiking with Geiselle he wouldn’t be looking to get laid. What I had a problem with is the fact that he lied to my face about who was going. We even had a running joke on how he would have to cuddly with his buddy Charlie because it was so cold… But in the long run it was me left out in the cold. Now I have no idea why he chose to lie by omission. But right now I don’t think I care to find out. No I’m not going to confront him…in fact I’m just tired. Tired of once again putting my trust into someone who obviously just doesn’t deserve it. Maybe he thought I already knew. Maybe he didn’t want it to upset me. Maybe he just didn’t care… who knows. But for once I think I maybe the one to just walk away. Sure it seems like he’s making the baby steps to make this work. But after this stumble, I think it will be me that is going to run away. Because I’m sick of being the one who always gets hurt in the end…and this time it’s much easier to just walk before that happens. Which is hard, because for once here is an amazing guy, who just can’t seem to leap…

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the In-Between Part of the Story

2009-05-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

When Mr. P got home from work on Friday night his plan was to grab his stuff, his guitar and head back to Los Angeles. But you know what they say about best laid plans! Instead he walked in on the end of the Lakers Game (side note- GREAT GAME!) and it was one of our little traditions to have naked Lakers Nights… I of course knew he didn’t want anything else between us but thought I would see if I could work a little magic. Turns out, no magic was had. But he didn’t want to leave yet. So instead of him heading back we laid in bed, barely touching and watched the game. After it ended he still didn’t feel right leaving, so we watching a movie and fell asleep in bed with the new plan of him leaving at 6am. Now when I say we slept I mean he slept without touching me AT ALL and I laid in bed trying not to cry. It felt weird to have our first night where we slept without his arms around me, without his breath on my neck, without his legs rubbing against mine… and it felt even weirder when his alarm went off when he didn’t automatically reach to pull me as close to him as possible… and yet he went back to sleep and once again delayed his trip back home. We finally both woke up around 8:30 and that is when he finally reached for me and we laid there in each others arms for about a half hour not saying anything. When I tried to mention us having sex he just laughed and said he had to go and knew that when we have sex it’s not quick. But still that was an excuse, because he still didn’t leave right away. He made us breakfast, though I was unable to eat a thing. And he grabbed his guitar and half heartedly played for a bit. And then when we could delay it no longer he left (after 3 goodbyes and both of us holding on to each other for dear life) and I left an hour after him.

Of course it took him so long getting gas, filing up the air in his tires and looking for beer cozies for his dad that I was only a bit behind him. And as soon as I reached about an hour out of Havasu all the stations on the radio became just Christian Rock and I soon bored of listening to the punk rock version of “Sounds of Satan” (I kid you not that was one of the songs!)… so I did what needed to be done. I called him to tell me a story, and since it was his fault I had no CD’s in my car he obliged. And there we were on the phone caravanning the entire way. Though when we ran out of chit chat, and were just on the phone giving observances on what was passing us by he did offer to stop at the next mile marker and leave CD’s for me… But even with songs in my car finally we still kept calling each other. We managed to get turned around in Bakersfield while we looked for a place to have lunch, eventually ended up at Baja Fresh. Were we sat, laughed and just enjoyed being together again for a good time after we were done eating… and where we said our 4th goodbye of the day! And then continued on the road home. Still picking up the phone to talk to each other every couple of minutes until we finally reached LA and went on our separate ways… the last text was from him about the very sad end of the Cleveland Game… and at that point I had to delete his number out of my phone. Knowing that Saturday was Blackout Saturday (Mr. FB was taking me out to help me forget my issues… don’t worry that story will come later!) and knowing that I would get drunk and send him a message about how much I missed him I did what I had to do… and sadly pressed delete letting Mr. Piranha out of my life…

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the Havasu Part of the Story.

2009-05-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

I guess before I go into what’s been going on in LA with Mr. FB I probably should go back to last weekend in Havasu with Mr. Piranha. The conclusion of my spring romance. Now when I left it I was just trying to enjoy the time we had together. He had his freak out, but was getting better. After that we spent a great week together. Lots of sex (like usual), lots of basketball, a little working out (I got to ride my bike around the island as he ran to get him in training for his trek up Mt. Whitney, and a very romantic dinner out. Now all around everything was going great and while we were having desert at our favorite Italian place on Thursday night he made a joking comment and thanked me for dating him. I was like in general or just tonight? He laughed and said a little of both. I took that to be a good sign and then made the stupid mistake of saying well that’s great, we are good then right? No need to have any conversation about us going back. And that’s when he dropped the bombshell of well yea everything is amazing HERE but that he can’t be in a relationship when he gets back. At that point my mouth basically dropped, I was pretty blind sighted. I was expecting for things to take a step back, you can’t go from living and working with someone to then living and working separately without taking a few steps back. And in fact I was looking forward to us just going back to dating and really getting to know each other… turns out he wasn’t. In fact he said he needs to get things sorted out in his life (Therapy is one of the things he’s starting up when he gets back from his hike) and just can’t have the distraction of a girlfriend right now. Part of that I understand because I’m in the same mindset right now, and he legitimately has too much going on. Besides Mount Whitney this week he heads back east for a wedding in New York of one of his frat brothers, he’s in the middle of pitching his internet cartoon to Fox and the Cartoon Network, he’s in the middle of finishing his script, trying to get his blog up and running and only has a few more weeks to do all this before the show he works on is back from Hiatus. That part I understand and knew we could work around!) but then he dropped the part that I can’t work around. He said that we both got way more attached than we thought we would, to which I pointed out yes but as you are admitting YOU ARE ATTACHED. Turns out whatever we have going on has scared him, and as happy as I am for a guy to finally admit that yes he cares but just is running scared from it, it still sucks. Because in the long run I am ending up alone while he figures out his life and most likely will move on completely healthy to his next girlfriend!

And I guess things should have ended that night. But seeing as he was still staying with me until Friday they didn’t. We went home, went to bed, cuddled a bit but that was it. And the next morning when he was off to work he once again woke me up like he always does for a kiss goodbye before he heads out the door. But from there I was just confused and hurt. Here is this GREAT guy who for once in my life things have just been easy with. There hasn’t been any drama. No fighting. No arguments. Everything has been too perfect in fact. Too easy. And turns out I wasn’t the only one who though that… He kept asking me what I wanted and why, but I wasn’t able to really give him an answer that night. Which is why we ended up on that constant loop of him saying that he can’t be in a relationship and that he felt like a douche… well that may be the case, but at the same time I know he’s right there but just too afraid to take the leap. I know part of the problem is that he’s still really screwed up about his ex… and I also know he’s still screwed up about his feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Now I don’t know what his past relationship was like with his ex or what his feelings for our friend really are, I know that both these girls seem to have him scared big time. And that makes him want to run very very fast for this. But at the same time I think we both are making a mistake to just walk away from this. Because this isn’t about our pasts, and yes I can admit I do have my past baggage. In the middle of our disagreement he joked that he couldn’t throw a rock without hitting one of my ex’s. I tried to point out that this isn’t about those past relationships though. This should be just about us. Which is still way simpler than any of that. Way simpler that it’s ever been for us in our pasts. It’s about the fact that he makes me laugh. He kept asking way, and that’s it. I fell for a guy who makes me laugh in a way that I had forgotten I could. At the same time I know he fell for a girl who can make him smile again. And not the grin, ha ha smile. But the big jack-o-lantern, dimples-inducing, sheepish wrinkle causing smile. It started out simple and uncomplicated…and I don’t see why it couldn’t continue that way. I know he’s thinking commitment, and relationships and heartache and drama. But what I kept trying to tell him was that I was always talking about just keeping that smile and laughter going. I wasn’t thinking long term let’s move in together, get married, raise our 3.5 kids and make each other miserable… It was more along the lines of I don’t know what my life has in store after today so let’s try something, let’s go hiking, get some surfing in, maybe a little ice cream sandwich at Diddy Reese, some sex occasionally… but just go back to taking it slow and actually get to know each other. Cuz maybe we would hate each other, or maybe we would grow bored, maybe we wouldn’t have any time or maybe all the time in the world… Sometimes things are hard. And yet sometimes they are really just easy. And it’s those easy things that are so rare and so few that it’s hard to let them just pass us by.

And it’s just been a few weeks. Very easy for both of us to walk away… yet somehow I don’t think it’s that easy for a guy who makes sure to give me a kiss goodbye before work every morning. A guy who brings me a drinks when I’m relaxing in the bath. A guy who hops into the bed at night after sex with his guitar to sing me to sleep. A guy who cleans my apartment as a surprise knowing I didn’t have time to before my friends come into town. A guy who remembers my favorite cheeses when I’m having a horrible day (and makes sure I eat enough so that I don’t “die”- his word, not mine). A guy who not only snuggles up against me at night but will kiss the back of my shoulder when he thinks I’m sleeping. And a guy who even on that next morning when I cuddled up against him did that little half moan of mmmmm at it… But then again maybe it’s just me that will have a hard time walking away from that guy…

Top 10 places to eat at in Los Angeles

2009-05-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

On hearing that Mr. Piranha has been living in Los Angeles for almost 4 years and still hasn’t tried more than a handful of restaurants I devised yet another top ten list to get him out of the Valley and into the belly of Los Angeles. Or should I say get Los Angeles into his Belly. Here’s the list. My pick for top 10 restaurants in Los Angeles…. In no particular order.

1) Benitos Tacos.
The closest that you can get to Humbertos in Los Angeles, with 3 convenient locations (at least to my apartment that is) that stay open late so you can get a burrito or rolled tacos when heading home from the bars…or on those Sunday mornings when there isn’t much else open. Prices comparable to the best of the “taco shops”. This is not tex-mex but good old Southern California version of Mexican. Don’t expect margaritas or table cloths at this place. This is basically a taco truck indoors, and equally as good.
http://benitos.com/

2) Cha Cha Chicken.
Right next to the beach, this place looks, feels, sounds and will have you believing that you really are sitting right off a Caribbean beach drinking a mai tai (minus the mai tai and the incredibly blue crystal clear water!). The food is amazing, and I would recommend the Cha Cha Jerk Chicken (of course) but extra spicy is the best ! In fact you will probably want to get a container of their sauce to go, it last for about a month in the fridge and you can make your own jerk chicken. Though their dirty beans and rice are also orgasm worthy… best part of it, is the short hop to the beach making it a perfect Saturday destination. Though it’s a little pricier than what you would expect from a beach shack, its worth every little cent! http://www.chachachicken.com/ 1906 Ocean Ave., Santa Monica Ca. 90405

3) Big Mikes.
If you are looking for the best Philly Cheese Steak outside of Philly than this is the place for you. Located right off the strip in Hermosa it’s perfect to fill you up after a day of volleyball and sun. This possibly will have one of the best sandwiches that you’ve ever had in your life!!!! Big Mike’s is so down low that it doesn’t even have a website, yet the line is always around the block!
1314 Hermosa Ave., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254

4) Primitivo Wine Bistro
The one is the BEST place in Los Angeles. It also has the prices to back that up. Not for an everyday destination, but for special occasions it’s the perfect place to celebrate with wine and tapas. Their cheese plate is the best (it’s now only on the desert menu but you can order it as part of your meal too), the second best is their steak frites and fries (the sauce you will want to lick off the plate it’s so good), and the third is their tiramisu (though they also have this amazing rum ice cream that I’ve only tasted better actually in Jamaica with our private chef).
http://www.primitivowinebistro.com/ 1025 Abbot Kinney Blvd., Venice, CA 90291

5) Brazilian Exotic Foods
This is the mom and pop shop, without the pop. It’s a pretty much female run business and will make you feel like you are sitting down to eat with your grandma cooking, this is if you grandma was a little Brazilian lady. There is no set menu, and it changes every day. Try their version of Papricosh Chicken (it will be this cream chicken thing that will look disgusting and is just a little paradise in your mouth).
http://brazilianexoticfoods.com/ 3300 Overland Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90034

6) Diddy Riese.
You can’t go wrong with 1.50 ice cream sandwiches. You pick your choice of fresh baked cookie and then your choice of ice cream. My personal favorite is M&M Cookie with Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. This place is actually perfect on the hot Santa Anna nights when you can’t sleep and nothing you do can cool you off…
http://diddyriese.com/home.php 926 Broxton Avenue, Westwood, CA 90024

7)Paradise Cove
Definitely over priced for the food but the ambience is worth every penny, though I have to say their spicy grilled chicken sandwich (order it with avocado added onto it) and amazing curly fries make it a perfect brunch place. But really the reason you go is for your mimosas that you can drink with your feet literally in the sand (though their strawberry mojitos are also worth it!). Now this one is perfect after an early morning hike in Coral Canyon!
http://www.paradisecovemalibu.com/ 28128 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA 90265

8)The Counter.
Best burger in the city… though really it’s the burger bowl that I go for. This is a build your own which has high class choice of toppings. My fav is the burger bowl with feta cheese, avocado and the best honey mustard dressing. And you can’t eat a burger without their sweet potato fries!
A party in your mouth!!!!
http://www.thecounterburger.com/

9)Fords Filling Station.
Comfort food with a high class twist. Though I think any place that you can choose what kinds of meat and what kinds of cheeses you want on your platter is AOK in my book! But even better than the cheese and meat plate is the bacon wrapped Brussels sprouts. Your mouth will be watering even weeks later!
http://www.fordsfillingstation.net/ 9531 Culver Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90232

10)C&O Tratorria
Two locations right next to each other in Venice, it’s the best Italian place in town. Though what I like even better than the food, better than the wine, better than the garlic knots is the fact that they hand out lyrics so everyone can sing along on busy nights! You can’t go wrong with a good ole sing along.
http://www.cotrattoria.com/ 31 Washington Boulevard, Marina Del Rey, CA 90292

Now the problem with putting together the 10 best places is that you can’t narrow it down to just 10… so here are the runner ups.

Tie for Runner Up in best Mexican Category:
-Titos Tacos- You have to get the tacos here, they are simple, greasy, cheap and with tons of cheese!
http://www.titostacos.com/ 11222 Washington Place, Culver city, CA 90230
-Chipotle- build your own burrito! The only chain restaurant on the list but so worth it. Only didn’t make the top because it’s a bit pricier than the other taco stands. But that’s what you get when you are owned by the McDonald’s Corporation.
http://www.chipotle.com/#/land

Tie Runner Up for best Sandwich:
-Bay Cities Deli. What looks like the normal sandwich shop is really one of the yummiest places in the city. Tons and tons of meat, heapings of cheese, two great pieces of bread and all the condiments you want!
http://baycitiesitaliandeli.com/ 1517 Lincoln Blvd., Santa Monica, CA 90401
-Portos Bakery- now most people go there for their Cuban style sandwiches. I go there for their Potato Balls. Meaty goodness mixed with velvety mashed potatoes fried up to golden perfection. Best thing in the world!!!
http://www.portosbakery.com/

Runner Up for best view:
-Moon Shadows. This place is unbelievable over priced, but the view is amazing. My favorite time is to go it later at night on really storm nights. The place is practically empty, and you look out on the ocean watching the rain and the crazy waves. Add to that a glass of wine and once again a good cheese plate (yea I know there is probably a theme to this!)
http://www.moonshadowsmalibu.com/ 20356 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, Ca 90265

Runner up for best comfort food:
-Baby Blues- Unreal Southern BBQ food with once again another sauce you would lick! This place is a little more than a counter with a few tables, which is why there is always a line and a short wait. But it’s beyond worth it.
http://www.babybluesvenice.com/#/home 444 Lincoln blvd, Venice, CA 90291

Runner up for best burger:
-Ricks on Main. Tuesday and Wednesday’s are Burger Madness. For 6 dollars you get a huge burger and huge bucket of fries (now mind you it use to be 5 dollars for burger, fries and a beer but hey we’ve all been hit by the economy.)
2907 Main Street, Santa Monica, CA, 90405

Runner up for best date place:
-World Café. Best Hummus in the city- with a platter of veggies and bread. Also an amazing spicy chicken penne. But the reason to go is to sit outside enjoying the weather with all the twinkly Christmas lights and enjoying a nice bottle of wine.
http://worldcafela.com/ 2820 Main St , Santa Monica, CA 90405

Runner up for best desert:
-Nickel dinner- since you love bacon on everything they actually have a bacon DONUT!
http://5cdiner.com/ 524 S. Main St. , Los Angeles CA 90013

Tie for Runner up for best Brunch:
-Rose Cafe- Not only amazing amazing mimosas but you can get croissants with brie.
http://www.rosecafe.com/ 220 Rose Ave., Venice, CA
-Ponchos- Mexican brunch with bottomless free champagne and mimosas!
http://www.panchosrestaurant.com/ 3615 Highland Avenue, Manhattan Beach CA. 90266

Quote of Fools...

2009-05-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

From the dismantled quotes page from the last two months of crazy Havasu Quotes:

"Every ship of fools needs a captain"9:37 AM May 22nd from web

"I have to go outside and see if I can bum a cig off one of these townies"8:29 AM May 22nd from web

"I don't want to be known as the Paris Hilton of Havasu" "Paris hasn't organized a thing in her life. You're the grand poo-bah!"7:04 PM May 21st from web

'You've made a couple quotes this week" "Yea I've been pretty funny"6:18 PM May 21st from web

as I misheard our SFX MU artist say: "I've got 4 fingers IN it"3:16 PM May 21st from web

Our non-spanish speaking PA trying to get across she doesn't speak spanish: "No hablo ENGLISH"11:38 AM May 21st from web

"I hear you are the grand pooh-bah of inebriation, I seek initiation..."7:56 AM May 21st from web

"Well unlike some people I LIKE the earth"3:20 PM May 20th from web

"For all my pimps and Hoes"1:08 PM May 20th from web

"The bitch is bitching that she needs a bitch to bitch slap!"11:18 AM May 20th from web

Firefighter enters: "I'm here for kathy" Cracker-Jack: "If he starts playing music and whips his clothes off..."2:56 PM May 19th from web

"There's no crying in Accounting"2:50 PM May 19th from web

"Hold on one sex".... new greeting at the production office today.12:40 PM May 19th from web

Callsheet Mistake on new crew member: "Matt KUNTner"... opps!6:24 PM May 18th from web

"With love and Chocolate balls"4:07 PM May 18th from web

"I know I pulled a scorpion and a gila monster out of my butt, but no I don't have an overhead projector there too"3:47 PM May 18th from web

"You thought this show was crazy? I show you crazy."4:29 PM May 16th from web

"Let's put some rhinestones on this bitch and call it a day."1:54 PM May 15th from web

"Don't ask me, I'm a walking HR violation."1:54 PM May 15th from web

"I don't make the mail, I just deliver it bitch."6:58 PM May 14th from web

"What, you don't like sweet tits?"11:32 AM May 8th from web

"All nude. All the time"11:30 AM May 8th from web

"Oh, God. I deleted 3 of your emails already this morning."11:07 AM May 8th from web

"I'm use to fat, bald and harry"5:32 PM May 7th from web

"There are other options... something illegal shouldn't be one of them!"4:38 PM May 7th from web

"You're the best that we've got?That's it?"4:26 PM May 7th from web

"I'm not mad at you!" "Oh you're about to be"4:25 PM May 7th from web

"There has to be an adult making this movie!"4:20 PM May 7th from web

"Monsters May Work Monday.... Monsters and Aliens that's all we've got here!"8:41 PM May 6th from web

"That's poppycock I say!"9:46 AM May 4th from web

"Maybe we should just stop the movie and save money"8:37 PM May 1st from web

"If she wants to fuck with me, she's fucking with the wrong guy"7:07 PM May 1st from web

"Oh I'm ok...You can keep your Cherry Juice"6:40 PM May 1st from web

"I do make mistakes... I just make them a lot less than most people"6:22 PM May 1st from web

"First the blind guy and now drunk Santa. WTF?!"5:53 PM May 1st from web

"We need to have a Blood Meeting"5:26 PM May 1st from web

"DON'T FUCK TO ME. You can give me back my 5,000 dollars and go back to Pacoma, Yuma, Yoda wherever you came from"5:25 PM May 1st from web

"I have been rapped and pillaged, Sir."4:09 PM Apr 30th from web

"When you drink the cool aide long enough that's how you see it"1:20 PM Apr 30th from web

" it must be freaky thursday! You might get laid!"9:28 AM Apr 30th from web

"So I hear you hired **** as your Stunt Coordinator" "Yes" "Well tell your Line Producer *** that he really fucked up" CLICK.7:14 PM Apr 29th from web

"Did you know they are filming a fucking movie or something over here!"4:07 PM Apr 29th from web

"Irish Chicks are good" (pause) "I'm just saying" (pause) "been there..."2:25 PM Apr 29th from web

"Oh I found my penis for tonight"9:43 AM Apr 29th from web

"Own the zone"2:15 PM Apr 28th from web

"I'm gonna mice your ass"12:30 PM Apr 28th from web

"Good Morning fuckers... We're in Vegas!!!"10:42 AM Apr 28th from web

"Is my cooche a magnet for Pineapple of what?!"8:59 PM Apr 27th from web

"It's M-Dollar everybody hollar"5:51 PM Apr 27th from web

"Good Afternoon happy white people"5:05 PM Apr 27th from web

to our Marine Coordinator who is the stomache flu: "Don't worry we are taping a new season of Biggest Loser next"3:40 PM Apr 27th from web

"I have the displeasure of remembering most everything that happens in my life."12:50 PM Apr 27th from web

"Well at least someone wants to rent your box"11:50 AM Apr 27th from web

"Cooper Canyon. You could fuck a pony and as long as no one complains you are ok"11:10 AM Apr 27th from web

"My neck is sore from the gay club"9:18 AM Apr 27th from web

"No shoes...No shirt...FULL service"3:24 PM Apr 24th from web

"Oh where are the drugs" "Well I know where my drugs are" "No I mean mine, you know when you pack and you forget where you put things" "12:43 PM Apr 24th from web

"Remind me not to whip my penis out"9:20 PM Apr 23rd from web

"I had water shoot up my ass... I literally just got raped by Lake Havasu"7:22 PM Apr 23rd from web

They are all damn carpet bagers... these boat owners"7:19 PM Apr 23rd from web

"You don't want to piss off the cruise director"3:41 PM Apr 23rd from web

"He's a red shoe'd kid"4:47 PM Apr 20th from web

"I'd be like- What up my Niggs"3:24 PM Apr 17th from web

"Find a typewriter, find a computer, find something. I won't sign something written in Krayon."10:04 AM Apr 17th from web

"I just love how you say my name....you can say it however you want"2:28 PM Apr 16th from web

"OMG Wikepedia is right, this is the stupidest city in the United States"6:58 PM Apr 15th from web

"More white people... they are coming out of every hole"6:57 PM Apr 15th from web

"I've resurrected businesses here single-handedly. And you know, this is going to be their biggest year in a decade."3:50 PM Apr 14th from web

"The only thing I have in common with Chubby Checker is we both want to see how low you can go."3:29 PM Apr 14th from web

"Kathy your system is inferior"8:15 PM Apr 13th from web

"Just another dumb bimbo"6:13 PM Apr 13th from web

"It's the girth not the length that counts"2:08 PM Apr 13th from web

"No girl looks classy in Pasties..."1:03 PM Apr 13th from web

"Fire in the hole..."12:52 PM Apr 13th from web

"A day without Joe is like a day without the sun."3:27 PM Apr 9th from web

"Find out what we can do with Bass. We don't need to kill them, we just need to be able to hook them"10:39 AM Apr 9th from web

"People ask me what my job is and I say, 'Making the impossible . . . possible.' "6:04 PM Apr 8th from web

"I tell them that when we leave this town the only thing we're leaving behind is money."6:03 PM Apr 8th from web

: "Google me why don't you"6:00 PM Apr 8th from web

The case of the right boy finally...but maybe at the wrong time.

2009-05-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

First I need to apologize for almost a month of not writing. Things have been insanely crazy here, and I will wrap them all up into a neat bow later but I figured you would be more interested in the new Mr. in my life… Mr. Piranha. A couple of weeks ago one of my favorite people in the world came to visit and with her she brought Mr. Piranha. Now Mr. P and I have known each other for awhile, we have mutual really good friends but for whatever reason we’ve only met maybe twice. Know all about each other, have been facebook friends for awhile, but haven’t hung out much. When she said she was bringing him up, I thought great Mr. P is a lot of fun. I have never had any romantic interest in him before, for one he is exactly my height and you may recall that I have a borderline obsession with very high very expensive heels, so on most days I would be taller than him. He’s also what many would call a nice guy, and we know I don’t date those. So looking for no romance at all we set out to have a fun weekend. Turns out we got along great and I did find out the one thing that I hadn’t noticed in him before- the most amazingly ripped body. Ex-marine, currently on hiatus from his job as a writers assistant on a hit comedy as well as training to climb Mount Whitney has left him in perfect shape… but even with that amazing body I still didn’t have much romantic interest (mind you I did do my share of drooling though!). But after a weekend of drinking and flirtation we had a moment when I thought, wait what’s going on. But brushed it off as they left a few days later… and that’s where the story should have ended. But of course, it didn’t! We needed another production assistant for a couple of weeks, and knowing he was out of work until his show was back shooting I invited him out here. The first night he was here I knew I was in trouble, the second night most definitely was in trouble after he kissed me out of the blue, and after the third night I was no longer in trouble but had Mr. Piranha in my bed.

Now we’ve spent the last 2 weeks inseparable. Working crazy 13 hour days together, coming home to amazing sex, partying with friends of mine that were in town and basically just not being able to get enough of each other… and things for once were running very smoothly. No drama. No craziness. Nothing but fun… until Friday happened. Now there were some events leading up to Friday but found out at the end of the day that my job was being made obsolete. So here I was after 3 months in Havasu suddenly without a job. And this fun thing that I had going with Mr. Piranha was all of a sudden made much bigger. He had been planning a weekend out here soon (he’s leaving this weekend to go back to work) and it was nice to think of maybe something happening when I get back to LA in a couple months. But then all of a sudden it wasn’t in a few months it was oh wait looks like I’m coming back with you now too!!! And of course he had a little freak out on Sunday. His words. And he seems to be back to his amazing self. Even cooked me the most amazing dinner on Monday to make up for it. He really is a fantastic guy. We get along great, he makes me laugh, we actually have a lot in common, have so much fun together. And if we met in Los Angeles I would say here is the happy ever after…but the fact of the matter is that although we originally met in LA, we didn’t really meet until Havasu. And sadly I’m afraid that when we go back the magic that we’ve had surrounding us these last couple of weeks will become just that, magic and disappear into the lake. I really hope not, and for now I’m just taking it one day at a time…

Diva..what?!

2009-05-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve worked with every level star from minor starting to out to AAA Stars such as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez. And I’ve dealt with odd food request (I even had to ship out certain pickles and diet red bull to the Bahamas every week). But I have to say I got a food request that made me pause. It was from one of our producers who although has two assistants with him has decided it’s the productions responsibility to make sure he has all the food he wants in his hotel room.

Here is his list of what has to be in his room prior to his arrival:

Bottled Water (lot's of it)
Balance Bars (Chocolate only)
Vitamin Water (XXX flavor only)
English Breakfast Tea (any brand)
Yellow Splenda packets
Apples
Bananas
Grape Fruit
Carr's table table crackers
Cheddar cheese (mild)
Grape Juice (regular, not white)
Dark Chocolate

Now if we were shooting in Los Angeles with an unlimited budget I wouldn’t think this was as odd. But we are in Lake Havasu. On a film that is already millions over budget. That is trying to cut costs at every turn. I have a production office that is run ragged, that is one person short, and have been left with a week where I can barely breathe with all the craziness. And XXX Vitamin water, really?!

Be careful what you click for

2009-04-28T15:32:00.001-07:00

Mr. FB's new tattoo.

All day yesterday I was getting picture messages from Mr. FB with his new tattoo… now I have my own opinion of it, one that I’ve really tried to hide from him but I will let you decide that one for yourself. But needless to say I was done looking at the tattoo. So when I got a new im I just clicked the accept image and went about my business. For about 5 minutes I chatted with a co-worker, answered my phone, made notes and just fiddled at my desk…until I finally looked at my computer but instead of it being a tat it was a picture of him. And the first thing that I noticed was that it was smiling at me and moving. And then it started waving. And then I noticed the kicker- there was a little picture of me in the corner also moving. Without realizing it I had accepted a video conference! I just froze, waved at him and then shut the window… now if I had a little preparation I would have been fine with a video conference, in fact it was really great to see him and we did have another one that night that was nice (though was really hard to say goodbye!) but I was not prepared for Mr. FB to see me especially when I rolled into work that morning beyond hung-over from Vegas, with my glasses on, no makeup and my hair not even brushed! So the moral of the story is this- be careful what you click for because you never know who may end up on your screen.

Worst Dressed in Vegas...

2009-04-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend we all headed to Vegas... too much crazy to write about in one blog (and am way to exhausted to rehash it right now). But what I did spend my Saturday afternoon doing was drinking by the pool and trying to spot the tackiest guy in Vegas. So let the voting begin. Here are my top choices from the Venetian Pool!

Candidate #1

70's Porn Guy

From the Side View
And from the back... best part was his black undies but you can't see those in the pic to well!

Candidate #2:
Hairy Guy A

Candidate #3:
Hot Chick with Douche Bag

My Submission for: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

Candidates #3 & 4
Douche with Douche
Close up...

And with Guitar Hero Guitar...and yes those shirts to say Party with Sluts!

Candidate #5

Midwestern Tourist

Candidate #6:
Douche in Robe

Candidate #7:

Waxing... FAIL!
This one actually was my pick! With crack and everything!!!

“I’m not a princess this ain't a fairy tale…”

2009-04-20T14:50:00.001-07:00

Slowly I’m starting to realize that some people just aren’t worth the effort and the pain… though the hard thing is to know who is worth it. This month is a big one for me. Its one year today that I broke up with Mr. Naked Bartender. Saturday will be the one year anniversary of him posting me naked on craigslist… and the following Sunday will be the one year since I first met Mr. Green. I’ve been looking back on all the changes in my life this last year, how far I’ve come, how many times I’ve fallen… I still have so many questions for Mr. NakedBartender that I will never get answered. I still love Mr. Green so much it hurts, and seeing how happy he is with his new girlfriend only makes it worse. Worse to know that it’s not me that he will be sweeping off his feet, but also to know I wasn’t the one who swept him off his. To know that I was not good enough, and will never be good enough for him. And yes I have checked out his FB profile and looked at their pictures from their road trip… some days like today it feels like nothing in a year has change. That I’m still that same girl. Still that hurt by these boys. Still occasionally cry in the shower (yes I did that this morning, yet again!). No matter how many steps I take forward it always seems like I’m stumbling back. I wonder if this hurt will ever go away… if I will ever be over Mr. Green. If I will be able to have that elusive magical relationship that has alluded me. If I will ever meet that guy that will love me as much as I love him… Yes I still talk to Mr. FB every day, I know it’s bad for me. And I know that I was supposed to cut all my ties when I left LA. But it’s hard to…and I know how toxic he is for me, I mean the boy couldn’t even make time to see me on my last week in LA even though we had been dating for 2 months! And yes he canceled on coming out here to see me a couple of weeks ago… but some days it’s just nice to know that I’m wanted… even if I know that it’s not real.

Sleepless in Havasu

2009-04-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

After returning from an amazing weekend with the girls in Vegas (decadent weekend including drinks, shopping, boys and fun!) I found that I not only was sick but worn down and exhausted… Sunday night I managed to pass out around 7 to only wake up at 8 so sick but ready for work. Though turns out work wasn’t ready for me, I was sent home at lunch for rest up…which was great. I got some sleep, caught up on some reading and was passed out by 9. Only to be woken up once again at midnight by the pitter patter of little furry feet. This damn mouse was back again! Now only were the humane traps useless, he managed to eat his way out of two of them! We set more traps today (now the non-humane death traps) and instead of getting caught the little sucker is playing with us, he moved them into the middle of the room without setting them off! It’s insane the ability of this mouse… so far we’ve found he loves my room and my shoe closet. Doesn’t go near my roommate’s room. And will only venture into the living room or kitchen if chased, but then crawls back to my room minutes later. No amount of duct tape will keep him out. Tonight we have more traps, after a visit from the exterminator who told us that yes it’s just the one mouse we have a battle plan. Armed with traps, 2 cats, a water gun, oranges and snickers we are bound to catch this mouse tonight! If not I’m going to pack a bag and let him take over the room!

April Fools Squeek

2009-04-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Roomies cruel little practically joke on me that I found when I stumbled into bed last night after beer pong...

Life with Mickey!

2009-04-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sunday night I cuddled up into bed in the new condo, exhausted from a fantastic weekend with Mr. Green’s Former Roommate and ready to finally have my bed to myself and get some much needed sleep. And after an evening in the hot tub with my new Mr. Roomie I was able to fall into a deep sleep… only to be woken up a couple hours later with a whooshing noise. Sounded like something was outside playing on the trees outside my window. Now at the point I think I should have looked out the window and realized that I didn’t have any trees. In fact I have a field on one side and Lake Havasu on the other, so there is nothing but dirt and water around me. At about 4 I hear jumping, and I thought oh it must be the squirrels playing. Was mildly annoyed as they played all night and at one point it even sounded like they were right in the room with me… until 6am when I turned over on bed and looked straight into the eyes of the field mouse that was cuddling on my pillow with me! Yes you read that right a mouse got in from the field and was not only on my bed but was trying to snuggle down with me. I screamed like a girl and ran straight into Mr. Roomies room to come and get it. Luckily we found out real quickly Mickey doesn’t like Mr. Roomie so it ran straight into the kitchen and hid under the fridge… about a half hour later when I realize we were not going to be able to coax him out, I set off for the gym with dreams of him just wondering out the doors we left open for him!

Sadly that was not the case. When we got home on Monday night we searched and searched but couldn’t locate him, until about midnight when we started hearing him clawing at the doors to get out…to which he started to play on my binds trying to get out my sliding glass door. As you can imagine I didn’t get any sleep. I layed in bed with my light on cowering just trying to catch the little sucker. Around 4 he once again trying to cuddle in bed with me… and once again I ran down the hall and woke up Mr. Roomie. Same story- Mickey saw Roomie and ran under the fridge DAMN, lost him again!!!!

The house is now set with humane traps, but I think we were able to chase him out of the apartment last night finally. I barricaded myself in my room (after Roomie checked under the bed and in the closets to make sure Mickey wasn’t hiding somewhere) and was able to get a bit of sleep. Not much though because I still slept with the lights on and woke up every 10 min when I heard any noise! Tonight I’m going to attempt to sleep with the lights off… wish me luck!

3 cops, Piranha Shots, A Multi-Million Dollar Houseboat and whole hell of a lot of sun!

2009-03-31T13:32:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was insanely crazy…too much to go into details with so I thought I’d share a pictorial view of the weekend. Though to sum up what’s NOT in the picture here is a rundown of the weekend- Another Friday night at Kokomos and Martini bay that resulted in shots with our director, an invited on the houseboat for Saturday, more bull rides, taste testing new Piranha Shots, cops being called to the hot tub for what the neighbors thought was a domestic disturbance call (it was just us laughing at 2 am!), Jet Skiing on the lake, many meals, laughter, shots, sun, sand and fun. And now for the pictures!!!

The start of my Journey... and the first of my 3 boats I hopped on for the day! Enjoying my ride down the channel on the way to Cooper to meet up with the crew and the boats!
The camera boat. Yea the crew has it really hard and get Camera Boats instead of a dark camera truck. With Video Village under the awning. We were only shooting b unit for the opening credits but still had about 10 boats out there between basecamp, transpo, and crew boats.

The crew setting up for a shoot on top of the canyon. Yes some people had to work, just not me! They even had to climb up the top of the mountain with all their gear, while we watched from the boat and getting some sun.

The boys enjoying the boobs in the Canyon. You can see some of the dumb ass kids diving off the rocks in the background!

Crazy kids at Cooper Canyon. Look closely and you can probably see all the girls in Pasties. Let me tell you no one looks good in pasties!

More of the Cooper Canyon Party

The House Boat... yea it's a rough life I have! It was supposed to be used for basecamp but seeing as the crew was stuck in the canyon for the day it was just the four of us stowaways enjoying the sun!

Grill Saturdays!

Perfect View!

One of the 4 bedrooms!

View from the master bedroom

Living Room complete with flat screen TV... and Amanda and Matt enjoying it

Kitchen and Living Room

Hot tub on the top

Yes it even has a slide! Mr. Green's Former Roomate was the only one brave enough to get in the cold water without a wetsuit

Matt Double Fisting it at The Naked Turtle! We were exhusted but happy with out Bucket of drinks... YAY for the turtle! This time we went with the Pink Lemonade... taste like lemonade but hits you like a long island, especially after a day in the sun.

Sunday Funday!

2009-03-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

When I left off I was just about to take my nap on my Sunday Funday… well the nap never happened. One of the PA’s and his buddy that was in town for the week knocked on the door and invited me to come and play in the sun… with Alcohol of course! We started off the afternoon at The Naked Turtle, I think this place may soon become my new cheers. Now the food itself was not that great, but the drinks are fantastic. And the atmosphere is what kills. We sat with our feet in the sand and drank our bucket drinks, yes you can order drinks from a BUCKET. After that we headed over to Heat another bar right on the water where they specialize in 2 dollar Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s. The best part of Heat is that not only does it have the water view but you can lay out in lounge chair and sleep. And yes that is what all 3 of us did. After bucket drinks and 3 rounds of mimosas and Bloody Mary's we passed out for a good hour! Once we woke up we decided to it was time to shower (and nap indoors). After our naps we were off to one of the local bars- Mad Dogs where their special is half price food on Sundays! Though I have to say by that time I was pretty exhausted, so I opted out of the movie and went home to pass out. All in all I have to say it was a pretty fantastic weekend. I may have been exhausted Monday morning but I was sporting a nice new tan and a smile!

Hardt, the Puma

2009-03-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

I don’t know where to start on my weekend… so I guess I will start at the beginning- Friday.

Friday Night- After a very exciting first week of work I decided some steam needed to be blown off with the new co-workers. After work we stumbled down to the hotel bar for some drinks. Or at least that was the plan. Instead we ended up with shot after shot after shot at Martini Bay and then headed over to Kokomos (the spring break crazy club at the resort) and managed some more shots and a few rides on the bull. And yes I rode the bull. And yes I was so sore yesterday from it, complete with bruises and marks. Once the room started to spin it was time for some much needed food in my belly (Jack In the Box of course!) and bed. All in all a fun night, a bit crazy but a great way to bond with the co-workers.

Testosterone Saturday-Now I started the day off with a raging hangover but luckily was able to rev it up enough for a ride on the jet skis… which was amazing. There is something completely freeing being out there on the lake, wind in my hair and just going as fast as possible over all the bumps and waves. And yes I did get even sorer after that ride but it was so worth it. Not only did I have a blast doing it, it felt good to know that I was able to keep up with 3 23 year old boys out there! After the jet skis we went for a short dip in the pool (with beers of course) and then headed out on the Pontoon boat for the rest of the afternoon. 4 hours later I think I have finally seen all of Lake Havasu, and I have to say it’s spectacular!!! We docked in Cooper Canyon for awhile. And if you’ve never been it’s something that’s impossible to describe. All the boats tie up to each other and join in on the party boats with the dj’s and it’s just a big drunk spring break mess. Everyone is just dancing in their bathing suits, though with a lot of the girls that suit was just PASTIES. Yes it seems outside of the stripper world girls do wear those out, and in Lake Havasu it seems to be completely normal that all the girls are just wearing pasties. The other appeal of Cooper Canyon is the cliff jumping. You climb up the cliffs by a tow rope, get to the highest point and just jump. It was summed up perfectly by one of the guys I was with: “Water just shot up my ass. I literally was raped by Lake Havasu”. After mooring there for a bit we headed over to the Naked Turtle where I found the best bar in Havasu. It’s this Tiki bar out on the island, complete with rum drinks and Jimmy Buffet!

After the Naked Turtle it was home to the hotel to get changed before my night out with the boys. And by boys I mean it was me and 6 boys for the night. Yes my odds were good! We started back at the Naked Turtle but then quickly progressed to Midget Wrestling. Yes you read that right, we went to midget wrestling. And it wasn’t like I thought, little Midgets wrestling each other. Instead it was some crazy jackass style fighting. Complete with a midget drinking his own pee, one showing how he can do doggie style like the best of them (standing up!). stapling dollar bills to each other’s heads and tongues (complete with Midget Blood) and then fighting with props (sledgehammer, trash can, chairs). All in all it was the most extreme and most disgusting thing I have seen in a really long time! Seriously not what I expected and something that I hope to NEVER see again. Luckily they were offering PBR’s pint size for only 3 dollars, though I have to say I didn’t have enough to actual be able to stand Midget Wrestling. After that we all were a little off, so we headed back over the bridge to Kokomos where I partied with the 23 year olds until 2 (complete with another bull ride), did a little hot tubing until 3 and then it was off to bed. All in all a great weekend and am exhausted. Nap time for poor little Hardt…

Luck O the Irish!

2009-03-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

My St. Paddy's Day Green Martini

Drunken Idiots quote of the day:

“Come on over I’m gonna show everyone my titties”

Day 2 of work is going just as good as day 1… things did get crazy in the office today. I’ve been working non-stop all day, with phones ringing off the hook, emails being zing and zinged back and forth, insurance certs to be issues, vendor lists to get finalized and don’t get me started on the phone issues! But it felt great to be back into the thick of it, so busy I didn’t have a moment to think about anything. This is exactly what I’ve needed in my life. Something to keep my mind off boys, and troubles and boys…

Though it hasn’t been all work- lunch was spent laying in the pool with cute U of A boys offering me shots out of a water gun. And it was hard to turn down the drinks let me tell you. So really the hardest part of the job is the fact that after my lunch breaks in the pool or down at the lake I have to come back up to the office, change out of my bikini and actually do some work 

I thought I would be here lonely and missing everyone back in LA… instead I’ve been too busy to think about anything. My days have been spent at work, my nights have been spent in the bars getting to know my co-workers and the bartenders down at the bar (a future Mr. Lake Havasu is in that bunch!). My weekend is already booked up with 2 different sets of boys. With plans for jet skiing, drinking and a trip out to the Sand Bar… gonna be a fun hot weekend in Havasu!!!!

I have so many details to tell but I’ve been swamped at work and by the time I get home I’m exhausted and usually just pass out! Hopefully time to write tonight after the gym…

Sending my love from the lake!
Hardt

Sitting on the dock of the bay

2009-03-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

View of my new office!

I’m sitting out overlooking the lake, glass of wine in hand staring up at the millions of stars… and just thinking about the last couple of days. It’s been exhausting, exhilarating, wonderful and scary all at the same time. I went on a 2 day whirl wind goodbye session with all of my friends over the weekend (including a very tearful goodbye from Mr. Wyoming that was neither expected nor something I would have every imagined). And left for Arizona feeling a bit scared a bit excited and just ready for the next adventure in my life. So far I’ve been reverse bungee jumping, spent an afternoon on the lake for a location scout, seen a naked sex doll (plus man y breasts and ass!) and many hours exploring my new town. Lunch was spent with my feet dangling in the lake and an ice cream cone in hand… I feel like I’m a kid again. Like everything I’ve ever wanted is right here at the tips of my fingers and that I could have anything I’ve ever wanted if I just asked… it’s a great feeling and the first time in a year where I could just let my breath out.

More details to come… but am fried at the moment.

Sending my love from the lake!
XXOO
Hardt

Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Hurt me 6 times...

2009-03-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

You would think that after all this time I would learn… I know that Mr. Green has the ability to hurt me still, which is why we stopped talking in the first place. And deleting has a facebook friend was a step in the right direction… but when I found out that he was upset that I had deleted him as a friend I stupidly sent him an IM. Now I know I shouldn’t’ have, but I’ve gotten very nostalgic while packing and I guess I just wanted to say hi… at first he was really mad. And even was like goodbye Hardt. But then he softened up a bit and we started talking. Everything seemed ok so I didn’t want to pres my luck and told him that I had to get back to packing but that if he finds himself in Havasu over the summer look me up. Which was my mistake. And so what followed could be deemed as my fault. I know I’m still in love with him. And I know he decided to choose his this new girl over me (the week before I was going down to see him!). So I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s so into he’s going on a road trip to Utah. But what did come as a shock and literally made my heart drop was when he suggested they come and visit me. My ex. Who I am still in love with. Who I can’t get through a day without thinking about. Without feeling broken. Without hurting. This same ex has suggested him and this new wonderful girlfriend come and visit me in Lake Havasu. I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was. How complete Douche-like. He has to know how hurt I was when I found out he was with someone else. We haven’t had one exchange of words since I found out about the girlfriend a month ago. He’s sent texts that went unanswered. And he sent im’s that went unanswered. But not one word has exchanged. And now he thinks that I would be ok with him visiting and flaunting this girl in front of me. You can guess that answer was fuck no. And I wish I could have said that I actually said those words to him. Instead I just told him that no that would be awkward. Signed off my computer and started sobbing… I know he always hurts me. And yet it doesn’t stop me from missing him so much that I do know what to do.

But what it does do is make me so happy that I’m leaving for Havasu. So happy to have a fresh start. Sure it will be strange having his brother and their former roommate up tomorrow night, both are coming up to attend the going away festivities. And I’m sure at one point I will really miss him. But luckily I will have my girls around me. Mr. Ex will be making an appearance (as well as an appearance in Havasu, more on that to come though!). Mr. My Harry will be making an appearance… So really I will be surrounded by the boys that do love me. And maybe all that love is much better than being around the one who just doesn’t love me enough, someone who is so unworthy all the love I have for him.

A single red tear...

2009-03-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

I’m excited to announce a fresh start for Hardt. Though sadly this fresh start will include fresh water instead of Salt Water. Over the weekend I was offered a job as the assistant production coordinator of a rather large horror film being shot in Havasu over the next 5 months, we shall call it Killer Fish- obviously not the real name but I would lose my fancy new job if I actually told you that! It’s very exciting for many reasons, it’s being made by a production company that I love, it’s a huge stunt show (and we all know how much I love me my stunt men) and most importantly it’s a way for me to get out of Los Angeles and try and get over these men in my life. I’m not running away exactly, just trying to have a fresh start and clear my head a bit. On hearing that I got the job my first impulse was to call Mr. Green. I don’t know when I’m going to stop thinking about him, god I hope it’s soon! But even now, after deleting him from my life and even deleting him from my facebook account I still thinking about him every day, and still even shed a tear of two on most days. I know, pathetic. But I’m trying to move on. I just hope putting even more distance between the two of us will do some good.

As for the other Mr.’s in my life it’s all the same tale…Mr. Uni apologized and apologized for coming between Mr. FB and I. And for once I stuck to my guns and told him that no we cannot be friends and even after all that he even had the audacity to ask for the link to the new blog. Let’s just say he got a HELL NO from me… Mr. FB himself has just turned into the same guy I always date. I don’t know why I ever thought he was a nice guy. When I told him I was leaving for 5 months and wanted to get drinks, his response was it’s possibly but I’m really booked this week. But the real shock of the ex’s came last night in the form of Mr. Wyoming. After sleeping together in December and us both realizing what a mistake that was (let’s just say we never had the best sex but that really was our worst…) I breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally out of my life for good. Well turns out I spoke to soon, and like always he tried to weasel his way back in. Luckily this time I was able to respond very simply- Sorry I’m really busy packing this week I’ll call you when I get back in 5 months.

So the men have all gone. Mr. Uni has finally stopped his frantic emailing. Mr. Wyoming didn’t like my sarcasm. Mr. FB doesn’t seem to mind that I’m gone. And as for Mr. Uni, he doesn’t even care… that being said it’s going to be great to get out of Los Angeles for some time. Because I’m just not finding what I want here… and I came home this afternoon to what I want, it just wasn’t for me. My roommates new boyfriend spent the entire afternoon cooking a romantic dinner, complete with a table set with red roses and candles… with all my failed romances and mismatched dates, the most pathetic thing is that at 29 I’ve never once walked into my apartment to any type of flowers for me. And with that I shed one last rose red tear…

Death by cuddle

2009-03-06T09:24:00.001-08:00

When Mr. Ex and I got together the second or maybe third time around we use to get into these little tiffs cuz I would make an excuse to sneak out before sunrise. I’d always leave about 6 and he never understood why I couldn’t just relax in bed with him for the morning. Part of it was that I was still pretty awkward at the morning after but part of it was I use to feel claustrophobic. He’s a full body snuggler and I would be practically smothered in my sleep. Luckily it’s something I outgrew and now I like nothing more than a great cuddle and to lay in bed all snuggly all morning. That being said I was shocked that at about 4 this morning I was wide awake and having practically a panic attack in Mr. FB’s bed. He too is a full body cuddler. In fact he even goes a step further and not only cuddles but nuzzles the back of my neck as I sleep. He’s also a human blanket and raises my temperature about 30 degrees when we sleep. But still we’ve been sleeping together on and off since January so it’s not like I wasn’t aware of any of this. But this morning for some reason it left me feeling very claustrophobic and wanting to run screaming from the bedroom. I didn’t. Instead I layed there for hours just thinking. Thinking about my life, and my loves and Mr. FB. And how did I get here. This girl who is once again afraid of intimacy. Now sex, that I’m not afraid of. That I love! But the intimacy of being held all night long, that petrifies me. I think it’s because I’m afraid of falling for someone again. I was 3 times burned last year and looking to not put my hand back in the fire again. And it’s not that Mr. FB and I don’t have a great time together. In fact when we are together everything is great. He talk, and laugh, and kid and I may even do a bit of gigging… But I know that as soon as I leave his bed that his mind goes somewhere else. And I think to someone else, but haven’t asked. Sure I wish we could go back in time to before Mr. Uni came between us. And before I wigged out on him. And before he closed himself off. But I can’t… and I think that last night laying there it just didn’t feel right anymore. This morning it passed and we giggled our way through him getting ready for work. He’s going to see Watchman with his office today since they did the marketing for it and he even did a little superhero run, complete with cape, to make me giggle. But sadly that giggle left me as soon as I step out that door… because even I know that this cannot last.

Misadventures of the Hardt.

2009-02-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting staring at the blank page and for the first time in 5 years I don’t know what to say. A new blog. A fresh slate. It feels exhilarating and yet petrifying at the same time. I’m afraid of making the same mistakes. Some will say I’ve already begun making them, yes I will admit I had sex with Mr. FB over the weekend. Some will say I’m destined to begin the cycle again with all of them. But this time I would like to think things will be different. Because I can’t go through this same hurt over and over again.

So here is the real story on the last couple of weeks…

I will start with the hardest- Mr. Green. I can finally admit it, I’m still in love with him. I don’t know why I can’t let go. All I can say is there is something different about him, something different about us. Though in the recent weeks I have found that I put him up on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. As has been mentioned in the blogs we stayed in touch. I told everyone it was because of him. But it was because of both of us. Me because I still cared so much. And him, well I will never know the real reason. I think he liked that I was still in love with him. I know he liked reading about himself in the blogs. He said he cared about me. But I don’t’ believe that to be true anymore. I let him weasel his way back in. First a text message, than an im, and then next thing I know we are chatting back and forth every day again. So much that we talked around us getting together, me coming down to San Diego. Now this is something that I told no one. Not even my closest friends. And that right there should have told me that something was wrong. But after once again another jealous trip on his part regarding me dating someone I somehow convinced myself that he really did care about me. And so I planned a trip down to San Diego. The day after I told him I was thinking of coming down I found out he has a girlfriend. And has had one for awhile now. So when he threw a fit about me dating Mr. FB, he was actually in the cabin in Big Bear that they rented together. When he was telling me how hard I was making him and asking me to send him pictures, he was actually getting ready to take her to a party and make her debut to his friends as his official girlfriend. To say I’ve been heartbroken is putting it mildly. I’ve been devastated. Since then I’ve found out that he’s already sick of her. Has already cheated on her. But haven’t spoken to him since I found out 3 weeks ago. He was up in LA over the weekend but I only got a lame text message from him late one night. He’s been checking the blogs to see if I’m going to write about it. But instead he just pushed me to do what I need to have done for awhile and that is to move the blogs.

Which leads me to the second chain of events. The reason behind the blogs. I’ve still been seeing MR. FB. Nothing major just a Friday or Saturday night here or there. Still talking a bit. And I was still clinging to the hopes that maybe he really is the nice guy that I’ve been looking for. And that we could finally get past the Mr. Uni part of our relationship. Turns out Mr. Uni had other plans. Now I don’t know why he did this but he forwarded on my blogs about Mr. FB to their mutual friends. Something that I will never forgive him for or will never understand. I did what needed to have been done awhile back. I have deleted Mr. Uni out of my life. In the past month since he found out about Mr. FB he has been obsessively checking the blog. And I don’t mean he’s doing it daily, I mean he’s doing it 10 times daily. Something that I was starting to find really creepy. So between the blog stalking and his using me as his punch line I am happy to now have him out of my life. It’s sad seeing as we have been friends for 15 years now. Sad to see someone who is a part of my childhood have to be deleted out. I don’t know what made him go a bit crazy. Mr. FB and their friends also have no idea what set him off. They agree that it’s just plain weird. And although it showed Mr. FB that he was loyal to the wrong person, it also proved that I do come with just too much baggage. And sadly he has enough of his own he can’t carry any more into a relationship. So yet again I’d like to say that we will probably see the end of Mr. FB… but I know I have no willpower. And despite being babysat by friends the last couple of days I’ve already managed to send him a text message (or two!).

But that is my trifecta that I alluded to before. You can see why I couldn’t go into the details. It was time to take my Hardt out of the situation. Time for a fresh start. I’d like to say this time will be different. That this time I’m going to stick to the plan. That I’m not going to go back to an ex. That I’m not going to jump headfirst into a relationship. But really no one will believe that. Though what has changed is that sadly I’ve realized that being open and honest is not the best way to go. And that’s a really hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve always prided myself on not playing games. By putting it out there. By just being honest about who I am. And one of the things that define me is my blogs. I also thought it was unfair to be writing about these guys and them not knowing about it. Turns out that the only person I was being unfair to was myself. So I’m sadly I’m going to start fresh with new readers and very little friends that know about this. Hardt is going back behind the curtain, maybe this will make me more honest in my blogs. Who knows. I know I’m not happy about this, but sadly this is the way it’s going to have to be.

All good things must come to an end.

2009-02-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

Sadly the time has come for a new chapter in Hardts life. And this chapter includes a new blog. These last few months have been tumultuous, to say the least. But at the same time they have been cathartic. I have for the first time in my life been able to put my emotions out there for the world to see. Turns out that might not have been the best idea. I started the blog to get over a boy. It was that simple. I had been humiliated and heartbroken and the only way I could deal with it was to deal it with laughter. Make it a joke. Make it a story. Make it a blog. And so the blog grew… being out of work helped me have lots of time to write. I traveled back and forth to San Diego. Time to think of new blogs. I traveled to Jamaica. Lots of things to write about in new blogs. I managed to fall in and out of love, get my heart broken (some might say trampled on), jumped from job to job and eventually land where I am today. Now I was never ashamed of the blog. Never really embarrassed. And at the same time I was truly honest with the people in my life. I always admitted that it was out there. Always told the men I dated that I had a blog… and although that has come full circle now I don’t regret it. What I do regret is that these men continued to read the blog. Continued to try and be a part of my life through it. Over the weekend I found out that one of these Mr.’s had decided to forward my blog on… which some may say well at least he’s getting you readers. But what he did was forward them on to friends (and even a client or two) of someone that I had been dating. Luckily this person was already informed of the blogs, so it didn’t come as a shock. The only shock was when he found out that now his clients are able to read about him on the internet. As you know I don’t use names. I don’t even use descriptions. So for someone to betray my trust and out not only me but to also out one of these guys in it is unbelievable to me. This is my life. Although it’s also a story. And it’s dramatized to make good reading. This is my life. It’s not a joke. Or a game to be played with. And I truly was just played. But instead of sitting here and playing into this I have decided to be through… I let the possibility of a good relationship slip through my fingers because of the drama in my life. And sadly this time it wasn’t my dramatics that did it. But none the less it did. I think it’s finally time to really let go and move past all of it. I’m not upset. I’m not bitter. I’m just ready to move on. On to living my life off the page…

Those of you that have been reading this blog over this last year. Thank You. If you would like to continue to hear about the exploits of my life shoot me an email and I will be happy to lead you towards where you can find out about my life. And cross your fingers that these misadventures will be coming to a book store near you soon!!!

To be continued with love…
Hardt.
Excentrichardt@yahoo.com

Why I fall

2009-02-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

People have been trying to dissect me lately. Talk sense into me. Trying and figure out why it is that I do what I do. Yell at me for mistakes I make. Judge based on certain actions. Though I think I may have reached the breaking point with being told all that is wrong about me. Granted I’m such an open book I will say it’s probably partly my fault. I blog. I update my facebook status every 30 seconds. I pick up the phone (or instant message) with every feeling I have. I talk and talk until my friends want to hurl things at me. But that’s just me. But when it comes to criticism it’s hard to take. So lately I’ve been just keeping a few things to myself. It started with a bit, and then a lot and then all of a sudden I’m starting to realize my book is closing. And that’s kind of sad. Last week when people found out about Mr. FB’s sudden change in tune, most of them were like oh well you weren’t that attached and you weren’t sleeping together… and all I thought was but I was attached and I was sleeping with him. I just was so tired of everyone judging my actions I thought I would just keep it to myself. I was sick of everyone placing bets as soon as I meet someone when it will end. How things will suddenly change. So I kind of kept the details to myself… so that now people are like how can you be a little blue about him… well here’s is how.

With Mr. FB I think part of it has less to do with him, as it is just what he represented. An actual nice guy. I can tell you the moment I fell for him, we were sitting at Q’s, I was a tad tipsy, date number 5 and still hadn’t kissed… and as I was looking at him he just laughed and said “I can see it in your face your are trying to hold back from kissing me. But Nicole it’s not going to happen at a bar. I’m not going to let our first kiss happen at just a bar. Because you can’t take back that first kiss”… and in that moment I just went, oh shit not again! But that’s what I fell for. I fell for that guy who as soon as he left the bar the first night we hung out sent me a blackberry message. Who sent me one as soon as I left every single night the following week. Who sent me one every morning just to say hi. Who would im me throughout the day, and answer my stupid top 5 questions with a laugh. Someone who wanted to hang out with me even though we weren’t having sex. Who wanted just me. Not my body (though now I have a little bit of an alcohol and laziness gut so I can’t blame him for that one!). Not for sex. But just for ME. I fell for someone who made me feel giggly. And I hadn’t been giggly for a long time, probably since Disneyland last summer. But I fell for the promise of what he seemed to be. I fell for someone who wouldn’t break my heart. Who complained that he often feel too quick too. Who wanted to hang out with me every day… that’s who I fell for. For the guy who was so excited for our Big Romantic Date that he planned it for 2 days. And knowing that I loved cheese picked a perfect place to go cheese and wine tasting. So excited that he went home from work exhausted and put music on and dance it out because he was worried that he would fall asleep as soon as he sat. That’s the guy I fell for. So it was just 3 weeks total… we had been talking for a couple months before that but I don’t’ count that. Just 3 weeks. But sometimes all it takes is a moment… some people say they fall for the moment they kiss someone, I can say I fell for the moment when I didn’t.

Karmic Cleaning!

2009-02-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

So today I got rid of some things from my past… part of my whole letting things go. And I have to say this one was hard… and did involve a few tears. Mainly because these are the memories that I choose to remember. Things I wanted to hold on to. It was the box of boyfriends past. The one that housed the pictures that were left. The movie ticket stubs. The plane ticket to Chicago. Letters sent. A champagne cork. A lone Disneyland ticket. A fortune gotten for 50 cents on the Santa Monica Pier. An Amtrack stub… all the good memories that when we were together I wanted to keep. And all the ones that were too hard to remember after things ended so they went into that box. Well today I pulled out the box and said goodbye to the ghosts of boyfriends past… It’s hard for me to remember the good times. Some days I can think of them and smile, some days I’m angry and some are just hard. Today it was hard because they were all there. Just staring at me. Taunting me. Saying remember me. Remember how much fun you had that night. Remember how hard you laughed. Remember how it felt to feel his skin against yours… just remember. Because you don’t have a box for the bad memories. Only the ones that made you fall in love with them in the first place. And the pictures of you two together. The ones you never look at. They aren’t on your facebook page. They aren’t in the frames around your room. They are hidden somewhere. Maybe on your computer. Maybe in that box. Someplace so you can’t look at them. Someplace where you won’t remember… and today I looked. Inside that box were those happy memories. The worst part was looking at me in them. Not the guys. But me. Because I not only remember how happy I was. But I can feel it just looking at me. Looking at that twinkle in my eye that is gone. In that smile that was just so bright that day… and the ones where you can see me watching him are the worst. They just kind of take my heart out and squeeze it just a bit… and so I took everything out of the box. I looked at it one more time. I held those memories. And then I threw them out… maybe by letting go of these moments I will be able to let go of these men in my past. Though right now I’m hoping to just not remember.

PS This not using another boy to get over the first kind of sucks! I know it’s going to be good for me in the end… but right now, SUCKS!

Somestimes it only takes a moment

2009-02-16T17:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it only takes a moment to remember… and all the memories come flooding back. This morning it happened unexpectedly. I came off a great week and a really fun night with my girls and Mr. My Harry. And after shots, jager bombs and pitchers of beer I was able to really toast out the stress of last week and really just breathe again. I was starting to feel human again this week. Really the first time I’ve felt like this in months. Just felt like the old Hardt again. Something about just letting go that really just feels amazing. And sure I wasn’t totally good this weekend about staying out of touch with the trifecta. I did send Mr. FB a message (or two…) and did wish Mr. Uni a Happy Birthday (but those of you that know me and birthdays know that someone could be my mortal enemy and I will still show up with a singing telegram on their big day!)… And yes I did have a minor setback last night a couple of beers in while practically snuggled up against Mr. My Harry (it was a tiny booth) where I did look at him (and his wicked grin) and had to remind myself why were weren’t together. But I was able to pull together the hormones, because we all know I can’t go down that path again… and I have to say I was pretty proud of myself for resisting. Maybe I will be able to make it these next 2 months after all! And then this morning I was hit out of the blue with memories. And my heart literally dropped. And I know it’s going to take me time before it stops hurting. And I know that every day it gets better. Every day I think about him less. Every day my heart heals a bit more… and I know one day I’m going to wake up and realize I’ve gone a whole day without thinking about him… but then I will have days like today when the memory is so strong it and it just hurts so bad it’s like my heart is breaking all over again. And maybe it might just be because I’m exhausted. And it might just be my 4 days hangover I’m on. And all the booze trying to get out of my body through all my pores. I mean I look like I’ve been on a non-stop bender. I’ve got the bags. The haggard skin. The bloated belly… Like Mr. Green Sr. said to me today- Are you trying to kill yourself before you turn 30… so maybe I need to slow down the drinking. But it helps. Doesn’t help me from making drunken text messages… but all the drinking this weekend did help me not think about him. And her. And really that’s all that I’m looking for. Though from now on I think maybe I will turn to the gym instead of that bottle of booze, because if at the end of these 60 days I’m going to need to be in prime form and not look like a mix between a cougar and a frat boy. Because no one wants to have sex with a Buddha belly!

And the love bug comes right back and bites me

2009-02-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

I am just starting to wrap up an insanely wonderful Valentines weekend… I spent it with the woman that really are the loves of my life. Once again they sadly were called to duty this week when I was left devastated again but the non-loves of my life. And like always was reminded just how wonderful they are. All lead crazy busy lives. Some have wonderful boyfriends. Some have kids. Some have husbands. Some have intense 24 hour a day jobs. Most had other plans. But instead they rallied around me this weekend. I spent the last 4 days surrounded by these wonderful woman- Alissa, Nicki, Janice, Kelly, Kelli, Riann, Katie, Sara and Sarah I am forever thankful you are in my life. They drank copious amounts of alcohol, ate lots of fattening foods, watched me cry my eyes out, hit the town (and painted it red), walked on the beach, rode bikes along the Venice canals, sang karaoke and sometimes just sat without saying a word. And for all of that I’m grateful. No crying left in me. And in fact when I thought I would be depressed on Valentine’s Day, I found myself exhilarated and excited. The women in my life are amazing. As are many of the men. Spent two nights this weekend with Mr. My Harry (as friends, nothing more, nothing less but we are growing into a very comfortable pattern). Spent way too much time dissecting my love life with Mr. Ex (he’s out of town this weekend but like always remembered to call and wish me a happy Valentines, our little tradition he never forgets even after all these years). And yes the love bug has tempted me back, but I’ve resisted. Of the two dates I have been offered, one I have passed along to a friend because I think he actually might be right for her. And the other I’m happy to see next month when he’s up from San Diego (and NO this is not Mr. Green)… and maybe a month is a good amount of time to figure out myself. But probably not… and for now I’m enjoying being alone. In fact it’s great. This weekend if I was dating someone I would have curtailed many of my activities. Instead I am now spending my 4th night in a row out late with my girls and Mr. My Harry… I was able to sleep in and be lazy all day without anyone bugging me to do anything. I was able to see the movie I wanted to see. I was able to flirt my way thought more than one bar without feel guilty. I was able to workout at the gym when I wanted. I was able to go an extra day without shaving my legs (hey it’s cold and sometimes I’m just too lazy to shave my legs!). I was able to be the real me. The one whose belly is extending way too far out. Whose face breaks out from all the stress. Whose hair right now is just up in an unbrushed pony. Who prefers her glass to her contacts. Who is enjoying spending her Sunday afternoon curled up in bed with a book and a glass of wine. Yes it would be nice to have someone to share the fire with… but until I’m ready a good book and some great friends are more than enough. In fact I would say they are just about perfect.

Some stories have happy endings... mine just has an ending.

2009-02-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

Last year many things happened. Among them I a met a boy. Fell in love. And had my heartbroken. Now it doesn’t matter which one it was. You’ve read the blogs. Some can guess which. Many might guess wrong. But for the story it doesn’t matter which one broke my heart. What matters was I was devastated. But after all that had happened last year I wasn’t able to deal with this heartbreak. Mainly because it was too hard. Now you may be thinking- but you fall in love all the time. But I don’t. I fall. I fall in lust. I fall in like. And I may fall hard. But love, that’s something I rarely do. And as much as I’m open on the internet, letting my emotions really out are hard. So I stopped them. I didn’t let myself mourn the relationship or the guy. It was too hard to me to know that he wasn’t going to be there. That I wasn’t going to be with him. It was too hard to feel my heart drop every time I heard his name. So start crying when I saw pictures of us together, and sometimes just with pictures of him. To hard thinking of him with someone else. To hard to feel what I was feeling. So instead I tried to put a band-aid on a bullet wound. I tried to replace him. So I dated… and dated. I fell into one guy and then the next and an ex or two until I was able to convince myself that I was over the first boy. But I wasn’t. I knew it. My friends knew it. Even some of the guys I dated knew it. And instead of being able to be with these guys, I found ways to push them right out the door… because deep down I knew. Knew I wasn’t over him. Knew that they weren’t the answer I was looking for. And knew I wasn’t ready. Well it took me to this week to really take a look at what I was doing. Mind you I'm not saying that I didn't truly care for these guys. Because I did. And although I may not have fallen in love with them, a few did still break my heart very nicely. But it was easy to break seeing as I still haven't let it heal.And this weeks events made me sit there and just say wow I’m not ok with this. Though it only took the relationship trifecta in my life to all go KABOOM on the same day. So I’m going to do what I needed to have done in the first place. I’m going to mourn. Mourn the relationship. Mourn him. And really just say goodbye. Not cya latter. No catching him on the flipside. Just a final goodbye. I’m going to drink copious amounts of alcohol. I’m going to let myself feel lonely. And desperate. And sad. I’m going to spend lots of time with my friends. I’m going to kick box and become a yoga guru again. Spend long hours walking on the beach. Learn to cook a new food. Finally go skydiving. Finally paint that kitchen orange… And basically do everything I’ve always wanted to do. Even if that means picking up and living halfway around the world for a year. And spending my 30th birthday (gasp) alone. And maybe it’s going to take the next 60 days (at least that’s what I’m hoping it will take!) though maybe it will be longer. Sadly I know it won’t be shorter… or at least I know I’m not taking less time than that. Because maybe it’s time I stop searching for Mr. Right in every wicked grin I see, and start looking for the Miss Right that’s staring at me in the mirror.

It really isn’t you it’s me?!

2009-02-09T10:11:00.000-08:00

"Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.

Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?

Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Over the weekend I went to see He’s Just Not That Into You… and yes I will admit I’ve read the books (even the sequel- it’s called a break up because it’s broken). And yes there was a character that I related to more than you can imagine. Jennifer Goodwin plays this serial dater, who gets her heart stomped on left and right, who can’t seem to make anything work, who holds on to any little hope because really what is there without hope and is basically just me. And towards the end she gets into a fight with the Justin Long Character (a womanizer who we watch throw away woman after woman) and as he’s yelling at her and asking her how she couldn’t read the signs. How stupid she must be to think that he wanted to be with her, because after all isn’t he the one who told her that if a guy wanted to be with you than he would ask you out… and she just looked at him, took a breath and told him that she’s just happy that she isn’t him. Because yes she gets her heart broken, and yes none of these people want to be with her and yes she stupidly goes out on hopeless date after date but that she does it because each time she hopes that maybe this will work out. She looks him in the eye and tells him that she’s just happy that she isn’t him. Because even though her love has been thrown in her face at least she’s loved because he has no idea what love is like. And it’s because of that, that she is closer to finding it than he will ever be. And of course I sat there and started sobbing. Because I could be that girl sitting there being yelled at by this boy. In fact I have been that girl yelling at that boy. Because I am the love-aholic. That one who falls in love at the drop of a hat. Who just tries and tries. Who just can’t seem to get this dating thing right. But even as I sat there waiting for the movie to start all the while on the phone being told by yet another guy that He Just Wasn’t That Into Me, I still have hope. I still accepted a set-up from one of my friends. I still got all dolled up over the weekend with the hopes that maybe just maybe I will meet someone right. And yes just like Jennifer Goodwin, I can see the phone isn’t ringing. I hold onto those good dates because I’ve had so many lousy ones. And yes I always fall for that guy that is constantly telling me- I’m just not that into you. And my heart broke watching her on the screen because it was like watching all my failed romances go by me. People often ask me why I go through the same cycle over and over again. How I can let these men treat me like the gum on their shoes and still talk to them, still wish them luck on their big days, call to make sure they made a flight home or come over to cheer them up when they are blue. I do this because I’m always going to have hope. Even if it’s blind hope. Even if it’s being stupid. And even if it just once again leaves me crying in a movie theatre… because I have to believe that all this makes me just that much closer to finding the one… because really if I didn’t believe that, then why even bother.

But really what I didn’t need to be told in this movie was He’s Just Not That Into Me… I don’t know what genius guy really thought that this would go over well with women. Because sure on the surface it seems like a great idea… And all feminist Rah Rah… BUT IT’S NOT. It’s them sitting there and telling us that really there is something wrong with us. It’s not them it’s ME. It’s ME they don’t’ want to be with. It’s ME all these men are rejecting. Not the fact that it’s clear that many of these guys have insane commitment issues, baggage from earlier relationships, prefer to go out and screw as many woman as possible, are unable to fall in love… no it’s not these assholes that we date. It’s us that have things wrong with us… and really did I need to spend 10 dollars for someone to tell me that I’m the problem? I think not. I have enough men and friends in my life to tell me that very same thing…

PS Don’t even get me started on the ending all wrapped up in a happy bow. Because let me tell you how it would end in real life. The guy would go on to screw the next hopeless girl that fell into his path. Jennifer Goodwin would enjoy a pint of ice cream, maybe some booze and probably fall into the lap of one of her ex’s… because sadly life is not always tied up in the Hollywood Happy Ending Bow!

He's Just Not That Into ME... or something like that

2009-02-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Sadly I think we will finally be seeing the exit of Mr. FB. And it’s not because we don’t have a great time. And it’s not because I haven’t given it the good old college try. And it’s definitely not because the sex is bad. It’s mainly because I think I have to just say he’s possibly just not that into me. And I’m not ok with that. We spent another Friday night together. And like usual we laughed, and talked, I possibly giggled a bit, we had some really fun drunken sex, had a bit of a cuddle (with him nuzzling my neck which many of you might remember really is my Achilles heel!)… but this morning as he was packing for his business trip (yes I even folding some of his shirts for his suitcase) I realized that we just are amazing together, but no amount of me sticking around is really going to wake him up to that fact. And yes he use to believe that. And yes he originally let Mr. Uni come between us. And yes we all remember that I didn’t give him the space that he needs. And mind you in all his talk about space, he was the one to freak out this week on getting deleted off my blackberry messenger. He was the one who has multiple times contacted one of my closest friends about me, about how I’m doing, about how confused he is and how much he really likes me. But at the same time he gave me the same run around on Friday, his bringing it up not me- I already learned my lesson with asking him what we are. And after he spent the last 2 weeks doing some “serious thinking” (his words not mine) he’s realized that with all that is going on with work right now (he’s in the middle of a multi-million dollar proposal that will be the turning point for his company as well as in Florida this week and New York in two for business trips) he feels that he just cannot be dating someone. That it’s not fair to either of us. So that leaves us as with what, occasional dates and sleep overs. And as much as I like spending time with him, that isn’t ok with me. I don’t know what I’m looking for right now. It’s apparent that I’m still not ready for a relationship… but I am ready to dip my toes back into that pool. And although I don’t need to be seeing someone and know where it’s going, I do need to be able to know that at some point it is going somewhere. And since I see a future and he see lace garters and fun drunken nights this is disappointingly where we must head our separate ways. And maybe he will emerge from his business trip and realize that maybe it is worth it to try and make this work… it’s just that I’m not wishing on anymore stars about it.

At what point does uncomplicated become complicated, and your past becomes your future?

2009-02-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

So over the weekend I was accused by Mr. Ex of using him. It wasn’t said in anger, in fact he was pretty much just laughing at us. And I know that I often do, but it was a little hard to hear him say it. Granted he was the one who invited me over on Friday, and he was also the one who suggested I stay at his place on Saturday night since I had such an early call time yesterday. But at the same time he pointed out that I always come back to him whenever a relationship goes south. And usually we have a pretty good thing. It’s uncomplicated. It’s fun. And more importantly it’s comfortable. And when I reminded him that we both don’t want to date each other, and it’s always been a disaster when we do he’s response was that I don’t want to date him, but he isn’t on that same page. And I know I also use him as a sounding board to get a guys perspective on the men I date (his take on Mr. FB- he’s just not that into you, Mr. Uni- he’s an idiot, now Mr. Green on the other hand he actually felt threatened by so he had many opinions on that relationship but at the same time he knew how much I wanted it, so he put it all aside and actually was rooting for that one to work), which I know isn’t fair to him. Mr. Ex is part best friend, part former lover and part just all around go to guy. But after a couple of incidents over the weekend I realized that I haven’t been fair to him this past year… and I have to say I did have a little freak out on Saturday when he gave me his spare key. A simple gesture. But one that starts to blur the line between uncomplicated and complicated and between my past and my future… in the end after thinking about it a bit, and sleeping on it (in his very comfortable bed) I left his key on the nightstand as I left for work Sunday morning… And sadly I think I may have to get rid of my security blanket because in reality it hasn’t been helping me. Because placing a band-aid on bullet wound isn’t working. And it’s about time I took off the band-aide and let the wound just heal. No medicine. No band-aids. And no male replacements. Just a raw Hardt, hoping to heal. Because I can’t keep letting my past ruin possible futures...

Big Sighs

2009-01-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

Sadly I am spending my Saturday morning once again at work… it’s been one crazy ass week over here in my world. When I last left you I was enjoying Raccoons and nights at Mr. FB’s house, anticipating our “big date” last Friday. Well that big date became a big disaster when he found out the Mr. Uni wasn’t too excited about us hanging out. And sadly, despite what was a great connection, he decided “Bros before Hoes” and I was sent packing. Though technically he’s still pondering the idea of us, and doesn’t know what to do since he does really like me (though had to basically stalk him this week to get that info since he was more comfortable talking to one of my friends about this instead of me!). But after a week of me every day being like we need to talk what’s going on, I got the official I need space you are too much this week from him. And granted I was…. Though in my defense, after getting the full court press from him it was a drastic change this week. And we all know I don’t do well with change, and kind of went into a panic. And despite his stop, relax, you have nothing to panic about I went into my head anyways… well giving him his space. Though we shall see if that even helps, I think the damage, sadly, is already done. And of course as is par for the course in my love life, after meeting someone new this week, Mr. Grip, I was asked out… but this time I had the will power to just say NO. Sure he’s totally my type and normal I would just jump and say yes, but after jumping from one guy to the next this past year I really need a break! I am still holding out hope that maybe Mr. FB will come around, but in the meantime I’m giving myself a much needed break from men. And yes it was hard when Mr. Ex called last night to come over for dinner and a little cuddle. But I told him no. I need to just clear my head for a bit…In the meantime I have been working like a dog over here. Putting in 14 hour days, stressed to the max, working 6 days a week the last two weeks and basically just exhausted beyond belief. Everything and anything has gone wrong on this shoot and it’s my first official time as a coordinator so I’m kind of just flying by the seat of my pants on this one. There are a lot of hot tempers (already had a first fight, a verbal fight, a quitting, and a firing on set!), a lot of work that needs to be done for little money and not enough time… but it’s been a great learning experience. And I leave most days just exhilarated, even those days when I’m leaving the set at 2am!I had one day off this week, spent it surfing and relaxing with friends on the beach… It was great. Just what I need to reboot and start my week (and life) over. I kind of threw out the window a bunch of changes that I hoped to make in the New Year… so I’m thinking February 1st is the ideal time to just start over…. AGAIN.

Date Interrupted

2009-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

So last night I had possibly the funniest end to a date ever… I went over to watch my Monday Night Shows over at Mr. FB’s house. And before you jump to conclusions, we are just hanging out and getting to know each other. So I actually went over to watch TV and not to “watch TV”. Anyways after a very fun evening of Chinese food, How I Met Your Mother and laughter we got ready to head out to my car. And yes he was very sweet and insisted on walking me to my car, and even joked about how I might be attacked by the many street cats in his area. Well as soon as I opened the door I laughed because there right by the steps was possibly the largest cat I had ever seen… until it turned around and we noticed it was a RACOON. I stopped dead in my tracks, I had never seen a raccoon before. And it looked like the cuddliest thing I had ever seen until it looked at me and practically hissed. And then another rather large raccoon showed up to enjoy the cat food the neighbor had left out. At that point I think I was crying with laugher. Every time we tried to leave the apartment they would look and hiss. Luckily about an hour later we were able to finally do a mad dash for the car. And by dash I mean that we literally had to run because we heard the raccoons in the bushes coming after us! All in all it was a great way to end a fun evening… and on my way home I got a text message from him saying what a great time he had and was extremely happy I ended up coming down. All in all a PERFECT way to end a fun evening. And I haven’t been able to stop smiling since :)

Facebook Friend... or Foe?

2009-01-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

Last night we threw a new guy into the mix, Mr. FB. Now it’s an odd story about him, but I met FB through Mr. Uni (they went to college together) and when we first started talking on facebook back in November, Mr. Uni and I were still friends so it wasn’t weird that I had started talking to one of his college buddies. Though to set the record straight it was very much Mr. FB that found me on facebook, I am not one to strike up virtual friendships with people. But when Mr. Uni and I started dating it was a little odd that his buddy kept hitting on me. When I told him that he should tell Mr. FB that we were dating, he would just reply that he thought it was funny that FB would always comment on my status and leave messages. So I let it go. And I thought FB was cute to begin with so I thought well it’s nice to have a bit of a flirtation where it’s going nowhere, I was dating his college buddy after all. Well when things went sour with Uni I thought what the heck, FB had been trying to make plans with me the past month and now there really wasn’t any reason to say no. So we made plans to go listen to a friend’s band play last night. I figured it would be a fairly safe evening, I was already planning on going with 5 of my girls so it would be a low key evening of friendship and nothing more. I don’t know him at all ready and was not ready for a date scenario. But you can always use more guy friends, especially cute guy friends. So instead of a traditional date- an evening of laughter, friends, fun and good music was had by all. My friends were very impressed with Mr. FB. In fact when we left the bar they had a talk with me because they could see that I was starting to pick him apart right away, as I have a tendency to do with any guy I met. And they all agreed that he seemed like a really nice guy and that I need to give one of those a try. I take it as a good sign that they liked him, especially since these same friends met Mr. Uni last Sunday and they all thought he was a tool because of the way he was treating me that night. In fact I believe the term “Crescent Wrench” was used… but all in all I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by the evening. I don’t know if I can say that there were sparks, but there definitely weren’t a lack of sparks so that’s a good thing. I just need to make sure that I would be doing this for the right reasons. Not because I’m afraid to be alone. And not because I want to make a point to Mr. Uni. But because I like him. And since I don’t know if I do I’ve agreed to get to know him better. He was very cute and sent me a text last night after I left that bar saying what a great time he had and I even heard from him this morning before he was off for his golf game. So all in all a promising start. A start to what I don’t know. But for now I will settle with a friendship with a cute boy.

Played or Not Played... that is the question

2009-01-18T15:06:00.001-08:00

Now the rest of my weekend went by in a lazy drunken blur… Spent Saturday night with Mr. My Harry. He had recently broken up with his one again off again girlfriend of 6 years so he finally remembered I existed. Now I know that I shouldn’t jump when he calls but of course I did and we went out for drinks last night. It was nice. We caught up, he got to hear all about my topsy turvy love life and I got to hear about him sticking his toe back into the dating world. But the nicest thing was that I was able to sit across from him and not have the feelings that I use to have. I have always thought that maybe one day we would be on the same page and make things work between us, but this time I realized that we actually were on the same page and friendship was what was working between us. And I was happy about. So much that today I met up with him again to watch the Steelers game with his guys.But in between the Cardinals game with my girls and the Steelers game with the boys I spoke to Mr. Uni. He was a little upset that I had gone out with Mr. FB and for the last two days had been asking me questions about it. And for two days they were unanswered, until I was drunk of course! On the way to the bar we finally were able to air both our grievances. Well really it was my grievances and him telling me how amazing I was. After all his bullshit about meeting someone else and was confused, it came down to the fact that he has just plain been scared. Scared of his feelings for me. Scared of where this was going. And scared that he was going nowhere in life. Now as much as it would be nice to believe all of that, because deep down aren’t most guys just afraid of commitment, I had to call bullshit on him. The fact of the matter is he still doesn’t know what he wants. I layed it all on the line, and the only thing he could say was he needed time and could I just wait. Sadly I had to answer no. I did tell him that if he can sort his life out soon than I am here… yea I know I’m a sucker. But I let him know that his window of opportunity is small… And that I would be out dating while he figures stuff out. And I know his “excuses” were just that an excuse. And that if he really wanted to be with me than he would… but at the same time I can’t rule out that maybe he really just is confused and will come around. So until then, I’m off to enjoy all that life has to offer. Mr. FB has been calling every day, and if feels nice to be chased for once. And last night I watched the sunset over the pacific, sitting outside in nothing but a little sundress ,with a margarita in my hands and the boys at my side… nothing short of perfection!

Giggles and love from sunny LA

2009-01-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Life is pretty good right now. Of course it isn’t perfect. But sometimes I think if life were perfect than what fun would that be? I started a new job this week (YAY for me). Now the job isn’t perfect, but I can’t complain. I was uber happy to go back to work. And I spent the week in dance rehearsals for a new video from the cast of So You Think You Can Dance… and let’s just say I have a bit of a crush. So all in all a pretty good week!

Of course there was a bit of drama because there always will be. My poor mom was sent into a panic on Thursday. She’s on the crash team for US Airways and has to fly out for any crash to deal with fatalities and the family members. So of course the crash yesterday happened putting her into a spin of panic to get to the airport. Where she was told that since there weren’t any fatalities she didn’t have to go… and then of course got a call an hour later that no she would have to fly out to New York after all. But after one missed plane and waiting at the airport for another one she was told that since she wouldn’t be there in time it’s ok and she could go home. But needless to say she was exhausted from the entire experience.

As for my love life…nothing really to tell. Mr. Green got back from New Zealand this week and I’ve actually been talking to him again. We both just seem to have a hard time with the letting go. But just friends now. Sure I do still have feelings for him, and yea it is tough sometimes but all in all we’ve managed to remain friends. And the thing is at first I was bitter at us becoming friends. I mean you can’t go from being in love with someone to all of a sudden just someone they occasionally talk to. But he’s shown in the last few months that he actually does care… though in his caring he has unintentionally pointed out just how much Mr. Uni doesn’t. And of course I thought we could be adult about it and have that final conversation, you know the one- we should be friends, you obviously are not interested and I can’t keep getting hurt. OF course you know me, always trying to be positive, thought that if we had that conversation maybe he would actually wake up and be like oh wait I don’t mean to be treating you like gum under my shoe. Though of course no conversation… and I think an unanswered call really does say it all. As Mr. Ex perfectly put this week- “He’s just not that into you… so why are you still bothering with him. You rock, he doesn’t. And deserve so much better.”

But despite the little blips it’s been a fantastic week. I’m looking forward to a great weekend. Tonight I’m going to see an old friend from High School’s band play. I haven’t seen him perform since I was 16 so really excited about that. Also excited because last week I set him up with one of my closest girls and they hit it off like I have never seen. And of course this week I’ve been bombarded with emails from both of them being all mushy and disgusting and basically making me want to throw up. But also has made me really happy. Happy for them and happy to know that love does still exist out there. The old fashioned. Swept off your feet. Can’t stop thinking of someone. Giggly kind… and I can’t wait to get there again!!! Giggle all ready to go.

And again.

2009-01-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

Time goes by. Seasons Change. You date other people. Hell you even break up with other people. And yet you can hear something that just makes your heart hurt. When you give your heart to someone (even if in the end they just trample on it and throw it away) you still care about them… and it still will hurt to hear about the people that they slept with while you were together and who they are continuing to sleep with… especially hard when someone says hey do you remember meeting Miss Fuckbuddy? Yea she’s also another one of “his” occasional friends… and all of a sudden it hits you like a brick wall. And damn does it ever hurt. Tonight I heard a couple of things that literally made my heart drop. And by someone who I promised I would never let get to me again. Though granted he wasn’t the one who said anything, but it was his actions that did it. And just something that drove home how little I meant to someone who meant a great deal to me… and really aren’t I sick of feeling little?

Chargers and men disappoint in the city of non angels.

2009-01-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up yesterday morning with a renewed since of hope. I start my new job today. My unemployment and the 2600 dollars that they owe me finally came though. Things were starting to look up! The Charger game was on and I was planning on spending it with 8 of my favorite Charger fans including Mr. Uni. Now I hadn’t seen Mr. Uni since they whole “I’m confused” conversation so I was planning on seeing where it was going. We had made plans to hang out earlier in the week but those didn’t pan out, and I was still smarting a bit about that, but I took it as a good sign that he was coming to watch the game (naïve, yea I know!). Now sadly the game was a loss. The Chargers as my grandfather had predicted got their “asses handed to them by the Steelers”. And the day with Mr. Uni was also a loss. Sure we had fun, though I was insanely awkward the entire time. I was over analyzing EVERYTHING and spent the time going, ok am I being flirty? Or not flirty enough? Should I do this? Should I say that? In the end I think I ended up acting like an idiot. Though in reality I don’t think it would have matter how I acted yesterday. Because the truth of the matter is confusion or no confusion he just isn’t that into me. Almost at the end of the game, despite references to us going home together, he got up and left the bar abruptly. To only come back about 5 min later. Sit down for 5 min and then abruptly leave the bar for good. I had sent him a text messages, saying um HELLO?! But no response. Later in the night I finally got one saying that he had left because he was bummed and disappointed about the game and that we are ok. Though really the truth of the matter is, “If he doesn’t want to have sex with you, then he’s just not that into you!”. I mean seriously, how many times can I basically be rejected by the same guy and yet still keep coming back for more! I don’t understand why he even bothered to show up for the game. Is it to just once again reel me in? Is it to prove to himself that I can? Is it to just once again make a fool of my? I have no idea. I wanted to talk to him and ask him and finally get it all out there… but of course no answer to my call. He said he had been watching a movie and then watch the Globes… but really isn’t no answer, my answer. I think it is. I finally told him that the ball is in his court. If he wants to actually try and make this work, then it’s up to him to call me. Because I am done chasing someone who just doesn’t want to be caught… and that makes me just a bit sad.

Maybe I'm just not that into you!

2009-01-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

I think guys often tell us what they think we want to hear… they think if they don’t tell us the truth that it will somehow be easier. Easier on them, of course. While breaking up it is, I want to be friends. After the break up it’s, No I really do still care about you. While courting us it, I want to hang out with you. I want to see you. How about a rain check. I will call you… all things they say because it gets us off the phone. They think that the news will go down easier. As a woman I like to know the truth, I like to be informed about everything, to not have things just sprung on me. Last night was a perfect example. I had made plans to hang out with, we shall call him Mr. Drunk. Now when I suggested us getting together what Mr. Drunk should have said was, I already have plans with my guy friends. Instead he said yes. When he should have said, I might not be able to in the end, he said I can’t wait to see you… now we shall fast forward to about 8 last night when I was heading out to Movie Night with my girlfriends and sent him a text to confirm meeting up later. And yes that is what I do. Send a conformation, because I do not let people hanging and do not bail on people. But instead of a yes, I got back “Oh, I’m on the Westside right now so let’s see where I end up later.” WHAT!!!! Now how simple would it have been for him to just tell me that earlier in the day, and I wouldn’t have planned meeting up (I mean really, I shaved my legs and everything!)… Now if that wasn’t enough I then got a text from him a little after 9… turns out he was not only too drunk to drive, but also too drunk to text! So yup Mr. Drunk was deciding to pass out at a buddy’s house instead of meeting up with me… At least that’s what I got out of the garbled letters and non-words that he had sent me… now really at that point what he should have said was: “Hardt, I’m just not that into you.” Though luckily I’m becoming very good at reading between the lines! So here’s the lesson for you guys- it doesn’t make it any easier for us when you try and tell us what we want to hear… because in the end we just end up more frustrated and disappointed in you than if you had just told the truth. And really, aren't you tired of always looking like the asshole?!

Where have all the good guys gone, they are dating someone else- that’s where!

2009-01-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

So I’ve started to notice something lately, and it’s the same with me, my friends, friends of friends, pretty much every female out there I have come into contact with. When we go through a break up (or a break off as my last non-relationship can be called), we are emotional, sad, enjoy some booze, some food- whatever it takes. But we mourn the relationship and then spend time going on lousy dates and start to lose hope that we are ever going to find someone. Now the men in my life (and my friend’s lives) have all broken up with us and have moved directly on with someone else (more often than not they moved on with them BEFORE we ended but that’s an entirely different blog). It’s quite shocking. That these men, who we all can see really aren’t that great of catches, who were lucky to have any of us, were able to move on to someone else right away. There isn’t a mourning period, there isn’t a “lets be single for awhile” just an I met someone else, let’s be “friends”… it’s rather infuriating. Because here I am going on date after date with guys who are definitely not my soul mates (it’s actually quite shocking the amounts of dates I go on, only about a third go into the blogs. Mainly because they bored me to death on them, why bore you too! I’ve even had 3 very unexciting dates since Mr. Uni informed me that I wasn’t who he wanted to be with) But the truth of the matter is that when I find someone that I actually have a spark with I’m excited. I want to do whatever it takes to make it work. And more often than not the guy just wants to get laid, have someone to tell his problems to, a football buddy for the Chargers games- whatever it is. And then he gets laid, his problems go away and the season ends. And all that I am left with is a beer belly from Football Sundays, a high phone bill and a high sex drive that now will not get as much exercise. And while these guys are off courting their new girls, those of us leftover are all still clinging to the hope that maybe he will change his mind. I mean of course I’m fabulous, so maybe if I show him just how fabulous I am then he will want to date me. Maybe my homemade chicken soup will change his mind as well as make him better, I don’t see her bringing him that. Or some cookies after he’s had a hard day. Or someone to call and asked how his production meeting went, I mean I’m still involved in his life that has to be good right? Sure these guys will answer our calls (sometimes), will text message back (when it becomes convenient to them) so they must still be interested, right? And sure we all know we’ve gone on face book and checked out their status updates and new female friends (just like to state that EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND of mine has gone on this month and done some ex stalking, just stating it’s just not me in that crazy place!)… .And sure we all get comments from these boys about our facebook updates, and male friends, and pictures. Oh he said I looked gorgeous for New Years Eve, that means he wants to get back together, right?! The answer to all these questions is- NO NO NO. No they don’t want to be together. No they don’t want to be friends. What they want is for us to still be that puppy dog following them around being lovely and amazing to them, while they go off and have sex and relationships with someone else. And this puppy dog is done following. But the sad matter of this is, they don’t really care. Because as a friend told me last night: Sadly they are trying to tell us something without actually having to say it. The reality is that they just aren’t that into us. And it’s sad. And it’s harsh. But once it’s said and out there and realized then it’s easy to move on. Because why call and care about someone who just doesn’t care about us? Why spend our life chasing after something that doesn’t want to be caught? I for one don’t want to. So instead I’ll just buy a new set of batteries (or maybe call up Mr. Ex because he’s always good for that!). Spend my minutes listening to my girlfriends problems instead of some guys. And spend my football Sundays with my girls, yelling at the screen drinking beer (I’m hearing rumors a keg will be involved this Sunday!) having my buffalo wings and the only boys I will be thinking about will be the ones wearing a bolt on their helmet. Because for both the Chargers and me, this is going to be our year baby. And we won’t let any boys stand in our way!

PS Don't take this as being bitter... in fact if I really had given up hope than why would I still be out there dating trying to find the one. I still believe he's out there. But the fact of the matter is I'm done holding my life as I wait for him to call. Not bitter. Just had some kick ass your fabulousness drilled into my brain by some amazing friends (and three horrible books that some of those friends bought me as jokes.... the books are horrible but some of the advice is not too bad!).

Must love ME- yup it's that time, AGAIN!

2009-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

While sitting in a hot tub recently toasting in the New Year with my girls we were discussing what we want out of a man… and in fact one of the girls had said how she had made her list last New Years and now has found someone who fits all the criteria. Well I told them, but I do have a list and I add to it after everyone I date. So here is this list again, this time with some adjustments. Now let us see if I can stick to it this time!

- Must have a REAL job- no stuntman, model, stripper, flair bartender, pro-surfer, jet-skier, actor… But more than anything must be Career Driven. Nothing is sexier than a guy who is ambitious. I also need someone who understands when I can't make it home for dinner because we are shooting late, or when I need to work weekends to get caught up. But on the flipside, I want to be more than just an obligation or something that casually slips their mind, like washing dishes or taking out the trash. I need to be as equally as important as his job, if his job comes first than I will never be able to get what I need out of the relationship! I’m more than willing to be the cheerleader (outfit optional) but I need to know that at the end of the day he appreciates that, if he doesn’t than there’s the door.

- Must not have any piercings. No tongue, No nipple, No lip, and especially NO PENIS!

- Must be at least my age- if not OLDER! Must be a responsible Adult…No more 23 year old boys who are still trying to figure out their life. A job, car, apartment, direction in life... all things that should be a given when finding someone to date!

- Must be looking for an actual relationship. As Zoha says must have his light on- No flings. No rebound. No one-night Stands. No out of town fuck buddies. No casual relations… someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I'm not talking marriage, engagement, or even a serious relationship- just someone who at the end of a long work weeks wants to come home to me, just me. At the same time, I’d like to hope that when someone is dating me that they stop looking for someone else, because for once I’m waiting to be with someone who doesn’t tell me- well I met someone else…

- Must not have any ex's in their life! If she's still in love with you than you can move on from me! At the same time no girlfriends, no fuck buddies, no fiancés, no wives... and this one is non-negotiable. Though he must also have had stable relationships in the past, if they haven't been serious about someone in the past they aren't going to be able to be serious about me.

- Must not have gone to Jail or get arrested while we are dating! I know Janice can't handle having to try and bail another boyfriend out of the drunk tank!

- Must be College Educated. Sorry boys that's a requirement. I like having lively debates, I like discussing politics and I love someone who can put me in my place. At the same time I also think we learned more than just what our professors were teaching us in college. College is where you start to form the real friendships that last through our life… That safe environment shapes who we later become in life. Without that I think a lot of people are searching for answers… and although I think that's fantastic, I don't want to date that person anymore!

- Must be Adventurous… He's gotta love surfing and hiking with me. If the guy doesn't like water and sand than he doesn't have a chance! Plus I think only a guy who is willing to jump off a bridge, go white water rafting, running with the bulls or scuba diving with the stingrays on the spur of the moment would keep me interested for 50 years. Because that's what I'm looking for- 50 years, not 50 days!

- Must be Family Oriented. It's taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ready to think about settling down with a family. Not today, not tomorrow… but at the same time not too far into the future. So if you don't want children or need to wait another 10 years, keep moving because we won't work out. At the same time he needs to be involved with his own family. I know it's horrible to say, but I can't date someone else who has family issues- wither it be with a father, mother, sister, brother, cousin… whoever! I'm not your therapist and I'm not your quick fix!

- Core group of male friends. I know this seems like an odd one. But it's a deal breaker for me now. A guy without his guys has issues… or even a guy with a lot of new friends. And especially a guy that seems to have more girl friends than guys. I want to know that he’s more than just a flirt, but someone who when I want to have my girls nights is more than happy to spend the evening with his guys doing their own things… my friends are my life force and I also need someone to understand that! And accept that I have my Tuesday night dinners, and sometimes he just won't be invited to them.

- Must be outgoing and social… I love going out. A great party on a Saturday night is one of the great things in life. Going out, dressing up, having fun… that's part of my life… and with my career choice will always be part of my life. On the flip side he must also enjoy a Friday night in watching movies or a Sunday morning in bed drinking Mimosas. But at the same time must not like to sit and home and smoke pot all day long... because it the long run you will end up wanting the pot more than you want me. AND NO SMOKERS IN GENERAL.

- Must not live in a different city, state or take a job touring the US for 6 months at a time! But at the same time must not view living in Venice being "long distance" if he only lives in Burbank!

-Must say what he means and means what he says. Every guy in the past seems to say one thing, do another, and then will admit to a third. When a guy says I want to be with you, I want him to mean it. When a guy says I am in love with you, I want him to mean it. But if he starts to waiver or say he’s confused or doesn’t know what he wants then I’m going to have to walk away. Because in the end he will still not know what he wants, and that’s just preventing me from meeting the one who does. Because eventually I will meet the guy who does know what he wants- ME.

- But I guess the most important thing is he must love me. Not love who he thinks I am or the me who he thought I was or who he thinks I will be. But loves me. Me at my worst. The grumpy, demanding, whiny, solitary, spastic, loud, overbearing, crazy, dorky me. The me who spends way too much time on my computer. Too many hours dissecting my belly. Gets depressed when the scale goes up… and giddy when it goes down. Loves my family and my friends… and how disgustingly close I am to both of them. Accepts that I too am not perfect… but that we are perfectly imperfect for each other.

Midnight champagne, kisses and dreams.

2009-01-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

2009 so far isn’t bringing too many changes into my life… I wish I could say that after a magical night the world changed. Instead it didn’t. I have the same problem I did in 2008, some even more so now! But I actually ended up spending the New Years at a pretty low key wine bar in Hollywood with a bunch of my really good girlfriends. It was chill and just what I needed. Some good food, lots of good alcohol, and great company. And after the crazy year that I have had that’s pretty much all that I needed. So maybe there wasn’t a kiss at midnight, but there were tons of hugs and a million text messages from friends. In the end I haven’t felt so loved in a long time… including texts from around the world (even Mr. Green from New Zealand) and even a message from my first boyfriend (from 6th grade!)… While driving home in the fog I thought I would be a little down for spending my New Years without someone, and instead I had a smile on my face. This is exactly how I wanted to start in the New Year. I have spent the last few weeks making a fool of myself and trying to hang on to someone who is clearly not interested in me… and instead of letting go I have let myself believe that I was just being a bit crazy and no he was still interested. Well this week I was proven wrong (shocking, right!), and have felt oh so much the fool. And sadly have lost respect for (and subsequently the respect of) someone that I have known for more than half my life! That being said, I’m happy to have spent the night not with someone who makes me feel insignificant, but with my girls who make me feel like I can conquer the world… let’s just hope that we can this year!!!

As for the days since New Year’s it’s been a crazy hodgepodge of friends, booze and fun. I woke up on New Year’s Day drastically early to head to brunch with my girls… it was mimosas, homemade donuts and old friends. Another perfect time on New Years, even if I was a tad hungover! Which then segued into a little nap, and then an evening of wine in a hot tub with my favorite crazy blonde. Last night was my favorite bar in Santa Monica to wingman another of my favorite blondes as she met up with her ex… and for once it was nice to have me not be the one flustered and twitterpated. And today will be spent with my girls watching the Chargers game at one of our standard sports bars (GO BOLTS!)… And although maybe I could ask for a better 2009 so far, the one thing I couldn’t ask for is a better group of friends. Who are always there. No matter what… I complain that I never get my cheerleader, but I think I’ve been looking in the wrong arena for it. So maybe these guys will never step up to the bat and be all that I want them to be. That’s ok, because I have a group of girls that take cheerleading to another level. And that, is what is going to make a perfect 2009!

2009, the year of Hardt.

2009-01-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

I always start the year with my resolutions… always what I want in the year, to lose weight, to stop dating assholes, to get a better job… well this year I only have one resolution- ME. This year is going to be about me. I’ve lived this last year, and most of my life living for other people. Doing what others think is right. Doing what will make him happy. Doing what my parents want me to. Doing what society thinks I should… instead I’m going to live these next 12 months for me. Doing what I want. Doing what will make me happy! I’m going to spend a lot more time with myself… which could probably make me a lot more cranky and miserable, but at the end of the tunnel is a light much brighter than imagined. I’m going to live my life this year. I’m going to do more yoga, not because it will give me a better body but because it will give me a better mind. Surf in the mornings, not for a tan but to clear my head. Date that guy that thinks the world of me, not who is my world. To not accept being a fuck buddy. A friend with benefits. An in-between girl. The one you call up when you need to clear your head. The one who’s always there. The one who you can call back tomorrow, next week, next month… for once I want the guy who can’t wait to talk to me. It’s time to put down the pom poms and look for MY cheerleader for once. Someone who is going to think I’m amazing. Who wants to be with me. And only me. Someone who doesn’t have one eye at the door looking for someone better… I’m going to finally date for forever and not date just waiting for someone to leave me… because here’s the thing when you wait for them to leave, you will push them until they do.

It’s finally time to delete those in my life that don’t want the amazing and neurotic me. I’ve held on to many people from my past (both male and female, friends and lovers) that frankly don’t make me feel very good about myself. I’ve accepted what they will give me, and allowed myself to believe that that is all I deserve… I’ve allowed their thoughts to influence my own. I’ve been afraid to be alone way too much.

It’s time to finally say goodbye to many things... I’m done with the dramatics in my life, both personally and romantically. Instead it’s time for uncomplicated. This year has been about drama. Both brought to me and self inflicted. It’s time to stop thinking and just start living. To stop over analyzing every little thing. But also to stop trying to fix things. Sometimes you need to just throw out broken things, if it’s not working it might not be worth the effort to change that… and for me it’s just time to move on past many things in my life.

I’m going to finally find that job that settles me. That’s been missing from my life this year. And I think most of the reasons my life has unraveled as it has has been due to being out of work. I have had too much time to focus on things that I shouldn’t. I’ve tried to control too much in my relationships because that’s all that I could control.

I’ve been looking into the past way too much this year, and it’s finally time to really look into the future. And I’ve been saying that this entire year but haven’t had the nerve to really do it. Instead I’ve accepted what bones people threw at me. And that’s just not good enough for me. Because I truly do deserve the world, and maybe it’s time that I start to believe that.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

2008-12-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

Just wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as I sit here too stuffed from way too much food, champagne and brie! Today has been the most amazing Christmas EVER... filled with laughter, love and a few Christmas Miracles of sorts. I wish I could explain a bit more, and go into the exciting details about tomorrow night. But I can't... Don't worry, the details will eventually return but for now you can check out all the adventures on the Hardt In The City myspace page.

Happy Holidays from Hardt.

2008-12-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

Well it’s finally the winding down of the very tumultuous year in my world… it’s been a wild and crazy ride, one that I’m hoping to never have to go on again. At the same time I’ve had some amazing things happen this year and I learned that there is so much that we take for granted here. So many things that we think are necessities that we really can live without… but there are certain things that we can’t live without- mainly our family and friends. I love each and every one of my friends that have been there through so much with me… on many days they wanted to bash my head in, luckily they didn’t and just provided copious amounts of alcohol, cheese, and tissues. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

I started blogging a couple of years ago, but very sporadically. Just a blog here and there. Going maybe months without a new one, and then would have maybe 5 in a week. Many of my friends got use to hearing my sex-capades and my latest romantic attachments. When everything went down with Mr. Nakedbartender I moved all of them over to Blog Spot. I found myself very hurt, angry, confused, and unemployed all at the same time. So I blogged about it. Writing gave me something to look forward to every morning. More often than not I would get up, have my cup of coffee and sit down and write. In a way it made me feel like I had something to do, I had a job of sorts. It gave me a purpose. Slowly as I began to write down everything that was in my head, it made it easier for me to bring that over into my real life and I began to say everything that was in my head. Here was the girl who was unable to say I love you to her on and off boyfriend of 4 years and suddenly was able to say I love you and I miss you to everything and everyone. I became like the child in goodnight moon. I love you moon. I miss you bear. I love you room… and at first it was very liberating. I was able to say what I wanted. I was able to express emotions I had been repressing for years.. .and then it became too much. I was writing everything down. I didn’t care or didn’t see how it was affecting my life and my relationships. Suddenly people didn’t need to call and check up on me, they would just read the blogs. I would start to tell a story and hear oh I read that yesterday. When asked how I was doing I would just email off the link to the latest blog because it was easier than rehashing everything. And I put all of my emotions on paper regarding the boys I was dating. They were able to see into my head, see the neurotic me that needs to be hidden away. And I let it interfere with relationships that I had with two separate men. Both Mr.’s got wrong impressions of me. Mainly because there are parts that aren’t written down, parts that make me seem less neurotic. Instead they just read about themselves, became obsessed with what I was writing about them, what was I saying, what were people thinking… and as I saw it happening I blamed them. Why are they reading it? Why can’t they just leave it alone? When all along I should have looked at me and said- Why can’t I just not write about everything? Why do I need to express every little emotion and thought to the world… and I became just as obsessed as them, and even obsessed at knowing when they were reading it. And over the last few months I’ve had them both blow up in my face. Because your every thought and wish and dream and confusion shouldn’t be out there for all to read. There are things that are private. Things that don’t need to be expressed. And for really the first time in my life I have developed regrets. After living almost 30 years I have not really regretted anything in my life. Sure I would have preferred not to have taken the pictures that ended up on craigslist. Sure there are few paths that I would have taken differently. But all in all I’ve been very proud of my life and how I’ve lead it. But lately I haven’t done much to be proud of. And that is about to change. I’m about to change my life in ways that I can’t even imagine. One of them will be with the blog. Sure I’m still going to blog… but I’m moving it back to a site when I can control who reads it. Sure I’m still going to post here now and then… But if you are interested in continuing to know what goes on in my crazy, neurotic, dramatic world let me know and I will add you to the list of who can read the full blogs… And until next time. This is Hardt signing off….

Happy Holidays!!!

Just Nic.

2008-12-23T02:39:00.000-08:00

My blog to me is personal. Now I know you probably laughed at that comment, especially seeing as it’s out there on the internet and for everyone to see. But it’s still my thoughts and feelings. Granted it’s an exaggeration of my thoughts and feelings. Never a lie, but there is about a 10% dramatization to make it more readable, and more enjoying. After all my life is fairly boring… and 90% of it is all me, raw me, honest me. When I first started blogging no one was really reading it so I was free giving away my address… but the more I blogged the more people started to read it, and the less free I started to be. I slowly started to take away the links. The links to my name. The links from my myspace page. The links from my facebook account. Slowly starting to chip away at who I am, and just leaving Hardt. This summer I really experience what it was like to date someone who has access to the blogs, he at first got a kick out of it and even posted comments about himself (and comments to people’s comments on him!)… Our only issue was at a wedding when he was outed for not only being a very prominent Mr, but for also being another very embarrassing one. He had me change his name so I could tell of a very very funny incident involving body wash and a bit of chaffing. But in the end I really hated that he was able to have access to my thoughts… especially when at times they were more dramatic than what they really were. After breaking up I said that I wouldn’t date anyone who knows about the blogs. But all the same I kept chugging away at the blogs, getting more and more use to having my day to day actions put into print. Writing about my dates. My sex-capades. Even my heartbreaks. But this week I learned that you can’t control who has access to your life… there are a couple of loop holes that do link my real life to my online one. I know them. Yet when I was asked repeatedly by someone this last week or so if there were links, I said no. Now that didn’t stop him from finding them… and it didn’t stop him from forwarding all my intimate thoughts on. Which wouldn’t seem like a betrayal to most, after all it’s already on the internet. But to me it really is… I don’t mind friends reading about my life (after all I tell them most of this stuff anyways), I don’t mind strangers knowing about my life (after all I know about so many strangers lives through there blogs it only seems fair that I reciprocate) but there is something about having other peoples friends read about your thoughts, and hopes and dreams… and the situation in which it was done just doesn’t sit well with me. I will not going into the specifics… both people have been reading the blogs and I don’t need to call them out… And I don’t know why he forwarded it on, or in what context it was…I can only imagine, and we all know I usually imagine the worst but for now this is Hardt signing off for a bit. And for the moment, leaving just a very exposed, raw and disappointed Nic.

"Are you happy?"

2008-12-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

My IM conversation today:
Mr. Green: So THAT'S who Mr. Uni is.
Hardt: Yup
Mr. Green: Are you Happy?

Out of the blue after not talking to Mr. Green for a bit I got an im today inquiring- Am I happy? I had to pause a moment when he asked. And when I pointed out that that was a loaded question. He simply stated: “No it’s not. It’s simple. Are you happy?” When asked what he wanted me to say he said: “ I wanted to hear you were happy with Mr. Uni. I’ve read your blogs and it seems like you are. I want to hear you say you were happy.” And I, like always, told him the truth: “Am I happy? Yes. Do I sometimes still miss you? Yes”… because sometimes the truth isn’t a simple yes or no answer. Because yes some days I do still miss him. I miss driving down to San Diego on random Tuesdays. I miss hanging out with him and his brother and his roommates. I miss lying in bed on Sundays doing not much besides watching TV and taking naps. I miss how he use to reach for me all the time, in the car, in the house, walking down the street. He always had to be touching me. There is something reassuring about that. I miss how he use to make me feel… but at the same time if he had called me up today and said I miss you, give me a second chance. I would without hesitation have said no. But that no didn’t make it any easier to hear today when he is “happy” that I am happy with someone else. I don’t know why he felt the need to ask. I didn’t ask him that… mainly because I don’t think he would have told me the reason, if he even really knows it himself. I don't know if I even really want to know the answer. I know he still reads the blogs, I had thought that that would die down. It hasn’t. I even told him that when he leaves for New Zealand for the next 2 weeks he will go through Hardt In The City withdralls, to which he told me: “Hahaha. No I will have internet there”. I’d like to think that he asked today because he doe still care about me. But that’s assuming that he ever really did care. And from where I sat the last couple of months I don’t think that he did. Yes he enjoyed the time we had together. I’m sure he misses the great sex that we had (I mean who wouldn’t miss that!). But actually miss ME. That I am not too certain about. But all of that really doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is that yes, I am happy. And yes I am happy with someone else. But more importantly I am happy with myself. And that is worth more than a world full of Mr.’s.

A night back in time, and the changes it brings.

2008-12-18T16:22:00.000-08:00

The other night Mr. Uni asked if Mr. Green knew that we were dating… To which I said, well he reads the blogs so he knows I’m dating but doesn’t know the details of it, nor does it bother him. But it got me to thinking about the night that we all hung out. And how much things can change in just a couple of short months. Over Labor Day weekend during one of my many trips to San Diego I had arranged a dinner with friends from High School. There was Mr. Uni, Mr. Green (although he didn’t go to school with us I was in my happy sex love bubble and brought him with me), Mr. High School Friend, Miss High School friend and her boyfriend. It was a nice dinner down in Pacific Beach. We had a great time catching up. And after dinner Mr. Uni, Mr. Green and I went to a bar down the street and continued to drink. A fun time was had by all, and I even remembering helping Mr. Uni send racy text messages to the “cougar” that he was dating at the time. Though if I remember correctly both Mr. U and Mr. G thought my text messages were just a bit too racy and had to be trimmed down a bit. If only guys realized that the girls that are dating usually have an even dirtier mind than they do!

Though in the months since things have changed. Mr. High School friend proposed to his girlfriend. Miss High School friend also got herself engaged. And of course Mr. Green and I broke things off… and as you are aware, and then surprisingly Mr. Uni and I started things up. All things I couldn’t have predicted back in September. But it got me to thinking about the changes that are in store in the next couple of months. All the surprised that await me. Some good, I’m sure. Some bad. And some that I probably can’t even begin to imagine. I have to say I’m excited for it. I’m ready for the change! So to the New Year, I saw BRING IT ON. Hardt is ready for whatever you’ve got for me.

Dating Mistake #1 of the year...

2008-12-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in posting the last couple of days… I know a few of you have been avidly checking the site to read the latest updates on my life. Really there are too many things to tell to put into one blog and at the same time nothing to tell… Some things right now are amazing… some are kind of sucky. And one is just a tad disappointing. But all of them I want to keep to myself for the time being… but for right now I’m going to examine one of the mistakes of the past…. I think I can pinpoint where I got off track this year. It was almost a year ago that I met Mr. Naked Bartender. And since I’ve verbally explained one too many times the mistakes of that relationship I thought I would let you physically see the mistake of that relationship. And with that I give you- Mr. Naked Bartender. WHAT WAS I THINKING? And yes this is one of his many new “promo” shots of his new tour- The Playgirl tour…

Grandmas, Vibrators and more!

2008-12-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

So last night out with some of my girls a friend shared a story about her mother. This story is equally hilarious and disturbing at the same time. So Mrs. Grandma came to Los Angeles with one of her friends (Mrs. Grandmas Friend) to visit her daughter. Now Mrs. Grandma isn’t your typical Grandma. Although she is 80, she’s fun, dirty, and loves sex (really she probably is going to be me in 50 years!). So she was lamenting that she can no longer have sex with her husband and it was decided they would all go to the Pleasure Chest for a visit and maybe find a solution to her problem. Needless to say these two 80 year old women had a nice giggle in the shop but Mrs. Grandma fell for a loverly Vibrator, in fact it was a replica of a “black cock”- words on the box, not mine! But she was a little worried taking it back in her suitcase in case her husband saw it so she asked her friend to carry it back with her and they would meet up later in the week and she could get it back. So the plan was followed through on, and a week later Mrs. Grandma had her new vibrator and was a very happy camper. Until this weekend. When Mrs. Grandmas Friend went for drinks and told her a confession. Apparently a couple of months ago when she brought the vibrator back with her she got a little curious. And did something that is NEVER acceptable. She tried out the vibrator. Washed it. And then put it back in the box. And returned it to Mrs. Grandma all good and new. Gotta love 80 year olds and the things they do!

Happy. Me. Yay.

2008-12-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

I’m going to start just by saying two simple words- I’m happy. Now those seem like easy words. And many of you are probably going, ok so what? But the thing is it’s been a really long time since I can honestly say I’m 100% happy (ok maybe only 90% but who’s counting!). After a really hard year it seems that things are finally getting back on track. I spent the summer sidetracked in a fantasy. I tried to hold on to something that was neither working nor what either of us really wanted because it was better to be living in a fantasy than have to deal with reality. And that summer fantasy rolled into fall in which reality can diving down on me (professional, personally and romantically). But I think it took that downfall to really wake me up to things in my life. Because sometimes when you look at all the things you don’t have you start to realize all the things that you do. .. and I began to realize for each thing on my list of what I thought my life would be like at 30 that I don’t have, there are at least 3 great surprises of things that I do have. Things that I couldn’t have imagined. And then all of a sudden like a snap things have started to get better. And then next thing you know I’m walking around with a smile on my face again. And I can’t really explain how it happened but this weekend it really just hit me. Happy. Me. YAY.

To High School and back again.

2008-12-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

When you first start seeing someone there is something to be said for just taking it slow and getting to know them… last night Mr. Uni came down to watch the Chargers Game with me. The game was good (the Chargers finally won one), we ordered a pizza, had some beers and just relaxed. And it felt very right. Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for 14 years but it felt nice to get to know each other on a different level. It’s easy to be comfortable with someone who has a shared history with you, we had similar high school experiences (mainly because we both were theatre geeks at the same high school), have common friends that have known us since way back when and heck he ever remembered who I went to homecoming with my Junior Year! And I have to say I’ve been having a really great time with him lately, just chilling, reminiscing about old times and of course some good old fashioned snogging. In fact I had forgotten just how much fun it can be to just make out with someone. When you get into a relationship you get into a pattern with sex. And no matter how great the sex is there is always a pattern. A little foreplay, a bit of sex, a nice orgasm and then you are done. Maybe a cuddle. Maybe just sleeping in your separate corners of the bed. But a good make out session can go all night. Now that’s not to say that Mr. Uni and I have been G rated… we definitely have gone into the Rated X category but like I use to say back at Uni, we so haven’t gone all the way… and I kind of like that. Now it hasn’t been for lack of him trying… but I’m enjoying taking it a bit slow (which has frustrated him a bit, but all in all he’s been a good sport). I’m just a little gun shy right now when it comes to men, relationships and (gasp) sex with someone new… And sometime a nice snog is a lot more satisfying than swinging from the rafters sex… not to say that I don’t want to have the sex with him… oh because especially after last night I so do. I’m just taking my time… and this time I think the wait is going to be worth it. Because this morning I definitely woke up with a smile on my face.

Bad sex and laughter!

2008-12-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good, you don't have it anymore; if it's bad, you just had sex with an ex." – Sex and The City

Last night I went for drinks with Mr. Wyoming. Which we all know spelled disaster right from the start. And boy was it once again. But not in the same way, but in the exact same way as always. Ok I know that doesn't make much sense but let me start from the beginning. Friends were worried about me going into drinks with him because of what he does to me emotionally. He's the one ex who can make me feel like shit. The one who makes me doubt everything about my life. Like I'm the one who just isn't good enough. This time I thought things would be different. Even though I don't have my life together I finally do have one piece to the puzzle that is always missing, myself. For the first time in a really long time (if ever) I've been feeling really good about myself. Thanks to Turbo Kick Boxing and a very rigorous dieting place I finally have gotten down to a weight that I thought was impossible. I mean who would have thought I'd go from a Large to an Extra Small! And every time we got back together I would be on some diet, and whenever I'd bring up my weight he'd always have some pointer on how I could lose it. See looking good is very important to him. He's an actor, spends hours in the gym and has one of the best bodies I've ever seen. So I though well here is my chance to show him just how fantastic I look… best way to describe what an ass he is, is that when he saw me his only comment on the weight I've lost was you've really lost most of your breast haven't you… um, geez thanks!

But back to last night… we met up and he was 3 drinks in by the time I got there… it was funny seeing him nervous. But after a couple more drinks, and some shots we were back to laughing like old times. Luckily spending time with him didn't remind me why we got together in the first place but just kept reminding me why we were not together… but of course I got a bit drunk. And he really does have these nice teeth (Yea A I really was grasping at straws at the point) so when he leaned in to kiss me, I thought what the hell. And when he suggested heading back to my place, I though well what the hell. And then I was reminded exactly why were are not together. The Sex… He's that guy that freaks out with sex. He's fairly good at it (usually), enjoys it while in the moment, but you come to the point where he's about to cum and he freaks out. And it's something that used to annoy me beyond belief, but sadly last night I just started laughing. I was like and this is why we are not together. Sure there maybe fun sex involved (just last night we included the bed, the floor, the bathroom counter) but really fun does not always equal good. And at the end of the night when it was all said and done I don't think it was the sex that was not so good, but really the person… But at least I can close the door on this chapter of my life. With no regrets. No angry words. No nostalgia. Just with a good laugh and yet another story of another ex…

This one’s for the girls… US!

2008-12-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

This is for all you girls about twenty-five
In little apartments just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and Spaghetti-Os
Wondering where your life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

I was going through my music, reorganizing it on my new computer (Whooo Hooo). And while I was doing that I started listening to a lot of songs that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. Some buck-o-nine, some real big fish, a little queen and then I came upon a song by Martina McBride that really just stuck with me. Because right now at 29 I know I don’t have my life figured out. I know I’m just one of those girls living on Dreams and Spaghetti-O’s (though with me it’s more like dreams and brie- but that doesn’t sound as dramatic) but I also know that I’m not the only one. This is the age when things change. When we all start to grow up. Our priorities shift. A job becomes a career, or if not then we go out searching for it. Apartments become condos and then houses… and all the stress that comes with it (E I can’t wait to have champagne in your new condo- whichever one it may be!). When stress about who we go home with on a Friday night gives way to who we want to wake up next to on our Sunday Mornings. Go from wanting someone to share a beer with occasional to sharing our bed with forever, complete with the 2.5 kids and dog… We’ve all had our hearts broken. And bounced back. That’s the thing about broken hearts, they hurt really bad at first, then it’s just kind of an ache as it grows back and then next thing you know you’ve given it to someone else and it’s bright and shiny and hopeful and just as good as new. And I especially know about loving without holding back… is there a song that can help me to learn how to hold back!!! We have gone from having our parents take care of us to being the one who comforts them. We start to lose friends and parents… But the one thing that is constant is the Dreams. I still wish on a star almost every night. Wish for small things, impossible things, heart retching things and sometimes just for a phone call… And sure most of the times they don’t come true, but that doesn’t stop me from looking for that star or tossing a penny into a fountain. Because without dreams and hope we really do have nothing. And I sit here this morning oddly full of hope. No nothing has happened to make me hopefully… but lately I have been giving up on it, and I think that might be why it’s given up on me. So instead I’m going to be the rosy optimist and say the words that make me want to throttle someone- It’s all going to be all right. And this one is for MY girls. The ones that are dealing with mid life crisis’s. Losing Jobs. Loved Ones. Family. Trying to find that perfect place to live. Trying to have those 2.5 kids. Dealing with yet another ass that broke your heart. Getting over the last relationship. Moving on with someone new. Trying to find your niche in the world. All that I have to say is this we truly are “going to make it after all” because we are all going to find what we are looking for... because there's gotta be something more!

My Ghosts of Christmas…

2008-12-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

My Horoscope today: You will be presented with two choices, both of which are really tempting. You can’t choose both, so pick the one that’s best in the long-term…

I had to laugh this evening when I read my horoscope… They got it partially right. There are actually three choices this week in fact. Tonight I embark on 3 ex’s in 3 days. I don’t know why all 3 have been brought back into my life, though Mr. Ex really has never left, but I’m willing to put it in fates hands and find out what my 3 ex’s have to offer… In fact looking at my choices it really is the ghosts of Christmas Past… though what scares me is this thought- if they really are my ghost then does that make one the ghost of Christmas past, one the ghost of Christmas present, and the final one the ghost of Christmas future.

Tonight’s the easy ghost… Mr. Ex. As you are well aware I’ve been dating him for the last couple of months and things are going really well. Things just are easy between us. There isn’t any drama. There isn’t any confusion. Just two great friends that like to keep each other company romantically in-between relationships and platonically when we are in relationships. Tonight is just a simple night. A Movie. A fire. A nice bottle of wine…

Tomorrow’s ghost is a little more complicated, Mr. Wyoming. His relationship and mine was never easy. We truly did fight but then make up in the most spectacular fashion… already I can see the spark between us. But mainly because we really do just drive each other crazy. Already since we’ve started talking there has been drunken messages and an apology (him to me) and we haven’t even seen each other yet! He's one that will never be my future or my present... but it would be nice to be able to put all of our past where it belongs, in the past.

The last ghost I’m keeping to myself for a bit.. Don’t worry he’s not complicated at all. Though I wouldn’t say he’s easy either. He’s right in-between… and I think he scares me the most. Maybe because he’s one that I’ve always had unfinished business with. One of the few that didn't break my heart!

Over the last week I’ve had to deal with a different set of three boys. One that I’m sadly still in love with, one that I’ve become more and more enamored with as I've gotten to know him, and one that I’ve found I’m very sexually compatible with. Three different boys. And those three also can be catagorized as past, maybe future, and present. But no matter what there seem to be way too many ghosts hanging around in my head (and my bedroom) for me to really move toward that future.

But none-the-less I sit here and wonder what my ghosts will bring this week… I know they really won’t bring my future. And I know I need to stop looking into my past. It always just ends up hurting me… Case in point this weekend. There is something about being told that you are not only replaceable but tradable that really gets to a girl… Never thought of myself as a trading card, and I never hope to again. I just hope I was worth the trade… But for now I’m looking into the future… maybe it will have my past, maybe not. But for now I’m going to just enjoy the next three days. Let’s just hope the fates don’t end up laughing at me when it’s all said and done.

The future Mrs. Scottsdale Trophy Wife.

2008-11-30T09:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out with Mr. Neighbor… yea I know, adding another man to the mix. I swear to God it’s like moths to a flame lately (though my mom is starting to think it’s more like lambs to the slaughter!) I don’t think I’ve ever dated this much, in fact it’s getting pretty ridiculous. This was my third date in a week! I’m dating exhausted… but that’s not the point of the story, let me get back to Mr. Neighbor. Now Mr. N’s parents have lived next door to mine for 10 years now. So we’ve seen each other in passing. And he has a 7 year old daughter who is in love with my dad more than you can imagine. So every time they come to visit her grandma they call over to my parents to see if she can also come over and play with Chuck. But in the past 10 years I don’t think I’ve had more than a handful of conversations with him so when he called this week I was a little taken aback, and that’s an understatement. In fact when he called I thought he was going to ask me to babysit, so when he suggested taking me out to dinner I was quite in shock. As was my mother who was crying she was laughing so hard. And don’t get me wrong he’s very nice, in his mid 30’s, attractive, has a nice body, has a great job… but when it comes down to it just not my type. But as I was a little shell shocked when he asked I agreed to dinner. In fact I think my actual response was: “Um, Ok?”

But actually last night turned out to be really nice. I didn’t think that we would have much in common but turns out that we both share a love for wine and Ohio Football, and oddly enough that kept us talking for most of the night. What I had assumed to be just dinner ended up being dinner and then a really cool jazz wine bar… and the evening ended a surprisingly short 6 hours later. And I have to say it was nice to have someone take me out and make a reservation (instead of take out!). And after all the doubt with my love life lately it was really nice to sit down and have someone tell me how amazing I look (he’s seen me at my WORST and was very polite about it saying well not that you didn’t look great before but you really look amazing now) and to have dinner with someone who appreciates just how much fun I can be. So all in all it was great wine, good food, and fun company. And maybe there wasn’t a love match… But I wasn’t look for one. As I’ve mentioned before there is someone who is a possible love match back in Los Angeles (and yes it’s still too soon for me to give too many details. I learned my lesson last time! You guys will just have to guess which Mr. has been stealing my heart! Hint he is mentioned in the blogs). But what I left with was a fun new friend to hang out with when I’m in town. He wants to get together when I’m back in a couple of weeks, and that I’m more than ok with.

Midgets, Wheels O Alcohol and 40’s…

2008-11-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

I haven’t done a bar review on my other blog for a couple of months now… but the bar from last night really deserved getting a write up. First you have to know that I have a tendency to get into trouble when I get into Arizona. Mainly because Mr. Arizona and I use to party the weekends away (oh the memories!). And we had our bar (Handle Bar J’s) that we went to every time, but we also have a selection of additional bars that we would rotate in (Dirty Dogs, Dos Gringos, Sugar Daddies, Martini Ranch) so it’s not surprising that I’ve had a hard time going to those places without him. Just too many memories of the tow of us. So last night when Jamie suggested a different bar I was all for it, and boy was I glad that I did! So here is my review of naughtiest bar in Scottsdale- Gilligan’s Sand Bar.

Location- 4 Shots. Just off of Scottsdale Road and located right in the middle of Old Town Scottsdale this place has a perfect location. Great for after dinner or before heading down to the road to Dos Gringos. Plus I was able to get rock star parking out front so I was very happy!

Atmosphere- 4 shots. When you first walk in it looks like any other dive bar. Until you start to look around. There is the “shot” corner that is manned by midgets (I KID YOU NOT). There are two separate wheels, one that is just a wheel o booze and the other one that is a wheel o shots. There are two beer pong tables in the back corner. A man in an Obama Mask… oh the list goes on and on with the craziness of this bar. The only thing that was missing was a Beer Louge though I wouldn’t put it past them!

Drinks- 4 shots. Alcohol is cheap… they have multiple beer in UBER LARGE SIZE for only 7 dollars and pitchers for 7.50! Plus if you want to try the wheel o shots it’s only 3 dollars for a shot or 7 dollars for 3!!! Add the 99 cent Jello shots and you have all the ingredients for a really drunken fun night!

Food- 4 shots. The food was large, comforting, fattening, and cheap! If you are looking for something healthy than this is not the place for you. But if you are drunk and looking for some really damn good cheese fries than head on over! No kidding when I say that plate of fries was the size of a large TV.

Bartenders- 4 Shots. Although I didn’t try any mix drinks there were some attractive bartenders and I have to say they were entertaining. There was a microphone and they were yelling totally non-pc insulting things (kind of reminded me of Dicks but EXTREME)… and since I was never picked on I thought it was pretty damn funny!

All in all I have to say a pretty funny evening… and you know it was a fun night when I made quite a few drunken calls and text messages. Sorry to all of you that got the holy goodness it’s a midget ones… Thanks Jamie for a new fun place to visit when I’m in town. And next trip I plan on seeing you all out there spinning that wheel with me and the midgets!

Life of a Standby Traveler on the busiest day of the year… AKA Hardt Hates Holiday Travel

2008-11-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

4:30am Alarm goes off
4:35am Coffee
4:45am Second Cup of Coffee
5:30am Arrive at airport. Excited because there is no line at the kiosk so I can check in right away. Insert credit card into the machine- NO RESERVATION it says. Ok, I try looking it up by last name- NO RESERVATION it says. So I proceed directly to the ticket counter. YAY a reservation, turns out my mom couldn’t spell our last name right, it was just hart.
5:45am Stand in the longest line ever for security. Outside. Smack dab in the middle of a puddle. In the rain. With no umbrella. Yea I can already tell this is going to be a great day.
6:00am Make it through security, but am the asshole in the security line that forgot my cell phone in my pocket. Hold up line. Currently everyone is loving me!
6:30am First oversold flight takes off without me. Not a seat to be had… and of course all the monitors are out so I have to treck back through security to find out where my next gate is.
8:00am Third oversold flight of the day takes off, yea you can see a pattern here. Though have been enjoying watching all the angry people at the airport. Who can be this angry at only 8 in the morning! Though I have to say I don’t think it is wise to be an asshole to the ticket agents, especially if you are the one who is an hour late for your flight. But of course he got the last seat on the plan so maybe there is something to this yelling thing after all! Officially hate holiday travel!
8:15am Sitting outside waiting for Super Shuttle to take me from LAX to John Wayne Airport in Orange County. There is a seat on a plane for me...YAY!
8:20am Wondering if it’s too early for a drink?
8:30am Finally on the shuttle bus and we are listening to Christmas music. Things are looking up!
10:00am At John Wayne Airport, FINALLY. 2nd Airport. 2nd Security check point. And a new observation- these new divisions for security check points (family, casual and expert) really do not work. At both airports this morning the shortest lines were the family and liquid lines, and the longest lines were the expert traveler one (and everyone except me had liquids. To which I say- READ THE FREAKIN SIGNS PEOPLE!). But on a bright note I managed to gash my wrist with the ring I am wearing, so now am dripping blood and look like I attempted to kill myself!
11:11am Finally on airplane… getting very very sleepy… nap time!
11:30am Woken up from nap by the most insane turbulence. Half asleep but hear call button and emergency… at this point I’m ready to assume my position with my head between my legs and say a few hail marys if necessary.
1:15pm Finally off the airplane. Kiss the ground in Phoenix and am stumbling to the bar…

Happy Holidays to everyone! This blog was in place of my very hurt and finally very furious one. I realized that as much as I’d like to publish that blog I know I shouldn’t do it while I’m still mad (and boy am I finally ever mad)… and although everyone thinks it’s time that I finally say what I really think (instead of just taking all the shit that had been given to me) and although at first it seemed really good to be able to air the non-edited, non-better person, non-push over blog… I realized in the spirit of the holidays I won’t. Because really in the long run, he so isn’t worth my time. And yes he still reads the blogs at an alarming rate (and no that’s not the reason that I’m not going to give him the good tongue lashing that he deserves). And yes it would feel good for that moment, but in the long run that’s not who I am. I’m not vindictive. I’m not mean. And yes there is part of me that doesn't want him to even know that I do occasionally still think of him, because despite his obsessive checking of my blog just to see if he's still making an appearance I know that he doesn't still think of me... And sometimes you just have to let go… and I think I finally have.

Fuck Buddy. Friend or Foe?!?!

2008-11-23T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have to say it’s been a very interesting weekend… full of fun, surprises, propositions, and laughter… It’s been the first weekend in a really long time that I really felt like myself again. And I have a few people to thank for that, some old friends, some new friends, and even one really old friend. Sometimes when you are down you just need to go back to your roots a bit… and boy did I ever go back to my roots. My San Diego roots. Back to the days when the most stressful thing was a play rehearsal. And Saturday nights were spent at Soma listening to Buck-O-Nine and Aqua Bats. To when hooking up meant kissing (and sorry boys but I still am sticking with what I said last night- hooking up still means kissing!). And back in the days when we were all home by midnight because of curfew (and not because we had hit 7 bars in less than 12 hours!).

But of course with the ups there was a bit of a down. And as we know there are many ways to make me feel like shit lately.One of them is to suggest we become fuck buddies. It’s one thing to want to date and then have sex with me. But to actually say you don’t know if you want to date me but damn you want to fuck me. Now that’s a little insulting. And yes we know I’ve settled for that in the past (and haven’t we all at some point)… but really if you don’t want all of me you shouldn’t be able to get any of me. That’s the how strongly I feel about this at the moment. And sure I’m a flirt… and I will flirt and tease back with the best of them. Because hell yea that’s fun… but when it comes down to it I’m looking for a bit more. You may ask where this rant came from… well lets just say I’ve had some interesting propositions lately. And luckily (and some might find shockingly) I have found someone who wants to give me everything that I want so it’s easy for me to sit on my high horse and say sorry kids all those illicit propositions I don’t need them… I think maybe that’s why these seem even more ridiculous. Hell I even was propositioned by a friend of someone I had been dating… which the only thing I have to say is this (and yes Peanut Gallery- YOU WARNED ME) but nothing tells you how little you meant to someone when their friends start asking you out… Flattering at first, yes. But I have to say the idea of just passing around someone is really kind of insulting… shame on you boys. And yes I said boys because there has been more than just one of this particular Mr.’s friends that have seen fit to let me know that they are more than willing to fill his shoes… But luckily for me I’ve traded in for a new pair… and these new shoes are fitting me just perfectly!

Pitchers. Shots. Shooters. And more… (Go Buckeyes!)

2008-11-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I had plans to watch the college football games with Mr. Uni and some of his guy friends, who we will call Michigan, Sir Marks-A-lot and Brooding. There was a 4th but really he made no impression on me and we left him at one of the bars anyways… and although most girls would think that spending a Saturday afternoon with 5 drunken guys watching football was one of the top levels of hell, I think of that as paradise. So off I was… on a little adventure. And boy did I find it… Here is a play by play of last night, or at least what I remember of it. And yes sadly there are some points that are a little blurry!

Bar #1- The Shack
Now the Shack was my pick for afternoon bar mainly because it’s an Ohio State Bar (go Buckeyes) but looking back it probably wasn’t the wisest choice seeing as I sent in there a group of not only Michigan fans but a former Michigan football player. Needless to say they got called out of the bar pretty much on entry.

Bar #2- Sonny McLean’s.
Happens to be caddy corner from The Shack so it was the logical next choice. At that point I became well acquainted with Michigan and Sir Marks-a-lot and their tactic of picking up women. Sir Marks-a-lot has a sharpie and Michigan has two arms that he asks woman to draw on. I kid you not! At that point I realize that they have been drinking non-stop since the 9am kickoff of the Ohio-Michigan game. So my choice was to sit there and be annoyed or to catch up. I’m sure you can guess which one I choose. And a pitcher of beer later I was starting to enjoy watching them get turned down…

Bar #3- Busbys
Now this is where the day starts to get a bit fuzzy. Mind you it’s not even 5 at this point and already we are on our way to getting trashed. And what better way than with lots and lots of shots and shooters… oh yes my friend this is where judgment goes out the window. I had to know I was in for trouble when after our 4th round of shots in about a half hour Mr. Uni turns to me and says- ok from this point on I can’t be held accountable for what happens… um ok. And of course you guessed it. This is where both of us seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to make out. At. A. Bar. Oh don’t snicker, you know you’ve been there before! Now this is where we met up with Miss Lip. Yay another girl…but of course she was very nice but not much of a personality. So much that when we left Busbys to drop off Sir Marks-a-lot to change it wasn’t until we were at his place did we realize we had left her at the bar and had to go back. Once again, I kid you not!

Michigan’s Apartment
Needing a break from the bars at around 7 we went back to Michigan’s Apartment where of course you guessed it, had more booze. And of course got to christen the couch ;) There also was a little freestyle be-bopping with the neighbors on the way out… yes it really was one of the most random nights I’ve had in a long time!

Bar #4- South
One of my favorites so you know this bar of course had to make an appearance. And now this is the part of the evening when Michigan thought I too needed a tattoo so yes I woke up this morning and was like why the hell do I have Zonie written on my arm! Now after some dancing and some more kissing we were off to another bar. But not before we ran into Miss High School. Now this was the part of the evening that I actually found really amusing. We sat there and watched her attach herself to Mr. Uni. But while I was like ok I don’t need to compete. After all it wasn’t like I had to guess which one he wanted to go home with… But his friends and Miss Lip were very upset by her. Michigan came over to me and was like who is she and why is she all over Mr. Uni. You obviously are “his girl” and it’s crazy how into you he is so why is he even bothering with her. His words not mine. But at this point I just laughed… So Michigan and Miss Lip decided we needed to head out to another bar in order to ditch her. Though at the same time we lost the rest of their friends. We think they were still at the bar but really we were all so drunk it didn’t matter! So off we go without Miss High School.

Jack In The Box
We had been drinking all day so of course I needed food in my stomach to drink some more!!! Sourdough Jack you really are my GOD!

Bar #5- The gaslite
Karaoke bar. Enough said.

Bar #6- The Parlor
Way too long of a line. We give up and head home.

Now we all know that when I drink I shouldn’t be allowed to be in possession of the phone… so on the way back to my place I ended up in fun drunk text conversations with both Mr. Green Sr. and Mr. Green Sr.’s Former Roommate (GSFM)… How I miss my San Diego boys who both were just as trashed as I was. Good to know I’m not the only drunk out there on my Saturday night! And even a 3am text message from Mr. Baby R… goodness the drunken texts sure were flying last night!

So here I sit on my Sunday afternoon a little bit hungover, ok maybe a lot hungover still laughing at the events of last night. Sure there are parts I’ve forgotten, and you know there are parts that I can’t (or should I say won't) put into the blog but for the most part those were the basics of last night. And I take one thing from this experience, I might be able to hang with the boys, though I probably shouldn’t… but damn was it ever fun!

Sometimes we just need some rose colored glasses

2008-11-22T13:18:00.000-08:00

This morning while trying to put the final touches on a new blog (top 10 reasons why unemployment sucks) I started to poke around on the Internet and found an article that horrified me. A college student committed suicide live on a web cam over the weekend. Now I’m not going to link the website (in which the camera was only turned off when the police arrived to already find him dead) because I don’t think this guy deserves any more publicity. But here’s the thing, he not only died on camera but there were people that actually watched and were making comments on it while it was happening. And that’s the part that horrifies me the most. The fact that all these people had the ability to save this young kids life and instead they took time to make jokes and debate if he really had taken enough pills to die. I can’t imagine what this kid was going through, but obviously it was a cry for help and he was hoping that someone would save him. And no one cared enough about another human’s life to do anything about it. Mind you there were some that eventually did call the police, but only after it was too late. 12 hours after he said he was going to kill himself. And the website administrators were finally notified and were the ones to deal with the police. But you would think that they would have shut down the site, but no they not only allowed it to continue as people watching a college student already dead but they now have published photos and the video of what happened. The entire thing just disgust me on so many levels

It really got me to thinking that there is just so much negativity in the world. So much cynicism. So much narcissism… really sometime all we need is just a hug and to be told everything is going to be all right. Well I can’t tell you that… and I don’t think my virtual hug is going to help much… so instead of my sarcastic tongue and cheek blog I was writing I’m going to post something a little different. Here is a list of everything that makes me smile. Ok it’s a little sappy. But sometimes we just need to turn up the optimism. So sitting here on my Saturday morning here’s everything that can bring a smile to my face. Maybe it will bring one to yours too. Maybe you will just sneer at it. Who knows. But for me, I’m going out with a grin!

- Evenings with my girlfriends full of laughter, wine, and cheese (Love you Janice, you rock!)
- Sex on a lazy Saturday morning… Mmmmm enough said on that one!
- Afternoons spent on the beach with just a surfboard and a beer.
- A Hug from my mother
- A good book on a rainy afternoon
- Bruises and bite marks after a good weekend :)
- Sunday evenings spent in front of a fire, with a movie and someone to cuddle with.
- Saying I love you, and meaning it!
- The beep of a text message
- The first kiss, that really good one.
- A good debate.
- Cards in the mail. I get so much junk mail so that when someone sends me a card I’m in heaven… and if it’s a postcard from an exotic locale I will love them forever.
- Holding hands walking down the street
- Being able to fit into a size jeans smaller than the last I bought
- Shoes. Best way to cheer me up is take me shoe shopping. Just put me in a pair of fuck me heels and I’m sold!
- Mimosas. Any day of the week!
- A good scary movie and someone whose lap I can jump into when I’m scared.
- When someone kisses the back of my shoulder when I’m sleeping…
- Skinny dipping.
- Watching the sun set over the ocean. Any ocean.
- A new hit on my blog.
- My camera… damn do I ever love taking pictures!
- Kickboxing. There is something about boxing all your demons out that really makes me smile!
- Finding 5 dollars in last years winter coat
- Getting a person on the phone instead of a recording when you call customer service.
- And pretty much anything involving my family and friends!!!

So go forth on your Saturday and smile to your hearts desire because there always is tomorrow to be cynical and jaded. Why not spend one day with your rose colored glasses on!

A Single girl. And her pheromones.

2008-11-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

It seems guys can sense when you are looking for a relationship… they also can sense when you are not. It’s this weird 6th sense radar kind of thing that I can’t explain let alone understand. These last 2 weeks I have eerily become more and more aware of it. After a tumultuous year (to say the least!) I have been kind of looking forward to settling down with myself and figuring out my life. Ok maybe not LOOKING forward to it as much as it’s been thrust on me, but it is time to make some changes. And trying to avoid a third disaster in 2008 I figured I needed to go along this path without the help of a boy… well turns out the fates are laughing at me now. Because right now it is the wrong time to meet someone and it seems that men are being thrown at me left and right. Cute guy at the gym that I always see- of course he wants to take me to dinner. Bar owner at one of my favorite bars that I like to flirt with- oh right you want to take me out for drinks one night when you aren’t working. Mr. Ex whom I have finally settled into a very satisfying non-relationship with, you want to make some changes to that too… I kid you not it seems like everywhere I turn I’m meeting someone. The phone is beeping with text messages constantly, always from a guy wanting to know what I’m up to tonight, what am I doing this weekend… and I have to say if I wasn’t so miserable I would actually be enjoying it. Ok maybe I am enjoying it a bit. But the only thing I have to say to the fates is this, where was this a month ago? Where was this in August?

The sad thing is that there is one who has brought the smile back to my face in the last couple of weeks… one who for a long list of reasons I cannot (though really want to) date. One who very much has his light on. And I have to say it kind of sucks. Because finally all the right guys are being thrust at me and for once it’s me that’s not ready… Looks like for once I’m the one whose light is not on! And that is just plain frustrating!

Rejections and Roses

2008-11-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

I’ve spent the last couple of days looking intensely for a job. Ok lets be honest I’ve spent the last 9 months looking for a job. There I’ve said it, it’s been 9 months without a job. Yes I’ve found in between jobs… I’ve temped, bartender, taught swim lessons, taught surf lessons, sold half of my worldly (and not so worldly possessions). It’s weird to think I’ve been out of work this long. And I think day by day I’m slowly going crazy. I annoy all my friends endlessly with my constant emails and im’s and facebook messages. Not to mention status updates and blogs. But when you have tons of time to kill every day what else are you going to be doing but obsess endlessly about little things… and every little thing- over and over and over again. Sorry guys, I’m going to try harder- I PROMISE. So I though I would start a weekly Who Hates Hardt post… here are the companies that have rejected me recently (and these are only the ones I’ve interview with because if I was to post all the ones I have sent resumes to I think we would be here until Spring!)

1) CBS Programming. Well technically they haven’t rejected me (yet) just postponed our interview a week. But if they really wanted me to work for them they would have wanted me to come in this week- not next!
2) The Office. And actually this is my 2nd time being rejected from them. If they call me for a 3rd position I’m saying NO! I was actually told in the interview that they couldn’t hire me because I had TOO MUCH EXPERIENCE.
3) Lie to Me. They seemed to love me. Asked me to come in for a second interview and they would call me later in the day with the time. Never called. I emailed to check up and they said they already hired someone.
4) A Dive bar in Redondo Beach. Turns out I don’t have enough Bartending experience… come on people I’m beginning to feel like Goldi-freakin-locks!
5) Executive Producer of former hit fox comedy that is now being made into a hit Sony Picture. Ok this one I haven’t officially been rejected from yet so I can’t put what show it actually is, but I’m losing hope here so assuming I won’t get the job.
6) Very Famous Film Producer. But would have to relocate to Georgia and was a little wary on what he expects from his assistant that he wants to pay almost $100,000 for!

Well that’s all for now… though with more interviews set up I’m sure we can add more rejections to the pile.

A Public Apology

2008-11-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone,

I got a comment yesterday on my other blog (www.hollywoodcocktailsanddreams.com) asking why I had stopped blogging. I use to have a Happy Hour of the Week trying out new bars and then suddenly I lost my spark for it. Over the last couple of months I’ve tried to pick it back up and I just haven’t been able to. And I really don’t know why not. It just seems like in the last couple of months I’ve just lost hope. And for some reason drinking half prices margaritas on the beach and writing about it was somehow painful. Yea I know I’m a little crazy, but that’s why you all love me. And I just couldn’t seem to get out of this funk. And the more I couldn’t get out of this funk the less I was able to write about drinking and good times. And then I started to go back and forth to San Diego all the time and it seemed that that was all I could think about. And yes we all go into our head sometimes and leave reality… well lets just say Hardt checked out for a bit. And it’s not something I’m proud off… and it’s taken me these last couple of weeks to look back on all that’s happened the last couple of months (personal, professionally, romantically) and really just get that swift kick in the head that I needed. I’ve become not only a person I don’t recognize but one that I really don’t like that much. So I am using this as my public apology to my friends and my readers. For my readers- I’m sorry you’ve had to read about me drone on and on about my life- usually the same thing day in and day out (No Job, No Money, Why doesn’t he want to be with me, Is my stomach getting bigger, bla bla bla bla)…I know I’ve lost my spark but it’s slowly coming back and I think you will be happy for the changes to come! And for my Friends- I can’t apologize enough for all those nights you’ve had to listen to me drone on and on, all those episodes of crying (I think breaking into tears in the middle of kickboxing really was the low point!), rehashing the same problems over and over and fixating on the wrong ones. I know I’ve been impossible to be with and have taken you guys for granted one too many times. But you guys have been there with liquor, food, theatre tickets, spa days, work out sessions, nights on the town flirting, places to crash, sex, hugs, you name it and you’ve come through the last couple of months. And all I have left to say is this- I’M BACK. I’m still numb to a lot of things in my life and I’m sure I will have a set back (or two) but I’m ready to make some serious changes. Now sadly those changes may be in Phoenix (I sure hope not but more details to come) but I think I’m ready for them. Hopefully in the weeks to come I can remind you why you fell in love with me in the first place. Feel free to join me on the beach for margaritas or even just enjoy reading about it… because it’s not just happy hour of the week it’s going to be happy Hardt, all the time!

You loving,
Hardt

PS And for those haters out there who don’t really love Hardt… all I can say is this- you don’t have to read the blogs. If you don’t like what I have to say- don’t read them. If you really don’t like who I am- Don’t read them. And if the only reason you read them is to see your own name in print- please don’t read them. I pour my heart and soul out on these pages, and they may seem petty, or trivial, or pathetic to some. The maybe be something you laugh over and forward to your buddies... But hey it’s my heart… please don’t trample on it anymore. But on the other hand if you do love Hardt and do care about my trivial, petty, and pathetic day to day life- Read. Enjoy. Love.

My first hate mail!

2008-11-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

“Shut up drink wench and get me another drink. Fucking slag!”
Mr. Hater

So yesterday I got my first hate mail… kind of exciting! Now of course I’ve gotten “reviews” on things I’ve written about, many of my friends like to point out my numerous spelling errors and a few have commenting that they didn’t like the way they were portrayed. But all around I’ve only gotten positive feedback. So it was a little off putting yesterday to get a short email from someone I don’t know about a blog that was not controversial (Hardts Bar Ettiquite) and the email was just so eloquent I thought you could benefit from his wisdom, so I thought- why not post his loverly 2 lines complete with his photo… because seriously if you are going to call me a “fucking slag ” and include your photo you can be damn sure I’m going to post it! So I give you Mr. Hater:

Hardt to the rescue!

2008-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

In between drinks with Mr. Distraction and waiting for Mr. Ex to get off of work I decided to spend my free hour at the gym. Yea I know you can yell at me now for double booking my evening. But in my defense Mr. Distraction knows the score and spent two nights this week listening to me drone on and on about someone else. So really there was only one Mr. tonight… and lately Mr. Ex has turned into a bit more than I thought it would be. Which is really nice and really scary at the same time… though I have to say it’s also really nice to have someone wake me up in the mornings for morning sex (Oh how I’ve missed that!) but I digress… back to the gym. So there I was working out my daemons, which I’ve had a tendency to do. And 30 minutes and a little over 4 miles later I could feel them being exorcised I noticed the woman next to me was making little squeaking sounds. When I looked over she looked like one of those cartoons with her feet going so fast, it was almost like the roadrunner. Complete with little beep beep noises. Except that when I took out my headphones I noticed that it wasn’t beep beep coming out of her mouth but help me help me. I of course asked the obvious, Um are you ok. She looked at me like here’s you sign… but calmly said no I can’t stop. So I reached over and pulled the emergency stop button for her and then calmly continued on my run. Though really it was more of a sprint tonight… I couldn’t get the machine to go fast enough for me tonight, though that’s probably good because it seemed like every time I got under a 9-minute mile my pants would start to fall off. Turns out if you add double workouts and little to no food due to stress and constant nausea you will lose double the amount of weight. So after my 5 miles I decided to take my newly tight ass body and my lifesaving skills and treat them to a nice cup of frozen yogurt. After all, I’m going to need a little energy if I want to make it through my second workout tonight :)

Hardts Bar Etiquette

2008-11-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

A bartender: A noun. A person who mixes drinks at a bar.

A Stripper: A noun. A person who strips or performs a striptease.

A Hooker: A noun. A prostitute.

I think the time has come to point out to people that there is a difference, a very large difference between A Bartender, A Stripper, And a Hooker. Now I know that most people would be able to see a difference right away. One being that I neither show my breasts nor have sex with my customers but somehow people have gotten confused. That being said here is my list Bar Etiquette… somehow people seem to have forgotten the basics.

-Your bartender/server/host/busboy is probably making minimum wage and relies heavily on your tips. Now I know that you say you do not get tips at your job. And that’s fine, but I’m also pretty sure you get paid more than 8-10 dollars an hour, have health insurance, paid sick days, 2 weeks vacation and don’t get harassed on an hourly basis. So here’s the thing, if you do not believe in tipping- then you shouldn’t be drinking at a bar! Generally it should be a dollar a drink. Now when you buy a beer for 3.50, it is nice if you just give the 1.50 as a tip but 1 dollar would be fine, 50 cents IS NOT acceptable. Now if you are drinking multiple rounds, keep tipping! Unless you want to give 20 dollars as your first tip it is not acceptable to think after giving your measly dollar you don’t have to tip for the rest of the evening.

-Even if your drink is free- you still have to tip. Even if think the bartender is your best friend- you still have to tip. A class act is the owners of the bar I work at- when they come in and order they still tip me every time! The thing to remember is you still have to tip. So if I hand you your change and you walk away you better bet I’m putting a voodoo curse on your cheap ass.

-If you want an evening at a strip club that’s your choice. Yet when you walk into a sports bar DO NOT EVER ask the bartender or waitress to show you their breasts. That is not acceptable EVER.

-I have a name, though I understand you not knowing it. And that’s fine. If you want my attention and feel the need to scream across the bar a simple Miss will work. Bartender, Hey You, Wench (I kid you not I got that one last night), Honey, Sexy, Sugar- none of those are proper names to call someone. It is also not acceptable to whistle or snap.

-I basically get paid to be nice to you. Sure I smile and maybe even flirt a bit-though mostly I’m thinking please remember to tip me. Don’t confuse me being nice to meaning I want to take you home with me. Remember first and foremost you might be in a bar but I am at work. Now I know some bartender have no problem using the job to pick up people, but the majority of us DO NOT USE WORK AS A DATING SERVICE. So please do not ask me if you can cook me dinner, take me out, cheer me up, take me home…

-We all have our bad days too. Some days our minds are on other things. So if we ask your order for the second time or give you the wrong drink. Just let us know politely… because yelling that this is wrong isn’t the way to go. It’s the way to get someone to spit in your drink. Now I actually would never do that (I’m a big believer in Karma) but I know many of your bartenders/waiters/servers that do!

-Almost no one that is serving you a bar or restaurant wants to be doing that for the rest of their lives. Please don’t ask oh did you go to school? Oh why aren’t you working in Film anymore? Have you though about doing (fill in the blank)? Because trust me we have. And are trying to do (fill in the blank). So please don’t make us feel any worse about it than we already do. And don’t be surprised to hear that many of us have gone to the top Universities. Yes I work in a bar. Yes I have blonde hair. No I am not stupid or dumb. So don’t treat me that way. And talking down to me will only ensure that the guy next to you will get his drink first next time.

-Don’t expect free drinks or tell me about how you use to get a free drink after you ordered free ones. Sure I know it’s nice to get a free drink but some of us are accountable for our liquor. At my bar they even count the empty bottles so at the end of the evening when I end up with more beer bottles than are paid for I have to account for that. Trust me bar managers know how much liquor is being paid for and how much is given away free. And you might be grumbling that you had to pay for all your alcohol, but hey bartenders have to worry about paying for their bills and without a job that’s next to impossible.

That being said for as many horrible customers that we have, there are three times as many really nice customers out there that make us smile and make the day seem not so bad. And despite the many complaints I have to do like bartending. It’s fun to meet all kinds of different people and hear their crazy stories. And trust me there are some CRAZY ones. And it sure as hell beats having to work in retail or sit in front of a desk all do just hating life. So just remember, while you are out there having fun there is someone working pretty damn hard to make that happen. So smile at us, be patient, and tip large!

And then the string snapped.

2008-11-18T20:26:00.000-08:00

I’m going to start by saying I’M SICK OF HAVING SHITTY DAYS… ok maybe I’m yelling it. At the top of my lungs. With a very large class of wine in my hands. But seriously people this has been another shitty day. Actually most of the day was great… and then of course something happened. Like it always does. And then all of a sudden, shitty. So here is my list of everything that I am sick of right now… and I know that when I post things everyone thinks I’m talking about them, but the truth of the matter is I’m usually not. And no this isn’t about YOU. I love you. I think you are amazing. Of course you didn’t make me cry. Why would you think I was mad at you? Though now that you are bringing it up is there a reason why you think I’m talking about you? Are you feeling guilty for something? Yea I know I do that too… and yea I get it you are sick of listening to me complain about THAT. But really this isn’t about you. It’s about them. So here it is…

I am sick of…
-Feeling like shit
-Customers. Enough said.
-Being treated like a hooker, piece of ass, striper, dumb blonde (I have a freakin BFA from one of the top universities in this country for goodness sake)
-Having my breasts talked to…I have eyes in my head not just nipples on my breasts.
-My stomach… for God Sake I work out every freakin day why isn’t it going away!
-Not having money… and having to have my friends buy me coffee, lunch, alcohol, food, whatever. I love you all for it but I just feel like shit every time I have to say- I can’t afford that.
-Putting gas into my car. It might be cheap now but I feel like I am still throwing money away left and right for it.
-Crying… seriously it use to be cute that I cried at the drop of a hat, now it seems like all I do is cry.
-Falling in love with men who don’t give a flying rat’s ass about me.
-Not having internet or cable right now. I just want to curl up on my couch and not have to be squatting in the only corner in my room that I sometimes good internet at.
-Being misunderstood. Also can add people reading my blogs and then being mad at me. I’M SORRY I need a place to vent.
-Being made to feel like shit because I don’t have a boyfriend, a child, a white picket fence…
-Not having a job. This is ri-god-damn-diculous at this point. HIRE ME SOMEONE, ANYONE!
-Being the better person. For once I’d just like to say- No, fuck you.
-Giving the milk away for free!
-Not being able to sleep, this dark circle really pale vampire look isn’t doing much for me these days.
-Not being able to drink much because it only makes me feel worse.
-Contacts. Why can’t glasses look sexy on me!!!
-Not being able to let go.
-Having to get a bikini wax every 3 weeks but expected to be ok with you just “trimming” occasionally… sorry buddy suck it up and wax that shit off too!
-Being called too emotionally. Yea I do have feelings, what of it.
-Caring too much about all the wrong people.
-Having to settle.
-Being considered a bitch.
-Being someones second choice, back up place, fuck buddy, botty call, doormat, sounding board, bed warmer, seat filler, arm candy, cheerleader...
-Not only feeling like a failure but actually being one.
-Having to start making plans to move home.
-Everyone thinking this has all been about some guy… sometimes this is just about ME. Not a relationship. Not a friendship. Not some asshole that doesn’t deserve my time. But me… just little old me.
-That I’m slowly becoming bitter.
-Worrying about my mom every time she coughs. What I wouldn’t give to just know that she’s going to be ok.
-Being scared. Of many things.
-Being told I have too much experience… why that isn’t an asset!
-Everyone telling me I told you so… yea I know I don’t make the best decisions some time, but honestly either do you.
-Being told that this is temporary. That it will get better. That something amazing is just around the corner. To give it time. Be patient. That God works in mysterious ways. That the most amazing things are in store for me. That this is all for the best. That in 6 months I’m going to look back and laugh… Here’s the thing. Life kind of sucks right now. For many reasons. Some are on the blog. Some are listed in this list. And some I can’t even say out loud but just think of as I cry myself to sleep some nights. Yea I know things are going to get better. And yea things could be so much worse. And I know that many of my friends are going through things that I can’t even imagine. That it’s pathetic that I could even complain about some of these. And that I should be happy with what I have left. But some days it’s hard to see it that way. When some days you are holding on by a very thin string and then that string just snaps, you don’t want to hear about better days… you just want a very large glass of wine, an endless supply of Kleenex and a comfy bed to curl up in… and today is just one of those days.

Holy Ex’s Batmen!

2008-11-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Throughout the ages three has always been a mystical number. Things always seem to happen in threes. And it is said that the number three represents harmony of the opposites, so it should come to no surprise that my ex’s always seem to reappear in 3’s. When Mr. Wyoming showed back up in my life I thought, oh there’s two when’s the third going to appear… turns out I didn’t have to wait too long. Yesterday the 3rd showed up- Mr. Baby R. Though oddly enough it turns out he would have reappeared sooner if it wasn’t for the fact that my phone number got changed back in the spring. When I changed my number I did send out a mass email letting everyone know the new number, though it’s not surprising to know I didn’t send anything out to any of my Ex’s… I thought fresh number, fresh start.

Apparently over the last couple of months Mr. Baby R has sent numerous text messages but they were never returned so he started to get worried. Thinking that I was still upset over things that happened years ago when we broke up. Mainly that he ended things by standing me up at a bar. But being the chump that I am I forgave him a time ago, and if you recall even slept with him back in the spring. So after I got a good laugh, because it always seems like I have an ex (or three) checking up on me, I sent him back an email that explained the new number and invited him out drinking… But really I’m sick of being that girl with all the ex’s. Yea it’s nice to know that I’m friendly with almost all of them and could call them up out of the blue for drinks, coffee, cheering up, whaetver. And I’m always the better person and no matter how much I get hurt I always go back for more. I will always be the one to call, text and smooth over the transition into friends… But when’s the roller coaster of ex’s going to end? And when can I stop living in the past and really move on in the present. Because this splits I’m doing, with one foot in history and one in the future is starting to really hurt. And too much longer in this position and I think I may just get stuck. Because here I sit on my Sunday morning still missing San Diego and still missing what I thought I had. Because it turns out of all the ex's in my life, there really is one who does not still think about me. And that makes me just a bit sad.

Girls night... porn style.

2008-11-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

Last nights plan was simple, a night out with my girls to cheer me up. After another long exhausting week I was looking forward to a night with no drama, some alcohol and a bit of flirting… So when Mr. USC suggested us meeting up with his guy friends I was a little hesitant. But here I am dating a guy who most definitely has his light on and has been dying to introduce me to his friends so I felt like I couldn’t say no. So I devised plan B, drinks with the girls first and then we would all meet up as a group later in the evening. Simple plan revised… but of course you know me. What started as a simple night ended up with a Playboy party, a birthday party comprising of 15 men (all single and straight), porn being shot in the backroom of one of the bars we were out, Hot dogs on Hollywood Blvd. at 2 am (Turns out Scoobys is serious about their Wieners), some tranny hookers, a group of frat boys from San Diego, a lot of fetish wear, a date with Mr. Sitcom Actor and a very confused and exhausted Hardt…

Now all in all way too much too address in one blog, and really way too much of a confusing serious of events for even me to follow, and I was there. So I will address only the last statement- the confused Hardt part. Confused because I can boil down my life based on the two choices of last night- Mr. USC VS Mr. Sitcom Actor. Mr. USC is the stable choice. His light is on, he wants a relationship and has chosen Hardt as his partner of choice. Now frankly I don’t understand why. Every date we go on he’s attentive, funny, charming and considerate. And every date we go on I’m quiet, distracted and somber. Not to mention I bit his tongue accidentally! But here he wants to make me a part of his life. And then on the other hand there always seems to be this stash of men hanging around that do not have their light on… and we know which way I usually lead. So now I can introduce a new man into the mix who like those that have gone before not only doesn’t have his light on, but I don’t think there is even a light on top of the cab to be turned on. Mr. Sitcom Actor could easily be called Mr. Distraction. He’s cute, on a very successful sitcom, stared in one of the break out hits of last summer and has been tapped to write the screenplay for the adaptation of one of our favorite children’s shows… and on top of that is a notorious player. A notorious player who has been begging one of our friends to set us up. I think the entire situation is amusing, because the situation should be reversed- you would think it would be me asking my friend to hook me up with a successful TV actor. But due to prior history (which sadly I can’t go into on a public blog) I hadn’t even considered him dating material… and still don’t. I can see down the future and I’m sick of chasing after guys that don’t want to be caught. Sure they are fun to play with for awhile, but in the end I just end up getting my heartbroken. And after this last round I don’t think my heart can take much more… So instead I’m choosing stable….because sometimes it’s not about who you go home with on a Friday night, but about who’s making you breakfast on a Saturday morning.

DMV This!

2008-11-14T13:33:00.001-08:00

Today I got to experience the many wonders that is the DMV… I finally went in to register my car. And although I have been chastised by many friends for keeping my Arizona License and Registration it wasn’t until someone notified the police that I had been in California for longer than 10 days that I finally did something about it… well I guess I’ve been here a little over 7 years longer than 10 days, but we won’t tell the DMV that. So off I went this morning to make sure I was legal.

Like the dutiful citizen that I am (and also because I’m impatient and hate to wait in lines) I made an appointment. Turns out that appointment isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. So I show up to the DMV with minutes to spare, clutching all my paperwork and prior registration forms to then be told that I hadn’t gotten my VIN number check out yet so I needed to get out of the line I just waited in and now need to bring my car around to the check point. So out I went, and out I waited. But while I waited I got to experience the people that were there to take the Driving Road Test. The first person was a man in his late 40’s that I would like to have assumed had driven a car before. But both the Driving Tester and I got a little nervous when he couldn’t locate the emergency break, and then when he did he didn’t know how to use it! Her question echoed the one in my head- “Sir do you really know how to use the break and when you are supposed to? And if not are you sure you are ready for the test?” But with his assurance they were off, and Driving Candidate number two rolled up. This time it was a 16-year-old kid that was taking the test for the first time, complete with a set of parents whom I was waiting to whip out their camera and start taking pictures. They were quickly banished to inside the DMV office. And then I was finally next, my VIN number was check and I was sent back into the line that I originally waited in.

So there I was up to the front of my line for the second time, and after I told the woman I was back she handed me a number. As soon as I sat down I realized that she had pressed the wrong button in her machine and was currently holding a number 30 numbers down from the one they were on and which said very clearly- Registration. Non-Appointment. Now I had two options sit there and wait, or go explain to the lady at the DMV that she made a mistake and that I had an appointment and shouldn’t have to wait with all the irresponsible people. I’m sure you can guess which option I choose- I waited.

Luckily I didn’t have to wait to long and 20 minutes later my number was called and I was off to window 15. Yay finally there! Though turns out my woman wasn’t ready for me yet. After listening to her discuss with her coworker that she was told they weren’t getting breaks today (after working a 7 and a half hour day) I was started to get impatient shifting from foot to foot and just wanting to be done with the entire process. Luckily she must have noticed that my patience was wearing thin so she finally started to process my paperwork. To which I finally got good news- it was 60 dollars cheaper than earlier thought! YAY! And after handing over my 140 dollars I was handed my California License place and I was through… ok I will admit I didn’t take my test to get my Drivers License… I’m definitely not ready to give up my Arizona one that doesn’t expire until 2044! So until someone tattles on me for that one, I’m good!

Mr. Tumid (AKA best Dear John email ever)

2008-11-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

Over the years I have been broken up with in many ways… many cowardly ways. I’ve been stood up at a bar (after 3 months of dating!), I’ve gotten a text (while I was already in the airport in Arizona waiting for him), over the phone and I even have gotten an email (or two)… but this one is by far my favorite. If you are going to break up with me, and don’t have the balls to at least call me, let alone tell me in person, please don’t do it by email. But if you have to, then I guess doing it in verse will at least keep me laughing for years to come. This is from an email from Mr. Wyoming that I received a couple of years ago. and believe it or not it really is word for word what he wrote. You can thank an old friend for still keeping what I had lost over the years… I now give you Mr. Wyoming (AKA Tumid):

I just finished rehearsal and got your message, but I figured if you have preached enough animosity, on the subject of my regard in your postulation, to your friends that they harbor an opinion such that I am unwelcome in their presence, I deem it unfit to enter the den with one who slanders my character then holds trysts and courts my audience behind the backs of those who would judge. Those who are unfit for your friends are unfit for you.

Tumid

What’s in a name?

2008-11-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

So lately I’ve begun to feel like a contestant on the Bachelorette: So Cal version. There seems to be a revolving door of dates that are coming and going from my life. Some visit just once, some are repeats at the rose ceremony and of course we all know the one who rejected my rose… So I thought I’d share one of this weeks Bachelors. It might be shocking to know that this week there are multiple- Mr. USC, Mr. Ex, Mr. Hotness and Mr. Comedian- Like I said I really do feel like I’m on a dating show right now. All these Mr’s but now a Mr. Right in the lot…Now this story is about Mr. ?. I met Mr. ? recently at a bar. It was loud, I was partaking in a lot of shots and his family is from Spain so he has a foreign name. Though you wouldn’t know it by looking at him- he’s born and raised in the valley and looks more Greek than he does Spanish, but all the same he has an interesting first name. When he first called and left a message I thought I sort of got the name but of course I made a couple girlfriends listen to the message to see if I had it right. Now all of us had different interpretations of his name. So I was back to square one. I agreed to go on a date with him, and figured that at some point maybe his name would come up… well his last name did. So YAY I have part of it down now, though it would have been a little formal to call him Mr. N for the rest of the night. So when the check came I tried to get a peek of his credit card, but to no avail he had it taken away so quickly. Usually I would at this point give a guy props for quickly paying without even looking at the receipt or looking at me to pay. But instead I was annoyed that I struck out with the name again. And of course the next morning he called to set up another date, left a voice message to which I once again couldn’t get the correct name. DAMN. So now I have date number two with someone whose first name I don’t know still… oh well maybe next time! I mean he’s going to leave some mail laying about sometime, right?!!

Could I? Yes. Should I? No. Will I… probably!

2008-11-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been facing a dilemma recently. About two weeks ago I was asked out by someone totally inappropriate, but totally yummy at the same time. We will call him Mr. Hotness. Now I say inappropriate because Mr. Hotness is not someone you bring home to Mom, he’s more the guy that you have crazy fantastic sex with. And although he is a really nice guy, we really don’t have much in common. He is a former Navy Seal. I went to NYU. He has the body of a Greek God. I, well lets just say don’t. He’s 27. And I am almost 30. He’s a total player. And I’m done with those guys. He owns a bar. I’m just a lowly bartender. Ok so we do have some things in common, and he’s an avid surfer and has been trying to get me out in the water with him… And up until now I’ve been hesitant because I already know that he’s not the guy you spend Friday nights cuddled up at the movies with. But here’s the thing. I’ve been so determined lately to find the right guy that I think I’ve stopped having fun with the guys that are out there. And maybe it’s time to go back to my roots. Back to the guys that don’t break my heart. Back to the guys that I know, the stuntment/model/prosurfer/rock climbers… all those guys that I use to have so much fun with. Sure I’m not going to marry any of them. And will probably just end up with broken bones from diving off a cliff or kiteboarding into a boat... But hey at least I will go out in style, true old school Hardt style.

What's in a spark?

2008-11-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

After reading about my misadventure with Sundays date, I’m sure you can understand my nervousness about my date tonight with Mr. USC. Another Lakers game, and another glass of wine… But this time I’m really going to try and have me head in the game. Though what made me pause this morning was this thought- If I have to force myself to keep my head in the game, then really is it worth it? I mean I have a great time hanging out with him, he’s a great guy, we have a lot in common and he’s really into me. Even after me biting him he still sent flirty text messages yesterday and still made plans to see me again… The only problem is that there is something missing and I just can’t put my finger on what exactly it is. Now everyone this week has been pressuring me to just give him a chance, to just keep dating him and not worry about the fact that there isn’t a spark… but on the other hand these were the same people that pressured me into ending things with Mr. Green, and look how well that turned out. And I know it’s all for the best, but at the same time if I wasn’t convinced to rock the boat last week then I would be looking forward to a weekend in San Diego for an old friends Birthday Bonanza on Saturday night and then a another friends welcome home party on Sunday night… Instead I’ll be spending the weekend up here in Los Angeles wondering how I got so off track…And I know that he was never mine to begin with… but it sure was nice to borrow Mr. G these last couple of months. And yes I know everyone disliked him, especially at the end (Oh the claws really came out on my friends once they knew it was really over). And I know I’ve been doing great getting over him and have even has some fun trying. And I know that sitting here thinking what if’s are bad for me, what if I was a little less, what if I didn’t have to push, what if I could just have been happy with the way things were, what if he weren't shuch a shit (ok maybe that's your what if). But that’s the problem with what ifs. You can’t go back. And no amount of wishing will change things. Because the truth of the matter is I shouldn’t have to change myself for anyone… because there is some guy out there that is going to love me for me, just the way I am. And that guy isn’t in San Diego… but on the other hand I don’t think he’s in USC either.